HERE'S MY LIST MOM...

My kids are seriously already on my tail about their Christmas lists! It's not even Halloween quite yet guys!! As a matter of fact, this morning I will be stuffing candy bags for their little school parties taking place this afternoon. What gives? Every year it seems to get worse and worse in the stores, with all the Christmas goop in full swing by Oct. first. Eeeyyy.
The lists aren't getting anymore affordable either. Riley wants a Nintendo DS - she has wanted one since last year and just won't give up on it. Shane Michael still wants a Wii - with all the newest Guitar Hero games of course. Halie - she's the funny one. She asked for a Sony Vaio laptop. A lime green one if they have it.... Um jeeez. She is in college and at least her gift would be something she could use for a long time, but sorry kiddo, there's just no way.
What ever happened to wanting baby dolls and light brites? I noticed the other day that the toy companies are in full swing with the TV commercials already too. They plant those seeds in the kiddo's heads early, so they can bug us half to death for some silly toy that won't last 10 minutes on Christmas morning. Me - I'm thinking bicycles. Yeah!

HERE COMES THE SUN

So life is slowly starting to get back to some kind of normal around here. This weekend we went to the punkin patch and picked out our pumpkin, had some fun, and watched this big ol' thing shoot pumpkins out of it. Pretty cool really - the kids had a blast. We had to leave early because it started to rain pretty heavily, but it was so nice to just get away from here.
I went back to work on Saturday. Things just picked up right where I left off. I've been there for a year now, but still can't get a raise. Owner says we aren't making enough money to afford that. Whatever eh?
Today I have to work on tying up a few of the loose ends, close my Dad's accounts and such. Mar just moved into her own little house finally, so I am going to go look for a plasma mounts for her tvs, and see if I can help her out a little bit. Her house is so cute - I'm so excited for her! Yesterday I introduced her to my miracle cleaner - Greased Lightning! I get the commercial strength from Lowes - I tell ya that stuff works on everything. I even use it to clean my carpets!

So anyhow, off I go to start the day. Have a good week ya'll!

BACK TO THE NATTY

I should be getting ready for work right now. But I'm not. I'm sitting here in front of the lcd monitor like a zombie. I did however remove my month old nail polish. I suppose at some point I should put on some new polish and go have a shower. I don't know if I am ready to deal with all the people yet, all their questions and condolences. I have found myself responding to people that say "I'm sorry about your Dad" with "It's Ok." It's not ok, but what the hell else am I supposed to say? "Thank you?" Sounds stoopid.
October has been a most horrible month. So so many folks I know have lost their loved ones, just in the past few weeks. At hospice house, we made a few friends that we really grew to care about, and the one gal whose husband we became pretty close with, passed away about a week after Daddy did. I mean, we all know what hospice is for, but somehow it still hurts when they go. A few of my old teachers passed also this last week, a friend of my brothers from his old job passed from leukemia, and a few teachers at the kids' school had their mother in laws pass as well. Then I read last night that Soupy Sales passed. Daddy will sure like talking to him up in Heaven though - I remember watching his TV show when I was a little bitty kid.
I am doing ok really. Better than I feel like I look. I have to get everything with Dad's "Estate" taken care of, (I didn't even know he had an estate?) paying off the final bills and shutting of utilities and such. I'm kind of at a stand still until the death certificates come in...
I find myself wondering a lot. Wondering if I made him proud, if I made him happy, if he can see me from up there. Every little thing that seems out of the ordinary - I wonder if it's a sign from him.....

HOPE

I hope the future brings a lot of positive things. Yesterday was my Daddy's memorial service, and it was truly beautiful I thought. I have so many thank you's to send along, but will do that on a personal level, rather than from an email or blog post. In general though, I would like to say "thank you" to each and every person who sent an email, a message, a phone call, flowers, and memorials. My Dad was so loved by so many. I am just overwhelmed. I am taking this next week off from work, so I can get things done and rest a little bit.
I know every family has there own battles, but mine has been in turmoil for some time. Last year, a son of my Dad's companion was accused of stealing my Dad's pain Medication right out of a locked mail box. Currently he is in jail on Meth charges, but he was let out long enough to come to the funeral. I was a bit distraught to say the least. Part of me wanted him gone completely. I felt like he had no business there. The other part of me felt that it was not up to me to decide who came to pay their respects. At one point directly before the service was to start, he left. I went outside and asked him to come back, but we talked for a few moments and he swore to me that he didn't steal from my Dad. He said he loved my Dad and would never ever do that. For some reason I believed him. Maybe I am wrong, but I do. This thing pulling my guts out just wants him to do his time, go to drug rehab, and go down a different path in his life. I know my Dad made his amends with this boy, but I stuggle so hard to do the same. I keep telling myself that no one is perfect, and everyone deserves a second chance. I HOPE that my Dad's passing brings a change for the positive in many people's lives....

