I don't know what to do with the rest of my life.
I feel like I have 57 thousand irons in the fire, but no direction. I want to paint, I want to sew, I want to photograph, I want to mother, I want to be successful, I want to take more college classes, I want to be in love, I want to be sane, I want to not need pills, I want to garden, I want to win, I want to make more money, I want to be everything to everyone who needs me.
I am trying to do all of these things at the same time, and it gets to be insanely overwhelming. I can't make up my mind what I need to be doing by the hour. I keep telling myself to just deal with one thing at a time. I keep telling myself that - but lately the panic just sets in far too often. Taking more pills, but it doesn't seem to help. I feel like I talk to myself all flippin day long, like nobody really hears me if I talk out loud. Or when I do talk out loud, all I can muster out of my stupid face is shit like "I have pencils." I can't tell the difference between manic and depressed, they both feel sorta the same with different levels of crazy stuffed inside. Some folks tell me about things I said or did in the past - and I truly can't remember it. That - is a little bit scary.
Recently I have been fortunate enough to have conversations with a not-to-be-named person who has become pretty important to me. I value the time spent, and the input and feedback I get on all kinds of things dealing with life in general. I've been shown a few things that opened my eyes some to things I never imagined. This person makes me feel like there may be just a little bit of hope for me yet.....