I LOVE YER BLOG!

Autumn loves my blog! Ok both my blogs! So she gave me this award and I am passing it on to someone whose blog I adore as well!

Her name is Jamie, and her blog is Grace Too!

WHAT'S YOUR HIPPY NAME?

Your Hippie Chick Name Is:

Eclipse

Hippie Chick Name Generator

LIVING BREATHING RUNNING

I just realized today that for the most part, I am not afraid of things I should be, and I am deathly afraid of things I shouldn't be. I'm not scared of a bomb going off, but I'm too horrified to drink out of a glass cup. I'm not scared of dangerous situations that make other people cringe. I'm scared of things other people think are simple everyday parts of life. Go figure.
I have been a busy bee the last few days, with all the news going on in my town. Check out my other blog KSHIPPYCHIC if you wanna read about it!

UNDERSTANDING BIPOLAR DISORDER

I think that the best med I ever tried for stabilizing my bipolar was Seroquel. Problem is that it raised my blood sugar through the roof, and gave me insane headaches. It was the closest thing to normal I ever got though. Now I am on nothing for the bipolar, and it sucks. I have gone through all the therapists and psych docs in this town, and they all pissed me off. The only med I take now is Ativan, and it is only for easing the manicpanic poopy parties that sometimes invade my brain. I feel a lot like it is somehow my own fault, that I don't try hard enough, or work hard enough, or deserve to feel "normal."

Here is what one website has to say about it all:
"Researchers are still trying to fully understand the causes of bipolar disorder. There are many different theories, some of which relate to brain biochemistry. In people with bipolar disorder, research shows that there may be:

• Imbalances of certain brain chemicals (too many or too few)
• Interruptions in the way messages are carried between brain cells or within brain cells¹

At least 100 brain chemicals (neurotransmitters) have been discovered inside the human brain. These chemicals carry messages (signals) between brain cells (neurons). There are also ways that messages are carried within brain cells. These brain activities are important because they affect thought, emotion, memory, and learning. Bipolar disorder can impair these functions and make it more difficult to go about your day-to-day routines.

Bipolar disorder is not your fault. It is not a character flaw or weakness—it is an illness that affects your brain and requires appropriate treatment to help manage" - Excerpt from Seroquel website.

A SPLASH OF COLOR SUNDAY

Ok it's Sunday, so I'm trying to find something positive about life right about now....
Cus that's what this day is for on this blog....
Struggling.
Ativan - yes I am thankful for Ativan. It forces me to be happy. Sorta.
That's all I got.

STOLEN FROM AUTUMN!!

Your Brain's Pattern

Your brain is always looking for the connections in life. You always amaze your friends by figuring out things first. You're also good at connecting people - and often play match maker. You see the world in fluid, flexible terms. Nothing is black or white.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

I stole this one from Autumn - she started it!! :)

RANT RAVE I DON'T FUCKING LIKE YOU...

My apologies in advance to my blog family.... No one on my blogroll could ever be this nasty.

It truly sucks that there are people I would love to get to know - but wont. Thanks to "fake bitch who thinks she's the queen of all blogs" that is. I won't mention names because well, that would send her traffic, which is what she desires most. Traffic to make money? Nooooo that's below her see - at least for now. Traffic for friends? Oh no - this woman couldn't be a more fake friend if she paid you to be hers. I feel sorry for all the people she has sucked in and has totally snowed. When I first starting blogging, I was naive about things, and I thought she was pretty cool. Then I got to see what she was really about, and my gawd I can't say I have ever met someone so truly mean and nasty in my life. The blog trolls are more genuine than she is. She's the type that tells you that you can't be friends with someone she doesn't like, adds a nasty little lie about them to some conversation with you. Then she gets all her little friends (You people should hear the shit she says behind your back) to gang up on you and leave snarky little comments on your blog. Maybe you will even be so upset you will just delete your blog. It's just really fucking sad. Yes bitch - I know you are reading this - so fuck off. Don't take your "battle of the blogs" battles so seriously - you win or you lose. Who cares? It's supposed to be for fun and traffic - so people can meet new people and get some traffic and some readers. But for you - oh no it's gotta be your way or no way for everyone who comes into contact with you. I feel sorry for you, and I feel sorry for the people who believe that you are really their friend. To you I say "FUCK YOU DEBBIE!" (her name changed for my own entertainment)

Sorry to be so pissy today. Forgot to take my crazy pills.

