LOVE NO ONE

Never Ever Again.

Trust no one. Love no one. It's just easier that way. People will only break your heart in the end anyhow. They will betray you, or leave you, or drop you in the dirt like trash. So there really isn't any point in letting people into your life, not the inside life. I'll give out the surface, but never ever again with anything deeper....

We lost another old friend this week. Funeral on Monday. He laid over the graves of his brothers, and shot himself in the head. I guess he'd had enough too....
You can rest now Josh. We'll miss you.

WTF IS WRONG HERE??????

The news, is disturbing. Lately all we are hearing about is this big healthcare thing, a ban on smoking of any kind anywhere, I just don't know. Seems like all of our rights as humans are slowly being taken away, more and more every day. I tend to be flippy floppy on the whole heathcare thing. I think we all deserve to be taken care of in our time of need, without the worry of money. But who should pay? It would be moral if everyone pitched in for the good of others, but then forcing people to do so just really isn't right either. I look at Canada, France - even Cuba - and wow - they don't make people worry about dying if they don't have inurance - because they all do. In our country, the rich walk around oblivious to anyone else - worrying about their BMW's and jeep accessories, fancy shoes and helicopter trips - they don't give a shit about people beneath them. But should we force them to? I dunno. I don't see why there couldn't at least be some kind of thing where people pay by their income really. What does not settle in my soul is the fact that my Dad DIED because of it all. He didn't have to. People should not DIE because they lack money or insurance. It's just not right. I think there is so much more to all of this than we are hearing about or seeing on the news. If everyone had access to care - obviously the pharma companies will lose money. All the big corporations must stand to lose something, or there wouldn't be such a big fight in the big house over it. I wish people would wake up - get the guts to stand up for what we want. If we are passionate about something, shouldn't we do everything we can to see it through? Everyone is too scared, to afraid of retaliations. It sucks.

I WANNA BE AMISH.....

I am so not even joking. I really do. I want to live on a farm, milk my own cow, butcher my own chickens, gather eggs, and hang my laundry outside. I don't know about the whole religion thing, or even about the driving a tractor around everywhere, but the rest of it sounds good to me....

CHANGE OF PLANS I GUESS

I wanted to be outside in my garden this morning. I wanted to be out there working all day. But nooooo - it's cold and yucky again. It is supposed to snow now. Yuck. I liked snow, don't get me wrong, but I have had my fill of it, and now I am ready for digging in the dirt. Instead, I am stuck inside all day, probably surfing the web at sites like www.adipexdietpills.org - doing more research for the whole dieting thing. I stepped way out of bounds last night, and had noodles for supper. Probably fine for any normal person, but not fine for me. Oh then there was the ice-cream. So yeah my blood sugars are through the roof this morning. Not much I can do about it - take my pills and wait. I would go swimming, but the pool doesn't open up until noon. Sometimes I just get so tired of being me.....

IT WILL NEVER GET BETTER WILL IT?

It's been four months.

I still miss him.

My heart still hurts. A lot.

Lord help me, but I'm gonna need the strongest fat burners in the whole world right now - cuz I am eating the rest of my Ben and Jerry's Whirled Peace Ice Cream so I can cry and feel sorry for myself. It's Friday and after me and Halie watched the C&C movie, I seriously picked up the phone to call him and tell him how hard Halie laughed. He would have loved hearing that. I put the phone down, realizing I'm a dumb ass. I want to hear his voice, listen to him laugh, tell me stories about his "back in the day." I want to hear the "day I was born" story again, and the one about him cutting off the strap to his overalls. I want him to give Halie's boyfriend the 3rd degree, and cook him fried chicken. Every day, all the time, I still talk about him like he was here. Sometimes it feels like he still is. Maybe just on vacation somewhere.

One of my customers from the store died last week. He was only 36. Didn't have health insurance. Been sick for the last 6 months or more, but couldn't afford to go to the doctor. So he just died. Left behind a little daughter. I just don't get it....

RAISING RATES AGAIN??

