THE ASHTRAY'S FULL...

I don't know what to do with the rest of my life.

I feel like I have 57 thousand irons in the fire, but no direction. I want to paint, I want to sew, I want to photograph, I want to mother, I want to be successful, I want to take more college classes, I want to be in love, I want to be sane, I want to not need pills, I want to garden, I want to win, I want to make more money, I want to be everything to everyone who needs me.

I am trying to do all of these things at the same time, and it gets to be insanely overwhelming. I can't make up my mind what I need to be doing by the hour. I keep telling myself to just deal with one thing at a time. I keep telling myself that - but lately the panic just sets in far too often. Taking more pills, but it doesn't seem to help. I feel like I talk to myself all flippin day long, like nobody really hears me if I talk out loud. Or when I do talk out loud, all I can muster out of my stupid face is shit like "I have pencils." I can't tell the difference between manic and depressed, they both feel sorta the same with different levels of crazy stuffed inside. Some folks tell me about things I said or did in the past - and I truly can't remember it. That - is a little bit scary.

Recently I have been fortunate enough to have conversations with a not-to-be-named person who has become pretty important to me. I value the time spent, and the input and feedback I get on all kinds of things dealing with life in general. I've been shown a few things that opened my eyes some to things I never imagined. This person makes me feel like there may be just a little bit of hope for me yet.....

A MUSE ING TO SOMEONE

It's no secret to anyone who has been a reader of any of my sites that I get a little overwhelmed and a lot confused, most of the time. It seems clarity is something I am always seeking, but never am I quick enough to obtain it. I know that there is no way I can stop taking my pills, but I do wonder what those pills take away from my life. Do they add to or subtract from? If I can't figure out what direction my life is supposed to take - is that normal? If I want to spend the rest of my life cleaning out bar sinks and painting in the nude on my time off - will they call it an "episode" and commit me to the nearest facility? If I say that I think I have only been in real love one time in my entire life and it isn't with my husband will they think I am immoral? If I told them all the secret things that go on in my brain, would they take away all that is my life? Right at this very moment I feel like my heart is going to burst right out of my chest. I don't know if it's love or hate or a kindred or what the hell it is - maybe just a heart attack or something even - but it's the most exhilarating thing I have ever felt in my whole life. I don't know what's coming down the road, but I can feel something bigger on it's way.....

I HAVE ISSUES

Still working on the weight loss over here. Not much progress these days. Seems like it started off so good, then just came to a screeching halt. I have run across literally hundreds of pills that say they will do the trick, but I really want to know - does Leptovox work? If anyone out there has ever tried it, I would be completely interested in what it has done for you. I figure hey - I already take a boat load of pills that apparently I will never get off of, so what's one more if it makes me skinny? (I totally need to get thin - like NOW.....)

PULLING FROM ALL SIDES

I want to stop taking pills. All my pills. Throw them out and start life over. But it's too late isn't it? Stuck, trapped at least for a long time. If I live long enough it might change eventually. Pulled from all sides constant, can't get to it all in one day but need to. Pull the weeds make things grow, educate them educate myself. Prepare and serve all the people, clean the covers and whoosh out the camera. Make it all look good, cry over canvas. Cry to no one, cover it up good. If I feel it, it will come to be true when maybe it wasn't in the first place. Hide them. More cement for the wall. Always spinning around, never does it stop. Ever.

I'M STANDING ON THE CORNER.....

Today, I officially have more tomatoes than I can eat, trade, or give away. So I am selling my fruit on the corner.....
I think I should hand out some of those cutesy little promotional pens that say "Hippy's Love Garden" and my address on them. Then maybe next year I can get some repeat corner buyers...
I was thinking maybe I should sell some banana bread and zucchini bread out there too. Hell - maybe even throw in some sweet tea and a full on garage sale!! Only PPHead ain't home from work yet, and when he does get here he is supposed to mow the lawn. It's only about knee high now so it shouldn't be a problem or anything...

ORANGE X'S ON THE TREES....

ONLY THIS ONE SAYS TREE!!! Haaaaaahaaaa!! Ok so this photo is for my friend Doc Benway - who will be one of about two people to understand this besides me...... I spurted coffee right out my nose when I saw this dang tree!

So the weekend was good for the most part. It seems we always encounter a few snags along the way, but I guess we are used to it. Overall we had a good time though and we got to see some amazing fireworks. I have never seen any that big before up so close - it was so cool. The county fair in Barton was pretty neat - kinda like a mini version of our state fair. Tons of vendors were there selling everything from crib bedding to garden stuff, to tractors and live turtles. There was a pretty good mess of things to look at and ohhhh the eats!! I love the carnival food - but man it don't love me. I had a porkchop on a stick - so good but oh so bad.....

How was your weekend??

SONG FOR THE MOMENT

PUBLIC SCHOOL, NO SCHOOL OR HOME SCHOOL?