THURSDAY MORNING EARLY

School is back in full swing now. For me and for the kids. I am having a harder time making myself do things for school that need to be done. I need to find myself an internship somewhere, which is not an easy thing to do. I want to work at a newspaper when all is said and done, but ours in this town is all full up with interns for the semester. I can't afford to be driving out of town either. I am having a hard time making myself do my biology homework - yack. It isn't for lack of interesting material, it's just that there are so many more things that need to be done. I have tried to set up a schedule for the kids after they return home from school, and after snack time is study time. They need my help though, so I spend that time with them. Every minute of it is well worth it, as my little kindergartener is now READING!! Granted she only reads small 2 and 3 letter words, but it clicked in her head and now she is completely excited to know more more more! That takes mommy time too. My second grader is just amazing, reading books meant for grade 7 students. We are working on his math facts, and getting them down so he can move on to multiplication and division. He is truly a unique and gifted child. My 16 year old is already going through the ups and downs of high school bullshit and loser boyfriends being ass holes. I told her last night she should tell her boyfriend to fuck off completely - but she lovessssss hiiiiiiiim. God I remember those days. That's how I got her - I loveeeeeeeeed hiiiimmmmmm! Oh why didn't I listen to my daddy when he said - "get rid of that loser" - he was soo right. I don't know - I guess I am finding it difficult to manage being a mom, a teacher, a student, a wife, and an employee. I ended up going to bed last night around 8pm with the kids, and falling asleep I'm guessing around 9 or so. I was so utterly exhausted. Then here I am awake at 4:30 in the morning because my body just wont let me stay asleep for more than a certain length of time. Oh well, it's off for another day....
Jamie - if you are out there, you blog has dissapeared. I'm thinking of you, and hope you come back soon!

MY BABY IS IN KINDERGARTEN!

My youngest starts kindergarten in the morning. It makes me sad to see my kids all growing up so fast. I love her teachers, but unfortunately my brothers boy is going to be in the same class. The school wanted him to stay back in Head Start, but my brother threw a fit until they went ahead and put him in kindergarten. He's just turned 5 in June, so he is one of the younger ones, but he just isn't ready. The last two years of pre-school he has been "asked to leave" school for hitting and slapping the teachers in the face. He dumped chocolate milk all over Rye last year, and he ended up being separated from all the other kids. He's not a horrible child I don't think, but you live what you learn, and well.... spanking him hasn't seemed to be doing the trick. On top of that, there is a little girl that will be in the classroom that has an odd obsession for long hair. Like - she tried to cut my friends' daughter's hair OFF last year. So I tell Rye, just to be kind and nice to everyone, but stay far far far away from those two brats. It sounds awful, but I don't want her getting headlice from my brothers kid, though I guess haircut girl could easily solve that problem. I swear if my little princess comes home with a ponytail in her hand instead of on her head - errrg!

WISHING YOU ALL THE BEST.....

Thoughts on my mind heavy lately, though I really don't know why. You would think all of the time that has passed would have helped heal the wounds brought on by such a love.
Sincerely I say congratulations to you Troy Goodwater. To you and your new wife Tricia, on your marriage, and your new little baby boy Austin. I am sure he is beautiful, and I know how much you always wanted a son. I hope Ashley is doing good, and I hope Tricia can be everything as a step mom to her. I miss Ashley so much even still....
I have often wondered what led you to Michigan, why you ran so far away from even your own family. I guess none of that matters now, as you have a new family to love and take care of. I wish you all the best that this life has to offer. I am glad that you have finally found true happiness. With love always, Beck

TAGGED YER ROYAL BOOTY!!

