CHRISTMAS CASH

I am hoping that a LOT of people are thinking about great gift ideas for Christmas by now. Of course I am hoping that a LOT of people will also consider giving artwork prints as those gifts as well. I have a ton of my art - photographs and such - out there for sale, and now is the biggest season for selling it. If you care to, you can check out my portfolio blog and see tons of work, plus a few links to get you on the path to purchasing my work. Or just drop by my RedBubble and check it out! I think I even have a few artist proofs of my linoleum prints stashed around here somewhere. I have had a case of the "been meaning too" do so much with all my artwork, but I just haven't found the time. Heck - I haven't pulled out the big camera in a while now. This weekend is going to be insane, with Halloween and work, and blah blah blah. I was supposed to be off Saturday, but now I have to go in. Such is life I guess.

I hope everyone has a safe and Happy Halloween!!

FOUND ITEMS

My boss at work found one of these in the cash drawer the other day. It's a $5 silver certificate. We tried and tried to figure out if it was worth more than just $5, but we came up with every answer from just $5 all the way to outrageous amounts. We find some odd things where we work on occasion, but this has been the neatest. Why anyone would give it up to buy a bottle of booze is beyond me. I wish they would bring in some silver bars next time, as I would gladly trade them for their beloved whiskey! We have had all kinds of unusual coins in the past as well - some of which were pretty old. Even if they weren't worth anything more than face value, they sure are neat to look at. Another co-worker found a red dotted $2 bill on the same night as the Silver $5 bill. Funny she missed the latter. I get excited about foreign money, so it's all really neat to me. What can I say? I am easily amused.....

WHAT TO DO WHAT TO DO?

I just found out yesterday that my student loans are now due. I don't make enough cash to pay that high of payments. They want almost $400 bucks a month - for the rest of my life I think. I don't know if they have noticed, but there aren't any jobs out there. Certainly nothing in my degree area. For my town, if you don't work in a health care career, or something requiring more education than what I have - you are doomed to do what I do - minimum wage bull hockey. I have used up all my deferment time, and am now looking at default. They say they can only help me further if I make less than $573 a month. ??? Wha? Even if I went out and got another job - I still wouldn't be able to come up with the cash. Because I would have to pay a daycare to watch my kids, and the myriad of other things that would then be affected. You just can't win....

WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?

Do you ever look at something in your life, and ask yourself - "when did this happen?"
I was pouring my second cup of coffee at 5 am, and just started wondering - when the hell did I start drinking coffee every day? When did it go from a nice treat, to a daily necessity? When did I start waking up at 4 in the morning and staying up? Where did all this gray hair come from, and when did I start buying wrinkle cream? It's all a bunch of habits now, but I can't remember ever NOT doing these things! Well almost - the coffee habit started shortly after I brought my second child home from the hospital. All those sleepless nights..... and when did these kids get so BIG by the way??

ANOTHER MONDAY

Went to work. Seems as though the liquor store down the street is finally going under. I heard the owner got a DUI this weekend, and the doors were all closed up on Saturday. Needless to say, our business is picking up - quickly! Now if only I could get a raise....

Someone asked me if I was pregnant today. Time to check into nutrisystem I guess. Usually no one asks me questions like that. My pants still fit. Lord.

Tomorrow night will be busy. Shane Michael is volunteering at a dinner honoring community volunteers. I think it's great to let the kids do some community service work. Rye has cheerleading, which she now hates, and I have a full day of work too. I don't know how some of these hard working Mom's out there do it! Much respect though - it is difficult for me to keep up with just the little I do, I can't even imagine trying to work a full time job and deal with 3 kids and ALL of their activities too. *Whew*

DEAR SANTA....

All I want for Christmas is....
World Peace.


Oh who am I kidding?!
I really want a diamond tennis bracelet. So I can SELL it and buy a Playstation 3 with Guitar Hero Warriors of Rock complete game kit!! LOL! I think they cost about the same. I thought it would be a nice gift for my son, (The Playstation 3) until I saw the price. I miss playing the drums. The ones I broke on accident. Trying to be cool. Now this new Guitar Hero is only being made for the PS3 - which we don't have. Whyyyyyy? (Insert Huge Whine)

Who has that kind of money to spend on one Christmas gift? Jeesh! So - I am guessing that none of the above will be under the tree this year. But a girl can wish right?!

