WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO??

REALLY?? Am I supposed to be a hero to the whole world?

I can not be everything to everyone. It just isn't possible. I do my very best to be a kind person, to help when I am able, no matter who it is. One thing no one seems to understand is that my kids come first. My family right here at home is my number one priority. Right now that involves me spending most of my time at work and some time at school. When I am not doing those things, I have a household to run, meals to prepare, cleaning inside and outside, homework to help with, and a messed up mind of my own to deal with. On the off chance I get a free moment, I make art. I'm really sorry I can't talk on the phone for hours at a time or drop everything I am doing to pay you a visit. I'm sorry I suck at returning emails and phone calls and commenting on all the social sites in the world. I just don't have time. It's not that I don't love you or care about you. I do. Sometimes I get to read things and something else needs my attention. I apologize if any of my lacking has caused you personally to feel slighted by me. Not my intention. I do have to say I am getting a bit tired of saying I'm sorry for living my life and trying to keep my head above water. I am doing the best I can.

If you want something from me - call me. Ask me. If I can give you what you want - I will. If you need something from me - call me. Ask me. I will try to help you in any way I can. Please don't hold your anger towards me if I am unable to help. Life doesn't always work that way. I can't fix everything, and lately that is how a lot of people in my life make me feel. Like I should be able to repair every crappy aspect of their lives. Well I can't. I am done being a doormat to the world. I am not the reason for your problems, and I don't have all the answers to them either.

The guilt trips can stop now. I am not a perfect person. I have made huge mistakes and lived with the consequences of my actions. We all do every day. If you feel bad about yourself, it is your own guilt talking to you about the choices you have made on your own. Nothing I can do about it. I have guilt too, but I know it's all of my own making. I am the only one who can do anything about it. I am done apologizing for being unable to be the perfect friend, companion, daughter, niece, wife, mother insertwhateveryouneedtohere. I am not perfect. I can not be everything to everyone.

If you read my blogs and don't like what I have to say - stop reading. This is my life, my feelings, my way of coping with my stresses. My hopes, my fears, my insanity. How I have felt over the course of my lifetime. How I feel now. On meds off meds, clarity and clouds - a moment of my life written down. I won't apologize for that. If you feel like I have said something that directly pertains to you personally - well, it might very well be meant for you in this case, or it might have absolutely nothing to do with you at all. Stop assuming. What I am writing at this very moment is for many many people in my life at the moment. Not just one person in particular.

Everyday I learn and grow. I change my mind. I feel differently about things I thought I knew before. I am still searching for who I am supposed to be in this life. For what I am supposed to do here...