SO IT'S A LITTLE LATE....

This was the birthday cake I made for Riley. She LOVED it! LOL! I am by no means a cake decorator, but I had fun baking it. I was trying to make her a Littlest Pet Shop Kitty Cat. I'm thinking maybe I should have just bought her one, but the cash I did have went to actual LPS Pets for her collection. My kids are little packrats, I swear! The first week of February the Walmart is having an LPS Parade - and Rye got an invitation in the mail - so guess who gets to take her... Yay. And of course they will have exclusive pets for sale that day, so I hope she saved some of her birthday money!
The whole not smoking thing isn't going to great. It's hard. BUT - I have been going to work out at the YMCA on a regular basis. Halie has already lost 5 pounds, and I found a muscle in my arm that I didn't know I had. Neat-O! I don't think I have lost anything, but all my pants fit again - which is a great relief. The kids are really enjoying going swimming, and my mom has been teaching the little ones how to swim. I also found a place to get term life insurance here. I am looking to get a little more - just in case. I am horrified that my kids will not be taken care of if something happens to me. Of course I am doing my best to avoid that - even my blood pressure has been really super good lately - awesomeness!!
So life keeps on going, it's been so busy lately. Lots of irons in the fire, but at least for the moment, it's not half bad!

IT'S A GIRL! ANOTHER ONE....

Something very sad, yet very exciting has happened here this week. The little gal up there in the photo - is Halie's biological sister. I can't disclose her name yet, but she is almost exactly 2 months younger than Halie. She was given up for adoption at birth, and today, the two girls were finally able to make contact. Like most of these kids, she is quite angry at Bryan (The biological father of all these kids.) A lot of them are starting to grow up now, and get to an age where they have so many questions. I wish I could give them the answers they seek, but I don't have them either. How that man sleeps at night knowing he brought life to so many kids, then just left them to fend for themselves is beyond me. Right now we have 3 girls who are all over 18, and my son who will be 15 in March. Of course there are MANY others, but these are just the ones I have contact with. Amazingly, even with different moms - they all look so similar. I hope that at some point we can get the four of them together for a photo, and a lunch or something. I know they all have such damaged souls because of this asshole. I think his best bet would be to get a motorhome and drive himself up to the hills somewhere. Unfortunately, he will probably never change, and continue to populate the earth as long as there are women out there who can be easily fooled. I'm so sad for these kids.....

I FEEL OLD.

Today, my baby is eight years old. It makes me feel like an old lady. Last night at the Y, Mom and I went to sit in the hot tub, and there were two very young girls/ladies sitting with us. One of them was complaining about dealing with a baby all day, and the other was trying to tell us how getting in the hot tub, then taking a nice cool swim was sooooo wonderful for our skin. I felt bad for the one with a baby, she didn't look much older than 16, and the other one may as well have been trying to sell us an antiaging product! When they got out of the hot tub, I noticed they were both wearing bikinis - OMG I so remember those. Not that I will ever be able to wear one ever again - but I remember being able to. *sigh* If only we could go backwards - change things just ever so slightly - but no. So today I will do all the mommy things I usually do. Bake a cake, bake cookies, wrap presents and blow up balloons. All to celebrate my last baby growing up. *sigh again*

I AM FACKING STARVING.....

Welcome to my life. My life of food. See the picture? Now take away the toast and hasbrowns and this is what I get to eat. Yay Foopin Yay. I get the omlette festival all to myself now. Did you know that carrots have carbs? Really. Diabetes should be the best weight loss product known to man - only everything you actually CAN eat is full of fat. What gives? I had like THREE whole spaghetti noodles the other night - it skyrocketed my blood sugars to over 300. Hello - it's a flippin noodle. So no more of those. Yeah - I am heavily fighting insulin - so I really have no right to complain. If I would take that nasty stuff - I could eat a little bigger variety of food. But I don't wanna. Pooh.

DON'T WANNA DIE

Gotta get ready for work soon, though I feel like it's a waste of time. My hours have been cut yet again, and the little I will get just seem to be in my way. I have things I want to do instead. Like walk and feel alive. Like take photos of everything. Like play with my kids and watch every expression on their faces. I want to go back to school again and get my Bachelors. I want to sing really loud and giggle even louder. Some days I hate my life, but every day I love LIVING! There is so much to see everyday. I wish I could be 18 again, but be where I am at the same time. Make sense?
I been checking out a site called www.youthologyreviews.com. I need some wrinkle help before I look as old as I feel. I am scared that if I am not fat anymore - I will get all wrinkly and look 100. Ewwww.
Still working on the no smoking. Not going so well. Lifesavers are good, but don't last long enough. I would try jawbreakers, but I can't find any sugar free ones. That's another thing I am fighting right now - the blood sugar. It seems like no matter what I eat - it's staying sky high. After I exercise - it's perfect, but only if I have no carbs. I gotta figure something out -s ooooo n.