ONE OF THOSE DAYS

Oh. My. Gawd.

It's 3 am and I am still wide awake. Gee golly go diet pills!! My mind is going ninety to nothing, gotta do this and this and that and please shut up already!! Thank God I have the day off tomorrow. I do have things to do, so it's not like I can just sleep all day. I have to get the house cleaned - it's a complete disaster - again. Laundry. Gag. Go pay the bills that I am already late on - oops - sorry cable - but you are always last on my list....
I can't find one of the stupid Netflix movies I had. Now I can't remember if I mailed it back or what the deal is. Don't you hate it when little stupid things like this keep you awake at night? Even if I actually could close my eyes and get to sleep, at this point I would get maybe 2 hours before I would just have to get up again and get the kids ready for school.
Sometimes - I really hate my brain.....

CORN COB PART DUEX

Actually, not so much. What is it in my own heart and my own brain that makes me feel like I should apologize for things that I haven't even done? I hate more than anything, walking around not knowing what in the world I said or did that caused issues with people. I hate questioning myself everyday. At what point did things go from that to this? So even though I complain about certain family members complaining about me, at least they just came out and said what they were thinking - real or imagined. This is why I spent so many years away from people. It's easier to not care. I think that it's another reason I stay at my job. I only have to deal with people on a surface level. I don't have to care, and for the most part - I really don't. It makes me sad, but I don't think there is anything I can do or say to change it. I wish it were so easy to just walk away and say "Oh well - who cares." Problem is - I do.

On another interesting note, I had the circumstance to find the absolute best diet pills on the planet. Well, not so much in pill form - but a "shake" kind of thing. I didn't have time to eat breakfast on Friday morning, and I had to go to work, so I stopped in at the convenience store next door to look for something breakfast like to drink. I was hoping for a Carnation Instant Breakfast shake - you know - the ones in cans? No luck, so I found this thing called Muscle Milk. I read the bottle and it said it was a chocolate protein shake - so close enough right? Uhhhh. I am not sure what those things are for, but I have been paying for it for almost 3 days now. It says something about promoting something good - but that is soooooo not what it promoted for me!! LOL! I will say - my pants are looser today. Gawd! On the upside - I totally was not hungry for - well - the rest of the day!!

CORN COB MUCH??

I have heard it said before that we fight the most with the ones we love. I can see the point, but I am actually getting sick of it. There is so much going on within the family dynamic that I don't know who to bitch about first. Let's just say my main complaint is only related to me by marital situation. Yeah. That sounds good. I am sure that I would be better off to quit typing, and just go and read a dozen acne product reviews, but I am to bewildered and angry to do so. This person has lost his or her flipping mind. At one point in time, this person had the gall to say I couldn't be around the other family members because I was too unstable, and no one knew what I was going to do next. They made it sound like I was so off kilter that I may at any moment become an ax murderer. Now this person has got their panties all in a bunch because of something she said happened, that didn't, and is accusing me of things I didn't do. Kooookooooo! I have no idea where she/he came up with this, but I think it's time to get off some of those drugs my dear!! She and or he has also made the statement that my "diabetic condition" is fake. Um. Dear god how I wish that were true, though I have no idea what the point would be. Yeah - cuz I like to poke myself and stuff, just for fun - cuz I am nutso like that. It's not the first time that this person has given me grief, though it is going to be the last. I've had enough.

ONE YEAR

I miss you Daddy.

IF TODAY WAS YOUR LAST DAY

One year ago today, was Daddys' last day on this earth. The LAST day of his life. No more. Poof. Gone. Done. Over. The last day. I wonder what he thought about. I wonder if he saw the great white light that everyone talks about. I wonder if some great gate opened up and all of our long passed family members were really there to greet him and take him "home."

I wonder what I would do if I knew that today was my very last day.