She just wants to walk. The ceremony of getting her diploma is the only thing she cares about. The rest of the high school bullshit is something she wants to leave behind with absolutely no regrets. She doesn't care about Senior Prom, her class ring, the yearbook or the groups of rich rude snotty bitches that look down their noses at her every day. She especially won't miss the administration who doesn't care about her as a person, doesn't care if she gets her education, and don't care if she graduates or not. They wrote her off the day she started high school as one of "the bad kids." Lovely ain't it? From day one I told these people that she has ADHD, and had chosen at the start of high school to stop taking her medication. The cure was worse than the disease and made her too tired to function. I asked the school for an IEP, they said no. Buhler High School has done NOTHING for my daughter but stick her in an extra class to get help on her homework, where half the time the teacher couldn't help her anyway. She failed the speech class that is required to graduate, only to be told she would have to take it again with the same teacher. That teacher's grading policy is so screwed up that there is no way she could ever pass. She got sick and missed the first speech that was due, and that made it impossible for her to catch up due to his "way of doing things." At finals, he told her not to even bother because he was flunking her anyway. How nice. She was ready to quit school completely and just go to work. I almost let her.....

Then we found the answer. School at her own pace, without the bullshit, with free tuition. We only have to pay $70 for materials fees which is about half of what we pay for public school enrollment. Yes, I am homeschooling my senior in high school. More like she will be homeschooling herself. She has decided to take the rest of high school online. Next Tuesday night we will be driving to Wichita to attend the open house for the school, and getting geared up for school to start on August 16th. She will still have to get up in the morning at the normal time and get started with her day. She will still have teachers who will be calling her, emailing her, and grading her work. But these teachers actually WANT to see her succeed. She gets free use of a special laptop with wireless internet, printer, and other materials to work with. She will get one on one attention whenever she needs it. And of course I will be able to help her any time she needs it. So maybe the traditional way of doing things are out the window - but at least she will graduate, with a real ceremony, and a real high school diploma. Her chances of getting into college just went from 0% to 100% - all she has to do now is want it. And she does. The one thing we will be doing is Senior Pictures - I never had them and by golly my baby girl is going to have them no matter what!!

I am going to go ahead and let the two little ones attend public school this year as long as they are allowed to go to their same school, but next year I am seriously considering home schooling them as well. I want to see how it goes for Halie first, and if it goes as good as I think it will, then more than likely I will enroll them in the same type of school online and teach them myself. I have enough college credit to do it, and with all the bullshit that happened last year to my kids it just might be the better way to go. I honestly think that this is going to be more common than public school in the future, where parents have control over what kids their own kids are exposed to, what and how they learn, and most of all no cuts on art and music which I think are so so very important in a young child's life.

Wish me luck - diving in head first!

KEEPING THE TRADITION ALIVE

Another little sampling of the fireworks photos I took last night. For next year I need to buy memory cards that will hold at least 400 pictures. My oldest daughter has really taken a liking to photographing fireworks as well, and she even has some great ideas involving them for her senior pictures. Of course we will have to go somewhere out in the country as the shooting of fireworks is officially illegal again today in the city limits. Go figure.
I'm just happy that all of my children have an interest in art and photography. I know that a lot of schools and families just don't have the means to teach it to their children and that is so very sad to me. For Christmas, I want to save up enough money to get each one of them a small digital with big memory cards so they can have at it any time they want. The earlier you expose them - the better!

JUST AROUND THE CORNER

It never fails around here that as soon as we pass the 4th of July, it is time to start thinking about enrollment and textbooks and school supplies and on and on to get ready to go back to school in August. The shelves in all the stores put out the fall clothing lines and fill isle after isle with paper, pens, and crayons, never letting us forget the financial burden that is about to be placed upon our shoulders. Five more weeks of summer left for us, and now it mostly has to be spent preparing for winter. What a vicious cycle.....

This year holds a high school graduate for us, which includes a class ring, yearbook, senior pictures, senior prom, and god only knows what else for that one. She is still learning to drive and will need to get her regular license soon. All the thoughts of what to do after high school are keeping her mind busy, as she just doesn't know. I can't talk - I just finished college and I still don't know either. I am actually thinking about going further to get my Bachelors Degree....

LEARNING EVERY DAY

I have done it! Ok, well sort of.... I officially finished my first pair of shorts for Rye (with a TON of help from my mom) and now I am almost done with a second pair that I have done ALL by myself!!! My mom brought me over an ironing board for the table because I have never had one. I haven't even used the iron much before except to melt crayons between wax paper and such. So now I know sorta how to use it, and I am getting better at running the sewing machine too!

I am really glad I decided to take this up. For one thing it keeps me busy, and eases the depression. For another, I am going to be able to make school clothes for the kids for about $1 per piece. (Fabric on clearance YAY!) And another plus is that all those clothes that couldn't be sold at the garage sale are going to be recycled into either new clothes, or a quilt. Last but not least, mom and I are spending time together, laughing and talking about life, without all the drama. I like that.