I was tagged this morning by Her Royal Highness Saboma the Countess-Palatine Mary Zephenelle who in turn had been tagged by Kim.

1st Peculiar Aristocratic Title

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is: Countess Rebecca the Disappointing of Leighton in the Bucket Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

2nd Try Peculiar Aristocratic Title

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is: Her Excellency Kshippychic the Purple of Studley Roger Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

Fortune Cookie

My Fortune Cookie told me: The stiffness of an earlobe will incite your passions next Friday. Get a cookie from Miss Fortune

I've tagged these Regal Grand Poobahs to join us with their royal titles and Fortunes. Lay it on us, Your Regalnesses:
JAMIE
AUTUMN
MACKEY

A SPLASH OF COLOR SUNDAY

Ducks in the pond at the nature center. I love going there. It gives me a chance to clear my head, and get a little piece of silence.

SOME DAYS....

I get tired of it all. Just plain tired as in physically, mentally. Bills need to be paid, decisions to make, dishes in the sink, floors to be vacuumed.... it seems never ending. How do people find the strength to do it all. Be a mom, a wife, a student, an employee, a friend. So many hats to wear in one day. Everywhere I go, or look, or read, or see - people are arguing and fighting. It stresses me out just hearing about it all. Why can't people just let other people be who they are without all of the added bullshit? Why do some take such great pleasure in thinking they are better than everyone else in existence? I could stay in bed all day today, just dream about a different life, a different world. Not possible though it sounds so good. Better yet the possibility of it ever really happening.

MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY AND DEFINITIONS

LABOR PAIN - Getting hurt at work.
FIBULA - A small lie.
BACTERIA - Back door to the cafeteria.
EPIDERMIS - Cousin Epi didn't get that deer.
IMPOTENT - Distinguished, well known.
MEDICAL STAFF - A doctors' cane.
BARIUM - What to do when a patient dies.
CAUTERIZE - Made eye contact with her.
SEIZURE - Roman emperor.
BENIGN - What you be after eight.
ARTERY - The study of paintings.
TUMOR - More than one.
COLIC - A sheep dog.
HANGNAIL - What you hang your coat on.
NITRATES - Cheaper than day rates.
FESTER - Quicker than the other guy.
COMA - A punctuation mark.
CAT SCAN - Kitty hunting.
URINE - Opposite of your out.
TERMINAL ILLNESS - Getting sick at the airport.
VARICOSE - Nearby or close by.
OUTPATIENT - A person who has fainted.
ENEMA - Not a friend.
DILATE - To live too long.
MORBID - An offer higher than I bid.
RECTUM - DANG NEAR KILLED EM!

(Actual homework for Anatomy and Physiology)

CAN IT EVER REALLY BE FIXED??

