AMAZING SPRING BREAK

It feels so good to be home, even though tomorrow is back to work, back to school. We made some very good memories on this trip, did some re-connecting with family, with ourselves as a family unit, and reconciled some things that have been hanging over us for a while now. There were a few moments when the tears couldn't be contained, moments I knew my Daddy was right there with us, having fun with us, protecting us, and watching over us. So many times I wished I had at least one of those netbooks, or laptops, something I could document the moments as they came, instead of having to try and remember them all and write them down later. Would have come in handy for hotel reservations too. We kinda just flew by the seat of our pants really. I do think that sometimes the best times come like that. I don't know what the future holds for us, but I do know that a different path is being put in front of us. So much to say, not enough space in my head to get it all organized. I still have an entire camera full of photos to download, 80 loads of laundry to get working on, and half the ocean in the back of the truck to clean up and put away. Check out this sunset - just gorgeous! I have no idea where we were except somewhere in Oklahoma on our first night. If you look at it right, this world really can be so beautiful.....

I THINK THEY ARE GETTIN MARRIED....

Do you think it would be too weird to have a wedding for these two? A little kitty wedding with a cake and flowers and little tuxedos and wedding gowns? LOL! Hey at least Rye would have fun. She would bake them a little kitty wedding cake. Little kitty champagne. Heeeeeeeeee!! Yes - I have officially lost my mind. I can't find my Ativan. I need it to go bye-bye. I hate traffic. Especially in Dallas. I need to have a lobotomy now. Yes. Ok. So I hope ya'll have a good week. I hope mine ends safely and sanely. I know it won't be sane, but it's a nice thought. "He's touching me!" "She poked me!" "It's too crowded in here!" "I gotta Peeeee now!" Oh the joys of a road trip with three kids. Shoot me now.....

ON FARMVILLE....

I like Farmville. I like it a lot. I usually play it every morning while I am having my coffee and quiet time before the kids get out of bed. It's my own little world and I can create it just how I would love to have it if I could have a real one. I love that. BUT. I noticed the other day that they are now offering Farmville game cards at the stores. You can use them as FV Cash - to buy fake stuff for your fake farm. I think it's going just a little too far. I mean really. Now I can see paying a little every month to play games - subscriptions and the like. I play Packrat, and I used to play POGO. It's cheap fun, and ok whatever. But this one just seems to go too far. People are actually paying good money for something they can't touch. It's not like baseball cards. You get nothing. Pixels. Yikes. I guess to each his own. Some people have a whole movie palace in their homes, complete with home theater seating. Me - I just like going to the movies once in a while. It's just more fun. Sometimes, I just don't get it.....

SO ABOUT THIS HEALTH CARE THING....

I don't think I know what to think really. So the bill has passed that MOST people will get health care now. But what about the REST of the people. Will they just fall through the cracks? Am I going to be required to pay something I can't afford for health insurance? Will I have a choice? I get that it's good for people with pre-existing conditions, of which I have several. Right now I am lucky enough to have insurance through work, but those payments are insanely high. Will they be higher? Lower? Will insurance companies now be required to cover things that they preiviously did not? Like birth control? I have heard some people say that the insurance we now have will be a thing of the past. If I getsomething like Mesothelioma Cancer, will I now just die from it still, or will I actually get care? Cuz right now, even with insurance, I could not afford the co-pays, the 20%, and the costs of the medicines, so I would just die anyway. Just because a person is insured, doesn't mean that they can afford all the costs that are left afterwards. We pay through the nose already for the service, pay more for the medical care, pay more and more until we have nothing left anyway. So where is the big fix?

UNDER MY UMBARELLA ELLA ELLA

Ok, so I don't have an umbrella. But I do have an electric blanket I could wrap you in and keep you safe and happy and warm. I worry about you my friend. I keep you in my heart every day, whether you know it or not. I found something the other day in my Daddy's checkbook that he had kept in there all this time. It was to remind him of you I guess. I will tell you about it some time. I think that it would make you smile. He thought the world of you, you know.
I hope you are ok over there. I hope you know that no matter what weirdness is going on in my life, I will always be there to listen to yours. That's what friends do. Sometimes it's ok to cry on your friends' shoulders. Even if you can't reach them so good. I love you.

SHOULD I????

Hee. Heee heeee. PPHead asked me if I could give his hair a quick trim before we left for Texas. Haaa Haaaaaaaaa! Should I??? LOL!

So we are venturing out on a family "Vacation" some time in the next 12 or 57 hours. All of us. Together. Should be interesting.

Where would you go if you could leave your house right now, get in the car, and just start driving? The lake? The ocean? Where? Do you require a fancy hotel, or could you be content in a camp ground? Is wine a must at dinner, or do you love a good cold beer instead?