SO, I just heard on the news this morning that the big ol' health insurance companies are whining that they don't make any money, and that they want to raise rates yet again. I just have to wonder where it's going to stop? It's no wonder people can't afford it, and every year it just gets worse. They charge more, and cover less. And god forbid if you have any health conditions - because they will do everything they can not to cover you. If they had it their way, you would only get to go to the doctor for check-ups, and stupid crap like prescriptions for the best hemorrhoid treatment. It's all so rediculous.
I got to thinking about it, and started trying to add up the amount of money we all spend every month on just insurances. There's car insurance, life insurance, health insurance, home insurance, mortgage insurance, and I'm sure that some people actually have others. I think on average though, it would be somewhere around $800 and up - every month. $800 BUCKS!!!
Then comes the TAXES - OMG.... sales tax on everything you buy, property tax on everything you own, special taxes tacked on to every bill you get every month, and then income taxes that come out of every paycheck. Add that one up for your family - see what you come up with. The numbers are mind-blowing. I am willing to bet that the average family pays in about $500 a month just on taxes. Without any major purchases being figured into that.

Hello - I mean - that is a lot of money! Most of it being spent on "What If's" and the rest going to "Who Knows."

WHY YOU SHOULDN'T...

.... lose your temper whilst driving.

This morning, I was taking the kids to school, and a lady behind me was right on my bum. I was doing the speed limit, she was obviously in a hurry. I don't speed. I just don't. If I am late, I'm just late and that is life. So be it. Anyhow, I complained out loud about it, but whadddyado? Usually I will just slow down, but sometimes my car helps me. Whatever is wrong with it - it speeds up and slows down all by itself. I can't afford to have it fixed at the moment, cuz I'm sure the price tag will be ginormous. So I turn in to drop the kids off, and so does the lady behind me. I'm like OMG. Wha? For a minute I thought she was coming for me! But she pulled around and parked and I just thought - wow - I can't believe a teacher would do that.....
So Shane gets into the car this afternoon and tells me - "MOM - it was (xxxxxxxxxx) behind you this morning - she told me - and she said you need to learn how to drive and go the speed limit." I was floored, but I giggled. Just so you know - I adore this person. So to her I say: "I am sorry. BUT I WAS going the speed limit Missy! LOL! And I'm sorry for calling you silly, even though you couldn't hear me. And I didn't do it - my car did. And I still love you."
So now I am going to get back to reading these wrinkle cream reviews, and then I am going to cook some dinner and go to my Zumba class. LMAO!!

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY

And Halie has a stalker. Go figure - but his name is OMAR. He found her on Facebook, then at SCHOOL!! Very freaky!! I have an OMAR too, and she is my stalker, but I love her. We should direct them both on where to buy a nice natural colon cleanser. Heehee! Ok, maybe not MY Omar. Actually, I am pretty proud of her. SHE GOT A JOB!! And I think she is really in her element at it too. But it's a secret what she does. I don't really know even. Well - it's in the health care industry. I do know that much. But the rest is secret because I think she is developing some kind of cure for something. Yeah. That's my girl!!
So today is Wednesday after all, and I am off work today! YAY! But - I gotta clean and cook and fold and vacuum and on and on and on..... Boo.

I THINK...

..... I screwed up my taxes. I'm a little scared of being audited. I don't know why they have to make it so complicated, to where normal human beings can understand them. I have like this teeny tiny area where my computer and such is placed in my living room, and it's supposed to be considered "my office." You have to take like all your bills for the entire house, and use a percentage of that as the cost of the "office." BUT I couldn't find that magic percentage, so I just guessed it to be like 5 percent. Makes sense to me because 95% of the rest of the house, is just a house. Right? Well no I guess not. I dunno. I need business insurance for this kind of thing I think. THEN like - no one could figure out whether or not I run a business in the first place, or if I am what you call "self employed." If the tax people don't know - then how the hell would I know???

HOW LUCKY WE ARE

I think with the recent events of my step father going into the hospital, it really brought up some scary feelings inside me. I am doing the best I can to deal with it, and I thank the heavens for sending me people like my Mar to deal with them. She's the only person I know who will wake up out of a dead sleep, answer her door, and let me cry on her shoulder when I just don't feel like I can face another minute on this earth. We have our fights, our days of just being annoyed with one another, but when it comes right down to it, we will always be there for each other....