I thought she was safe, in the safest place she could possibly be, with my husband-at-the-time's mother and stepfather. Her gramma and new grampa. She should have been safe. But she wasn't. She was only 6 years old, just a baby. How can anyone do that to a baby?
Did anyone watch the Dr. Phil show on Monday titled "Saving Grace?" It was our story on that TV, unfolding with different characters, but ours just the same. It was her story. She came in and watched it with me, then slumped into a pile of angry sadness into my lap. Ten years of therapy, medications, and time, have done nothing to erase the memory of what he did or ease the pain and brokenness she feels. She told me about him one day while I was giving her a bath. Shocked, I did the wrong thing, and instead of calling the cops, I called gramma. She sighed and said there must be some mistake. The prosecutors and investigators played their little game. Grampa refused to take a lie detector test. In the end of it all, there was not enough evidence to charge him, as there were no eye witnesses. That whole side of her family called her a liar, they turned their backs on her. The little 6 year old lost everything. He would take her for walks, she said. Down into the woods where no one could see. He would call her into the bathroom while he was bathing, and gramma thought nothing of it. Years later in a twisted kind of poetic justice, he lost both his legs to diabetes. I said maybe that will stop him from taking any more walks with little girls. To see him in his wheelchair was so pathetic. I wanted to rip him up out of there and scream in his stupid sick face. She did too. But it was not the time or place for such letting of blood. There has never been the right time or place. She screamed at the TV people, crying a deep soul slicing set of tears. "It will never be ok, " she cried. "Never!" We talked and cried and I held her. She knows it's not her fault. She knows she's not a bad person. She knows that man is a sick sonofabitch with no worth as a human being. She knows what the therapists have told her. She understands those parts. But she FEELS broken, betrayed, and worthless, so just how do you make that go away? She went from being a gifted sunshine child, to a sad and empty soul. Looking back on it all from time's perspective I can see that she had no ADHD, she was traumatized. That man stole everything from her. EVERYTHING. The screaming inconsolable nightmares. He stole her innocence, her gramma, aunts, uncles, cousins, her view of the world, her spirit. And yet he lives life as if nothing changed. "I didn't hurt that girl," he said. Now a new baby girl has been born into that family. I just pray she is kept from harm. But no one believed my baby girl, so what is to come of the next one at gramma's house? You see, he got new legs, just strap em right on and go for a walk. He got new legs, but how can you replace a spirit? Thirty years put my pain in the back of my mind most days. But it's still there, lurking. The one thing I wanted to protect her from the most - the one thing I wanted to spare her from - and I thought I was protecting her. It happened anyway.

YOU COULDN'T PAY ME...

To be 16 again. She's bored. She's frustrated. She's pissy and I don't know how she will make it to see 18. The job has ended and school starts on Thursday.
Since the day she was born, she's been my favorite subject to photograph, only now she won't wear frilly dresses and bows in her hair.
We used to color with crayons together, and play in the dirt. Tonight we sat on the porch talking about grown up adult things. I never could have imagined my baby at this age.
Not in a million years.

A SPLASH OF COLOR SUNDAY

A sampling of vegies from my garden. Gardening makes me happy. It is good excercise, relaxing, and there is nothing like harvesting the fruits of your labors and nourishing your family with those gifts. When I am out in the garden, the only time I panic is when I see a snake! For a while, the world is good.

I DON'T THINK I'M NEUROTIC??!!

Mar says I am paranoid and neurotic. I don't think I'm paranoid am I???

I keep getting large packages of beef jerky left on my doorstep......

Sometimes, I think my lips are chapped, so I lick them a little, and then, I can't stop licking them a little and they get really super chapped. Then I apply chapstick over and over and over and over..... Oh the signs of mental illness.....

I do think people laugh at me a lot. Not in a good way - like people in the store point and say look at that stupid girl.

I like it when people laugh with me - that's funny and fun. Even when I pee my pants. A bit messy though.

THURSDAY?? WHAT DAY IS THIS?

GAWD my teeth - well my whole mouth - HURTS bad! Yesterday I went back to the dentist (yes the same one) and had my cleaning done. I think the lady pulled out pieces of my teeth - or at least that is what it feels like. I have never hurt like this after a routine cleaning before. Nor have I ever seen that much blood from one either. Yikes! They still insist that I need some gazillion dollar treatment, but that will just have to wait for now. Meantime, I will just keep on brushing alrighty?

My soon to be Junior in high school had her hair done yesterday - 5 hours at the salon!! I was shocked and a bit dissapointed at how mild her hair color actually was when she came home! NO PINK?? NO PURPLE?? Actually she looks very nice with some fairly subtle blonde and reds for highlights, and a fresh new set of eyebrows. She's my baby who loves to shock people - but this year - nothing! LOL! We will be making a trip to our HOT TOPIC, as it is closing, and everything in the store is half price. Maybe she will find some interestingly shocking pants.....