What would you do? If you knew it too?

I can't imagine how frightened I would be. I would want to grab up all of my family and hold them in my arms so closely, tell them all how very much I loved them - more than any words could ever describe. Nothing else would even matter one single bit. Nothing.

So why does everything else seem to matter so much while we are living?

What if when we go - we just go - and there is nowhere after life? What if all the white light and angel stories are just our own brains, creating what it wants to believe? I know that awareness is the only thing that separates us from animals, but what if that awareness simply goes out, and we just cease to be anything after death?

Last year during Daddy's stay in hospice, I kept seeing butterflies and I was thinking that it was a sign from God. I really thought it was so unusual to be seeing them at this time of the year. I thought in my heart it was a symbol of the transformation that was surely unfolding before my eyes. I guess in reality I had just never paid that much attention, because here we are in the same season, and the butterflies are everywhere....

What if God and the Bible are just really great stories, all made up by men to try and keep the peace on earth so to speak. What if it isn't? Science explains away religion, religion is just so mysterious with no clear answers. The same texts that say it is an abomination to murder, tell us to go out and murder those who don't believe the same. Doesn't make much sense to me. The universe seems too big to simply have produced one single life-bearing planet as well. If science says that we rose up from the stuff in the water..... well how many more earths could exist out there? Would all of those humanish beings be aware as well? Would they know a God? Death?

What if all things are, then simply are not?
Everything.
Everywhere.

........................................................

STRING ME UP DOTTY

Lately it seems this blog must be decorated with a big ol' string of multi color led christmas lights with a big flashing sign that says "HEY!! Anonymous strangers! Please come here and leave nasty comments about my love and support or lack thereof of my children!!" Hmmm. Yeah last time I checked, I'm pretty sure it didn't have all that, but oh-kay then....

So maybe I should just open it all up for everyone to tell me what to do. What would YOU do? How would you feel? Would you feel strictly one way? Torn? What? The situation - my 19 year old daughter has left home, quit college, and gotten pregnant. She has no health insurance, had - but no longer has a crappy job (More about that one in a minute....) and is living with her fiance who makes $12 bucks an hour - which everyone knows is not enough to support a family on. She applied for help from the state and was very bluntly told to quit her job or they could not help her.

My feelings. I love my child. I am happy about being a gramma. I will support my daughter and her fiance in any way in which I am capable. If need be, I will buy furniture, diapers, clothes - whatever. My girl knows that if she is hungry, I will feed her. If she needs to talk, I will listen. If she needs ANYTHING at all - I will do everything in my power to help her.
I would RATHER she stayed at home and finished college.
I would RATHER she gotten a good job, then got married.
I would RATHER she had gotten married and had the means to support a child before getting pregnant.
In other words - I would RATHER she had not followed in my footsteps.
SEE???

Do I love her any less because she did things the way she chose to do them? NO!
Will I turn my back on her because I don't necessarily agree with her choices? NO!
Now, do I have the means to pay for her health care bills? No I don't. I have looked into everything out there. There are no options. Well at least there weren't any....

I was cooking dinner on Friday when I got a very panicked call my my soon to be son-in-law. My daughter had been at work on her feet all day long, and had gone to the restroom to find that she was bleeding. She had been to the emergency room the day before for the same reason, but the doctors told her that everything looked ok, and she even got to see the baby's heartbeat on a sonogram. The diagnoses was a "threatened miscarriage" - which means one could happen, but so far had not. She was told to do no heavy lifting and sent on her way. So my girl is at work still, bleeding again, and her boss would not let her leave. So I tell the fiance to meet me at my house, and I would be home soon with my daughter. I walk into the store - the manager is standing in my daughters line, waiting to make a purchase and leave the store. I told her to find someone else to work that night, as I was taking my daughter home. Needless to say - it was not a pretty exchange of words - but if you screw with my kid - you deal with me. After we got home, I talked with her about the entire situation, and we came to the conclusion that it was best if she just quit her job. So she did. At least now she will be able to get medical care. It's not going to be easy for them, but if they really pinch their pennies, they should be able to get by with a bit of help from family. Now we just hope and pray that this baby makes it. I never want her to feel that kind of pain, and she is so scared. Thankfully since she has gotten off her feet, the bleeding has stopped. I know that right now, we just have to be guarded, but some women do have some spotting in the first trimester, so hopefully that is all it is. Between both sets of us parents, his parents, and her grandparents, all of the big furniture items are already either bought, or planning to be purchased, so at least the big stuff is basically accounted for. I know that is a burden of her shoulders. So maybe what I really want to ask for at this point is that everyone just pray. Just pray.....