So thankfully, my step father came home from the hospital yesterday. He is doing really good after having had quadruple bypass. We could have lost him that day, but by some miracle, he is still here with us. Jeeez, if he'd had spine surgery Mexico style, or had been sent to another hospital out here, who knows what would have happened to him. But - he's home - just in time for the race today (The Daytona 500) and in good spirits Mom said. I had told her to prepare for a long battle at the hospital, knowing what I had went through with my Daddy, but his experience was so much different, and I am glad. No one deserves to go through that kind of pain and suffering. I am sure he has a bit of a road to travel as far as getting completely back up on his feet, but we will all be there to help. It's just so good to know he's home. What a true gift on Valentines Day!!

OPEN LETTER TO THE MOOCHER

Yeah - you know who you are. I know you read this, so keep reading....
I didn't like you 20 years ago, and I don't like you now. I think it's time for you to pack your things and move on down the road. You have taken advantage of the people I care about long enough. Don't even try to say you pay "rent" - because the money you do give, doesn't even cover the costs of the electricity, gas, water, trash, and shampoo you suck up. You let your man move in, without even asking if it was ok. Doesn't he have a job? Can't HE take care of you now? Why don't YOU get a job like the rest of us have to do and take care of yourself? I don't want to hear your bullshit pity party either, because I have gone to school, raised a family, and worked - all at the same time - so don't tell me it can't be done. Get off your lazy ass and do something. You saw an easy mark - people who love easily and are compassionate - and you scammed them. It sickens me. Seriously - you are a grown woman and you can't even cook a meal for yourself or your own child? You have a house available for you to live in with your "man" - but it's not good enough? What do you expect when you do nothing? Get out. Really.

SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!!!

Ok - I really can't take anymore. I don't think anyone in my family can at this point. How much punishment do we really deserve? How much can one group of people possibly have to endure before we can rest? Seriously - I need a vacation rental Hawaii - STAT!

Yesterday, my Moms' husband (I guess you call that my step-dad, though I have a hard time thinking of anyone else as my dad...) had a heart attack at home. After arriving at the hospital, he had another heart attack in the ICU. Last night they performed an emergency quadruple bypass surgery on him, to save his life. My Mom called me around 2:30 in the morning to let me know they were finishing up and getting ready to move him back to the ICU. She has been at the hospital since around 9 in the morning yesterday with him. She's still there, though I wish she would come get a little nap and something to eat. Having gone through all this with my own Daddy, I know that there is not a thing she can do for him right now. He needs to rest, and tomorrow she will be able to be of more comfort to him. But - she is stubborn and probably will try to stay there instead.

I just can't even imagine what she is feeling right now - other than scared out of her mind. I can't imagine the thought of losing the only men she has ever loved - within 4 months. If he dies - that is what will have happened to her. I just can't understand how life can be so ungodly cruel.....

REALLY?

Some days, I really wonder if it's even worth getting out of bed anymore. Seriously. No matter how hard I try to stay above water, it seems like I just keep sinking. It's not just one thing in my life - more like all the little things that build and build until it's like this huge pile of garbage. Like - the kids came home from school and said head lice is going around. OMG. I so don't want to deal with that. I mean - have you seen Rye's hair? So I have been braiding her hair and keeping it all gooped up with product. Gross.
I sent out about 50 emails a few days ago to all of the real estate agents in this town, offering my services as a photographer. Nothing. Not one phone call. I get my hopes up, and nothing. Ergg. I really need this to take off - hours cut at the store = not enough cash to live on.
I have now tried all of the solutions for acne known to man. They seem to really work for a while - then suddenly - they just quit. I am sick of looking like a 15 year old. I am almost 40 for shits sake - lemme have a day here and there with no pimples already!!
It's just the little things I tell you.... and a few big ones. Like - I really really miss my Dad. I want to pick up the phone and call him and hear his voice on the other end. I can talk ABOUT him to lots of people, but there isn't anyone I can talk to as far as DEALING with his death. I pretend to be ok - but I'm really not. My heart hurts.