Last night my smarty smarterton son's teacher came for a home visit. At the grade school, all the teachers visit all the students at their home before school starts. I love it because you get one on one time before things start to be really busy, and the kids have a chance to get comfy with the teacher they are going to have. Tonight is my little kindergarteners turn, and she has two teachers coming to visit! She is so excited to get to go to school all day like bubby and sissy. All the kids have their new backpacks stuffed with new school supplies, new shoes and a few new articles of clothing. They all start back to school on the 16th - so exciting!! Now I am broke and have to wait to get me some shoes and a few school supplies. I don't mind though, as long as the kids have what they need.

We broke down and had to buy a window air conditioner yesterday too. It was unbearable hot here, and of course our landlord wont fix our central air unit. We got a $200 window AC for $30!! We borrowed the cash from our 16 year old (pathetic I know) until Friday - but it was a deal that we couldn't pass up. At least now our bedroom stays nice and cool, and everyone can sleep in there so it's not so bad. We just can't vacuum or run the microwave at the same time as the AC being on - I blew the breakers yesterday and found that one out!

COURAGEOUS BLOGGER AWARD

"For those bloggers who are battling or have battled with physical and mental illness, those who are survivors of abuse, poverty, or who have overcome other challenges in life. Those who serve in the military or work/volunteer in dangerous situations in order to provide a service or to help others. This award is for the strong, the brave, and the courageous."

Jamie, and Autumn both felt that I was worthy of this award, and now it is my turn to pass it on! Every one has a story that would break your heart....

Mar -She belongs in an institution! And she loves me anyways.
Mack - She loves me anyway and got kicked out of the mental hospital.
Yours Truly - Should be medicated for every one's protection!
Mel - She can talk the crazy right out of ya!
Spicy - She has named her assholes #1 and #2!
Auntsissy - She's the crazy butterfly lady!

Ok so on a serious note - all these ladies have been through their fair share of shit. All have overcome in one way or another. So while I poke fun, it is because I know the very personal struggles they have fought, each one just a little bit different, with a link in the chain that holds us together through thick and thin.

THE MIDDLE NAME MEME

RANDOM AUTUMNESS tagged me with the Middle Name Meme!
Here are the rules:
1. You have to post these rules before you give the facts.
2. Players, you must list one fact that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of their middle name. If you don’t have a middle name, use the middle name you would have liked to have had.
3. When you are tagged you need to write your own blog post containing your own middle name game facts.
4. At the end of your blog post, you need to choose one person for each letter of your middle name to tag. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

The Middle Name Meme

Assertive: I need to learn that.
No: I should say it more.
Never: Will I ever again eat tofu.

Tagging Three People:
JAMIE
SPICY
MACK

UNUSUALLY GOOD WEEKEND

After having a somewhat shitty week, the weekend turned out to be much better. Saturday we went out for Chinese and the kids actually behaved in the restaurant. I think it's getting better as they get older. For a while I dreaded taking them anywhere. Sunday was great - perfect really. We threw some steaks on the grill, went swimming on and off all afternoon, and hung some Christmas lights on the back of the garage so we could do a little night swimming and be able to see. We went to Dad's house and mowed his little lawn and took him some tomatoes. He looks so much healthier since he started dialysis. The doctors are now trying to get his anemia taken care of, but so far he has been allergic to all the shots they have attempted to give him. Hopefully this last one will work. Later in the evening we went to Aunt Sissy's house to take her some garden vegies and we got to see her newly born butterfly. She set him free and we watched him fly away. So cool. She is such a gentle soul, and raising butterflies suits her perfectly. I always wished she was my mom. She has always been my favorite Aunty, and always been important in my life. One of the few members of my family that never turned their back on me no matter what stupid thing I did. You know - like a mom should be.... After we put the kiddos to bed, me and PPHead watched the movie "23." Very twisted! It was a pretty good movie. I fell asleep around 2 am, but I kept having those icky dreams that wake you up with the sweats and tears in your eyes. I got a touch of sunburn too, so that didn't help either. So now it's off to the start of another week, back to the usual. If it doesn't rain, me and the kids will spend as much time outside as possible, swimming and playing in the yard. School starts in less than two weeks, and my youngest baby will be off to all day kindergarten. Where does it go.... time flies by so fast.