I would drive to the lake, sleep in a tent, and have a nice cold beer. And a campfire. But it's freekin cold here so THAT is out of the question until sometime in May.

GO AWAY WINTER!!!

Ewwwwwwwww. It's snowing and icing and ickying again outside. I don't like it. Not anymore. In the winter - it's fine. In the spring - not so fine. I wanted to leave for Texas today. Not going to happen. It's snowing the whole route we were planning on taking. I'm not in for that kind of dangerous, so for now I will just stay home and pout. Pouting. Pouting. Pouting. Maybe I will invent a hair loss cure. For heads. I would love a hair loss rememedy for every other part. I suppose I should shave my legs since I'm on spring break with nothing better to do now. Clean. Clean some more. Do laundry. Blah. I should have just went to work. Meh.

Is this big enough Mar?

DON'T TREAD ON ME

I am so flamingly pissed off right now. My kids came home from school today and informed me that there was some kind of dental clinic going on, and they were forced to participate. My youngest said she told them that it was NOT ok with her mom to take part, and that they forced her to do it anyway. My middle said they didn't give him a choice either. They both said these people had them open their mouths, they stuck a mirror in it, and looked inside with a flashlight. They said that the flashlight was used over again for everyone, but the other items were thrown away. They checked them out, handed them a toothbrush, and sent them on their way.

So why am I so angry?

My kids HAVE a dentist. They go every six months on schedule or as needed. I don't need dental care through the school system. A paper was sent home weeks ago as a permission slip, and I DID NOT SIGN IT! I think it's disgusting that they used the same flashlight over and over again on the whole school - NOT SANITARY HELLLLLO!! If my kids get sick, someone better be upping the cash to pay for the doctor visit and the medicines. I did not ask for this, did not agree to this, and certainly did not want this for my kids. I feel like our privacy has been invaded, our rights have been stepped on, and like I am looked upon as not doing what is right for my children on my own.
Sure - some kids probably need the service, and by all means go ahead if the parents agree to it. Give my kids the free flipping toothbrush and keep your hands OFF of them. I know what is best for my kids, and I TAKE CARE OF IT. I mean for real? What is next? Are they going to start handing out multivitamins and immunizations without our permission?? It's bad enough that schools put the poisonous fluoride in the water, which if ours ever does, my kids will not be drinking water at school ever again. GAH!
I tell you what - if you people are all so worried about our kids, why don't you check the garbage YOU are feeding them every day. Processed crap that comes from who knows where, with barely anything fresh besides some lettuce here and there, and a banana. Yeah, I know - don't like it - pack their lunches, but then they would have to eat cold food everyday. No there's not a place for the kids to heat up their lunch, no place to keep a lunch cold. Otherwise - I already would be.......

So I guess I want to know what in the world they wanted to know in checking out all the kids' teeth? Oooo someone has some cavities so they must have terrible parents!? If you had found any in my kids mouths, then what? What about the people who can't afford dental care? You going to FORCE them to have it done? Pay those bills for them? Let me tell you what here - my little kids, don't have cavities. They have seals on their teeth to prevent that. They have been seeing the same dentist since their first little teeth popped up, their whole lives. At 18 my oldest had her very first cavity ever, which was promptly filled and taken care of. Does this make me a bad mom???

MORE DOCTOR JUNK

So I had my three month med check earlier last week. Gag. Even with all of my hard work, apparently I still have no idea what I am doing. My sugars are back up, and I have gained a total of 18 pounds since my Dad got sick. I swear to gawd this is so insanely hard. I look at all the awesome weight loss stories on TV, and wonder why that can't be me. Why can I not just get something right for once in my life? I thought I had been doing so good. The doctor said the meds I am on can cause weight gain, then quadruples my dose and adds another one. This is it. There is nothing left to try, and if I can't get it together, the only other option is insulin. The old lady pill box can not fit one single more pill inside of it. I so don't need this garbage in my life. Seriously.