THIS DOESN'T MAKE ME HAPPY

Soooo, Halie is pregnant. AND because she quit college, she lost being on her Daddy's health insurance. Dumb move. Now, since she is not married, she cannot even be put on her fiance's insurance. She makes too much money for State insurance of course, and at this point in time has absolutely no way to afford the cost of any on her own - and even if she could - the pregnancy would now be a pre-existing condition. And so begins the fun. Health care isn't free, so what in the world is she going to do for pre-natal care? I have no ideas or answers for her either. The only thing I could manange to get out of my mouth at dinner last night was "I guess you guys should have thought about this beforehand." Then of course my answer was that her fiance had better become her husband with a better job that offers benefits really really fast. This of course leads to talk about a pretty wedding and blah blah blah - and all I could think about was "Wedding?? Try courthouse ceremony and no honeymoon!!" So you see, there are some things that I definately am not happy about. No planning, no common sense, and no motivation to do anything different. On the other hand, when she was on her Daddy's insurance, (Aetna) they do not pay for any form of birth control - which I find absolutely offensive. Granted, $30 bucks a month for pills is a hell of a lot cheaper than raising a child, but for whatever reason, they didn't see it that way I guess. Today is one of those days when I am wondering just how in the hell she thinks she is going to survive out there! All I can say at this point is that both of them better get motivated with a quickness to step it up. Resumes need to be written and better jobs need to be applied for. Not to mention a new place to live - they had a shooting in the neighborhood last week! GAWD!!!

THANKS AGAIN FACEBOOK!!

This giant slice of technology has again brought me great joy! Thanks to Facebook, I found my older brother again! All I had to do was type in his name and POOF! There he was! I actually found him about 13 years ago while he was living in London. I had hoped to be able to meet him face to face, but life takes it's toll, and it did not happen. We lost touch and life went on. Now he is living in Australia, and I hope that someday on a visit back to the States, I will get the chance to finally see him. We have exchaged a few emails, and I know I want more than anything to get to know him! I FINALLY got to see a photo of him, and it's amazing how much we look alike! We only share the same mother, but it feels like a piece of my puzzle is being completed. I hope that at some point I can facilitate some conversation between the two of them as well. She was a 16 year old girl from a strict catholic family when she had him. I don't think I really need to say any more. Though I would love to share photos and names and the like, I feel like I should not do that, to protect his privacy. I can say that it made my day to see that response in my inbox - from someone I love but have yet to meet. I found out that I also have a sister-in-law, and a beautiful little neice! Now how happy is that?!
So today I float around on the clouds, and I am up having my coffee, getting ready to go to work. I wish I could have taken the day off, as The Hospice House is having their memorial to those who passed this morning. They are letting balloons go into the sky..... so fitting. I have to go to work though, cuz as Daddy always said - "Money don't grow on trees ya know!"
Tomorrow I am hoping to be able to take the kids out to the pumpkin patch in Lindsborg. We have never been to this one, but it looks absolutely fun filled. They have a couple different corn mazes, and we can even get our lunch there. Mmmmm hot apple cider and cinnamon rolls!! Probably not so great if you are looking for some quick weight loss, but hey - it can just be a treat kind of day! They do have a coupon for a buck off each admission posted online, so it only costs $5 to get in. That is way cheaper for more activities than the other pumpkin patches around here. The only thing missing will be Halie - she has to work - but it just feels weird doing family things without her. On the flip side - next year I will be able to take my GRANDBABY to the pumpkin patch!!!

Have a great weekend ya'll!!