HE KNELT TO PRAY

The other night, the kids and I ventured out to the Walmart for some groceries, and coming in the drive, there was a homeless man sitting on the median with a sign that said "Please - anything." Everyone in the car was immediately concerned, as the temperatures outside were below freezing, and the clothing he had on was tattered and not adequate to keep him warm. The kids had each intended on spending some of their Christmas monies on something for themselves, but instead they each offered up a few dollars and asked me to turn around. I dug around in my purse for the few bucks I had, and we turned around and pulled up next to him. When we handed him our few measley offerings, I asked him what he needed. (Such a stupid question since the answer was obviously everything...) He said, "I'd be grateful for anything, but this will help me so much. Thank you." (Refering to the tiny amount of cash.) As we drove away, I could see him in the rear view mirror - he got on his hands and knees to pray. I think all of the rest of us in the car were crying, as none of us can understand why any person should have to live like that. I don't know what he was praying for, but why would he even bother praying to a God who left him out there in the cold like that. What bothered me even more were the number of people who just drove on by him, like he was invisible. All the people packed up in their fancy, heated cars, worried about picking up cat food and the latest CD, the best night cream and the newest iPods, a new shirt for a night out, steaks for the grill.... We worry about things like this, when that guy didn't even have a place to call home. We do not have a lot of "beggars" in our town, as a matter of fact, you would rarely ever see this. The people around here are afraid it "tarnishes" the image of our city, so I was not surprised to see that he was gone by the time we had finished our grocery shopping. I would like to think that someone gave him a ride to someplace warm, but more than likely he got picked up by the cops due to some ol' snooty rich ass calling them complaining. It just really breaks my heart that people are so quick to help the less fortunate for the holidays, but when it comes to real life needs, everyone would rather turn a blind eye. He could have been a drunk, a homeless veteran, mentally ill, hell it could be his choice to be homeless - who knows? But it's not my place to judge as to why he was out there. All I know is it was bitter cold, he had nothing, and I had something. So we shared. Just imagine if everyone did.

SUCK MY BUTT

Have you ever seen those old dudes that stand around outside public ashtrays and dig around in them for ciggy butts? Oh yeah - that's so me right now. Except I hoard my own butts. I am still trying to quit, but I am down to 10 cigs a day. I smoke half, put it out, smoke a little more of it later, and save the butts in my little pack. Just in case. It's pathetic.
The one good thing I have accomplished is that there is no more smoking around the kids. None in the car blah blah blah. That, and I have learned over the past few weeks how to sit at the computer and have my coffee without smoking. That was kind of a big hurdle. The biggest problem I am having is still work. We are free to smoke whenever. Very hard to deal. I have a ton of mints and gum, so I am trying to substitute them when I get the urge. Between this, and trying to lose some weight, I still long for a magic cure. I'm a little tempted to try the phentermine, but I really would rather go all natural. I am afraid my body has so much damage to it already that some of it is not reversible. Funny how when you are 20, you never give anything a second thought. At almost 40, you start to worry about things breaking down like an old Ford. I keep telling myself I don't want to go out like my Dad. You would think that alone would be the only motivation I need, but the addiction to everything is so strong. I dunno. I do know that working in a liquor store has brought a bad taste to my mouth for alcohol. I see enough there that I will never let myself end up like those people. What do I need to see to take care of all my other cravings? I saw it. I just can't stop it.

HERE WE GO AGAIN

Please tell me that this will pass!! I have a feeling I'm gonna be visiting a few American Standard toilets in the next few weeks. I feel like I am going to vomit and I really really really want a smoke. I just got out of bed, got my coffee at my desk - but no cigs. Usually, the first thing I do in the morning - even before I go pee, is light a smoke. It feels very foreign to be sitting here after 16 minutes of being awake, without lighting one up....
The thing is, when I do wake up lately, I get to coughing, I choke a little, and nearly puke on the phlegm. I don't think that is so healthy. I don't want that in my life anymore. I don't want to be tied down to smoking anymore. It really does envelope a persons' whole life, and I am sick of it. I really wish though, that someone would just knock me out, tie me to a hospital bed, and keep me sedated until the withdrawals are over. I can't take the pills because the interfere with my meds, can't really afford the patch or gum, and what's the point anyways? If I am going to quit I should just stop it all together. Plus I think it is about more than just the nicotine addiction. I need to keep my hands busy - so I am typing - a lot. It just has to be done.....

LOOKING FORWARD

Well. Here we are. A nice clean fresh start for 2010. I have a ton of things running through my brain right now - like all the things I want to accomplish this year. I gotta take care of my health issues. Gotta look after my Momma. Gotta get out of debt. MUST get my kids involved in more activities - music lessons for one.
HAVE to plan and save for a decent vacation. Now that I've got the new camera, there are so many opportunities that I want to take advantage of. I've been looking at all kinds of different trip destinations, one being a day spent digging in a diamond mine in Arkansas. I have looked at the possibility of an Outer Banks vacation, featuring a day spent watching the gorgeous hang gliders that come from all around the world to compete. Imagine the photos from that day! There is so much out there to choose from it is mind blowing! The end result will only equal the amount I save by the end of May, so it's really quite up in the air at this point.
I really think I should find a new job too. Something more stable and with better pay. When I took the job at the liquor store, I was pretty desperate. I have to have A job, but at this point I think the one I have is just not going to work out anymore. I am lucky in the fact that because I do have my freelance work paying me pretty well, I can search for a new job and still pay my bills. Barely - but so far it's working....