A SPLASH OF COLOR SUNDAY

Just a little one, playing with filters and layers in photoshop. Photoshop makes me happy. You can do so many cool things with it. Like stick yer friends' heads to strange things. Like bugs and other cool things. You should try it. It is very theraputic!

PURPLE SATURDAY SLATHERINGS

How do you fight it off? Get it out of your head and just go on? Crawl out of the hole of depression? People all around you tell you it's ok, it will get better, and you want to believe it, you try to feel something more than sadness? I want to brush it off, and go have some fun. I can go, but I won't feel it, but it just keeps seeping into your soul? Does anyone understand what I mean when I say I want to feel it. You know that high you get the very first time you kiss someone you might could fall in love with? That fiery hot feeling in the center of your heart? I want that. I could get completely smashed drunk, and I would feel better for a while, but what the hell good would that do me. Maybe I will. I can't even count how many times I bought a bottle of something or the other to try and lift me out, then just left it in the freezer. An ice cold beer sounds kinda good - it is stifling hot outside. Some beers, afternoon in the pool, the barbeque fired up.... sounds kinda good.

BIG BAD BLURRY DAY AHEAD

I have a BIG job interview this afternoon and I am horrified. I printed and trashed and reworked my resume probably 15 times, but I think is is ok now. I couldn't sleep but a few hours last night, though I tried going to bed a bit early. I ended up getting out of bed at 4:30 this morning feeling nauseous. I have to go enroll my kids at school this morning, then come home, cook lunch, then somehow try to get all dressed up. I haven't done my hair or put on make-up in I don't know how long. Gawd I still have to throw my funeral dress in the dryer to get any wrinkles out because honestly I just don't iron things very well. I know I have to take an Ativan before I go, but will he notice? What if he asks me why the gaps in jobs? Do I really have to tell him - oh well see I am bipolar - get bad panic attacks and sometimes just fall out wherever for no reason in particular. I don't want to have to say any of that out loud. I just want to pretend to be completely normal. But can I? I mean most of the time I feel like people are looking at me and pointing and laughing anyway. So I pretend to be normal in there - I feel like I am acting normal in there - but what if my speech gets all kinds of garbled up and nothing I say even sounds like words? I ALWAYS end up saying something so totally stupid and walk away feeling like a complete retard. Or I giggle at something and snort kinda. Yeah that's a winner. What if I am too ugly - people definitely don't want an ugly person working with their public. Hell - with make-up on I may just look like a real bad drag queen. Like that poor dude who rides his bike around town in a leather skirt and bright red lipstick. Ok so I don't have any red lipstick and he is quite pretty really. Jeesssh! What if my boob falls out of my shirt? Or something gross gets stuck to my shoe and I don't know it? People don't want to hire people with a mental illness - what if I fart while he is talking to me?? I always get that nervous kind of belly gas - especially during my "girly visit" to the doctor every year - that's just so wrong. I am insanely nervous. But I mean the whole point of me going back to college and so on was to finish my degree I started on 10 years or more ago, and use it to get a job just like this! SO duhhhh this is what my goal was. Last year when I decided to go back to school, I got so panicky that the paramedics had to drag me out of my house nekkid and passed out. I swore I had a heart attack and was going to die. That kinda sucked a little. That's when I started on the Ativan. It does help, but not enough this morning to calm my stoopid brain. I had a couple bad panic attacks in Algebra class and one really big one in Typography class. That's fun stuff there. People all lookin at ya like yer a complete loser, whispering and laughing. I gotta do the laundry and the pool needs vacuumed again. Yup, lost - that's me forever. Going to the shore without any shells.....

HOW MANY I LOVE YOU'S ARE TOO MANY?

I LOVE YOU!
Some things were just destiny I think.
Definitely created just for us.
That time in life when a bump into - becomes a forever friendship.
I love you.