IGNORANCE IS NOT AN EXCUSE

Again, the news takes my breath away, makes me want to vomit. Here in my town, a little 3 month old baby was killed by her parents using a blowdryer in her crib. No one knows yet if it was on purpose or accident, though it's assumed accidental at the moment. The baby cooked to death. An hour away in another Kansas town, a full term new born baby was found in a ditch. A ditch. I want to know what the fuck is wrong with these mothers and fathers? Short of being severely mentally ill, challenged, whatever you want to call it, there is absolutely no excuse for this. NONE. There are so many support systems out there for mothers if they just LOOK. Here in KS you can drop your baby at the doorstep of any hospital, church, firestation, ect - with absolutely NO consequences. You can call the health department and speak with a nurse any time if you are struggling, and they will help you. I really believe that before graduating high school, every kid should have to take a basic parenting class. For those that drop out, they should be forced to participate in some kind of life skills classes and parenting classes, or have their drivers license pulled until they do. Obviously the parents of these children have the first responsibility in educating their children on these subjects, and I just don't understand why they haven't. Where are they? Does anyone speak about real life issues with their kids anymore? Are people just so consumed by fancy cell phones, video games, designer clothing, and bullshit, that real issues like this don't even come up anymore? Jeezus! A baby is not just some cute little doll that you can ignore when you don't feel like messing with it anymore. It's a lifetime commitment to something other than yourself. Babies are expensive, require constant care, and before you have one you should know the impact it will have on the rest of your life. Our kids will have to get this information somewhere, whether it be from us as parents, or our education system. It's actually pretty sad, as our teachers should be spending their time teaching reading and math. Instead they have to fill in all the gaps left by horrible parenting.
I became a mother at 18 too. Not the best choice in the world, I wasn't prepared, had a shitty marriage, the whole nine yards of crappy. But during my stay at the Youth Center at Beloit, they made me take a life skills class, made me take a parenting class. As much as I hated being there - it was actually the best thing that ever happened to me. When I got pregnant, I knew to seek out the care of a doctor, who sent me for support from nurses at the health department. I had my mom, my mother in law, to guide me and give me a break every now and then. Any question I had, all I had to do was ASK. My life's focus turned from myself, to my baby, and it has been all about my babies ever since. I'm not perfect, it's been a bumpy road in spots, and every day I learn something new. Everything I do learn, I will pass on to my children, and hopefully they will do an even better job with their children.
My oldest daughter seems to have the "baby fever" at the moment. She and her fiance are planning out their wedding, making choices about their future family, jobs and college careers, and all the things that they want together. I sat them down this weekend and made a list of everything a baby will need. The end of the list came to about $3000 bucks, and neither of them had much color left in their faces when I was done. And that was just what was needed to bring the baby home. Of course we had to add to that list, the expenses involved in getting their first house and having utilities turned on ect. Then we talked about health insurance, and how much it costs medically to actually have the baby. Needless to say, she refilled her birth control pills and he agreed they will just be happy caring for the cat right now. I think he's also going to look at getting a better job.
You know, I really can't wait to be a Gramma, but I want so much better for my grandkids than I was able to do for my own kids. Isn't that what we all want?

HERE WE GO AGAIN....

AAAAAAAAAARrrrrrrrrrghhhhh!!! Yep. I wanna rip all my hair out. I hate my landlord, who so conveniently hides behind his religion with his "Do unto others.." bumper sticker and "John 3:16 window decal. Once again I sit here with no water - broken hot water heater - AGAIN. If his fat fart son had've fixed it right the first 12 or 57 times..... At least I got almost all my laundry done. Just one giganto load of towels left. That I need. Well I would need if we could all take showers. Looks like we will be eating out tonight, and showering at the YMCA. Jeesus. The drunkety drunk repair guy showed up this time, I showed him the leaky thing, and he left to get a "part" - though what friggin part it would need I have no idea. Maybe a pipe to extend out the other pipe since the thing is half fallen into the floor now. Idiots. So instead of a new water heater, this guy will probably come back with a Grohe faucet. Which wouldn't be so bad since all my faucets drip constantly too. But they never leak when anyone is around. Only when I am here alone. It's a conspiracy I tell you.....

WELL, WHAT NOW?

So, I don't really know where I stand in this world anymore. Things I thought were working out, aren't. Things I thought were ok - aren't. I guess life is like that sometimes, and no matter what you do, you can't always fix it....
My hours at work have been increased, though ever so slightly. Not really to my advantage - none of it makes any sense. I suppose that jobs in sales aren't really that great for anyone right now, but the liquor really just sells itself. The thing I fear the most is that I know our owner is looking to sell the whole business. Where will that leave me in the end? I don't really want any further responsibility, but I don't want to lose my job entirely either. I have looked at other things, but it just makes more sense to stay where I am for the moment. I have a few photo shoots lined up, but not enough to make any real money from it. They say the economy is supposedly getting better - but "they" don't live at my house.....

UNCOMFORTABLY NUMB

The earth lost another soul today, but I really hope heaven got another angel. I found myself sitting there at the funeral, so insanely angry. The sound of the pastors words - they sound so redundant to me now. Over and over we are told in Sunday school that if you commit suicide, you are going to go to hell. Yet when I sat there - listening to the words of the pastor - he said that Josh was in the arms of Jesus now. So where does the truth lie? The church was incredibly full of people, all those people - yet not one of those same people could be there to help him when he needed it the most. It's not our fault the pastor said. But isn't it?
All this loss, this death - it's just left me numb. I just sit here, waiting my turn cuz it just doesn't seem worth fighting for anymore. All the things I want to change about myself, my own life - it's like swimming against the current really. All the things I want to change about the world - the hatred, the wrongs, I just can't seem to make a difference. What the fuck is the point anymore?