CLOSURE

Today is supposed to be the day of closure. Daddy's funeral service is at 2 this afternoon, then we are having a picnic dinner at the park immediately afterward. I have to go this morning and pick up the meat and cheese trays, pick up the keys to the building in the park I rented, then go and set it all up with tables and chairs and all. I am hoping the folks who offered some help will show up, otherwise it will just be me and the kids and my Mom. Last night I baked a cake, and made the traditional ham and potato casserole. Seems like I could eat just about anything here lately. Not even the worlds best weight loss supplements could have any effect on me right now. I'm a stress eater - this has been hard. My sugars have not been good either, but I am trying to keep a handle on them. Mom and I picked up all the breads yesterday, and I finished the slide show and all the music. I think that all the work is done. I am taking my camera with me to photograph the alter. I hope it will be as beautiful as I have it planned out in my head. I don't know if I should even bother with putting on make-up and all that. It's going to fall of anyhow. I just don't know how to get through this day. I just don't know....

SAYING GOODBYE

I still can't believe he is gone.

Yesterday, my brother and I, Daddy's two sisters, my mom, and Pastor Nick, went to the funeral home and said our final goodbyes. Daddy was placed inside a special cardboard box, but the lid was off and he looked like he was sleeping peacefully. My brother and I were able to be the ones to place the lid on the box when it was time, then slide his body into the cremation furnace. Some people may find that very odd, but for me it was very spiritual. Since we will not be going to a graveside, or committing his body to the ground like most families, this was our "closing" service. Pastor said a prayer as the family was gathered around him, and we took care of Daddy to the very end.
None of that was planned, except the fact that my brother and I had wanted to be there, mainly to make sure that it was our Dad going in and not someone else. Seeing what I have, I don't believe we ever should have worried, but we came away with something so special. Saying goodbye does not require a business plan writer, so rigid and with so many rules. I suppose each family has to decide what feels right to them. For us, it was very right.
Tomorrow is the memorial service, and afterward we are having a picnic in the park. I have much to do today to get ready, including the music and the slide show of photographs.
I miss him so much already....

WHERE IS THE NORMAL?

I didn't go and see him again yesterday. That's two days in a row that I have not spent by his side at all. Part of me feels guilty, the other part of me can't stand to see him this way anymore. He has been angry and trying to get out of bed a lot. He keeps telling my brother he's getting out of there, but he is so weak that if he gets out of bed he will fall down and get hurt. His mind seems to be gone now as well, saying things that make no sense, and reaching up to the sky with both arms. My favorite nurse told me yesterday that this is all part of the process, and that if he follows any kind of pattern at all, next he will slip into a coma. Dad hasn't been so great at following the rules though - he's broken every one of them so far anyways...
I got out of the house for a little while yesterday and went with Mar to get her hair cut. We went to the nurses house (I swear if there are Angels that she is one of them) and her daughter came in from Wichita just to do it. It was so nice to play normal for a few hours.
The rest of this time I swear we spend more time eating than anything. I have been cooking as much as I can to take to the house, and other folks that have family there keep bringing stuff too. I swear I need a whole bottle of diet pills shoved down my throat just to walk in there. It's comforting though, but I have to be careful or I will start gaining this weight back - not something I can afford to do at this point.
I have a photo shoot this afternoon, so I am going to go and get through it. I keep debating on going back to work, but I dunno. I really just need some normal....

BLURRY BLEARY EYED

I didn't go up to see my Dad at all yesterday. I just feel so run down and tired, and there is still so much I need to get done. I tried to go to bed, but so far it's 5:30 in the morning and I still have not been to sleep. Too much on my mind I guess. Drank a whole pot of coffee so I suppose that didn't help either. On the plus side - I did get my legs shaved and my fingernails painted. Now I just wish I could find an acne treatment to cure these ginormous zits I have been breaking out with. Stress probably but jeesh! I did up all the dishes, got 3 loads of laundry done, and got a bunch of paperwork finished. I wrote an essay of sorts about my Dad and cried a little bit more. When the time is right I will post it. I would love to read it at his service, but I know that I would never be able to make it without breaking down.
I guess we are stuck with having the dinner after the service over at the High Rise in South Hutch. I really hate to have to do it there, but I can't do it at my house and we don't have a Church family so that isn't an option either. I have been debating about the menu, and I think I have finally just settled on sandwiches. I gotta go buy all the stuff when it's time, and I will probably end up making some potato salad too. I guess it just depends on if I really feel like cooking at that point.
I am so tired, but I just can't find sleep. Now it's almost time to get the kids up for school. Go figure....