A PURPLE SHADE OF BLACK

2012-01-21T16:22:00.002-06:00

We live in a cold dark world with venom in it's fangs.
You can spit it in my face but I know I'll be ok
It's on the attack. It's a war, It's a game.
A ball and chain chew my arm off to get away
Don't fight, or it deny it, invite it cause when it ..

Feels like a kick in the teeth, I can take it.
Throw your stones and you won't see me break it.
Say what you want, take your shots.
You're setting me free with one more kick in the teeth
(Na na na na na)
Kick in the Teeth (na na na na na na)

I gotta say thanks cause you kick me when im down
I'm bleeding out the mouth.
I hope you know I'm stronger now.
I'm taking the hate, I'm turning it all around.
I wont go down 'til I'm six feet underground.
Dont fight, or it deny it, invite it, cause when it ...

Feels like a kick in the teeth, I can take it.
Throw your stones and you won't see me break it.

Say what you want, take your shots.
You're setting me free with one more kick in the teeth
(na na na na na )
Kick in the teeth (na na na na na)

What doesnt kill me only, will make me stronger in my head
In my head

Cause when it
Feels like a kick in the teeth, I can take it.
Throw your stones and you won't see me break it.
Say what you want, take your shots
You're setting me free with one more kick in the teeth
(na na na na na )
Kick in the teeth
(na na na na na)
Say what you want. Take your shots.
You're setting me free with one more kick in the. teeth
(na na na na na)
Kick in the teeth (na na na na na)
Kick in the teeth (na na na na na)
Kick in the teeth (na na na na na)

~Papa Roach~
Kick In The Teeth

BLAH BLAH BLUB

2011-10-23T10:34:00.002-05:00

oOo

Eeets a tree. A bokeh tree. Mmm hmmm.

A trip down memory lane. Brought desire for olden times. Si!
I miss the craazie people.
We used to have so much fun!!

Sunday Sucks.

WHY?

2011-09-07T05:15:00.001-05:00

Why do people have to be so unkind to one another? We only get one journey through this life, and I think it's too short to be so mean and hateful. I just don't understand it......

IT MUST BE MONDAY.....

2011-08-31T04:54:00.002-05:00

I have an asstastic zit right on the top of my nose. (Thank you for that new word Miss Nikki...) I thought this issue would have disappeared with menopause. I guess not. So now I get to go to work like this - looking like Rudolph. Yay....
It's going to be another 1100000 degree day outside. Looking forward to that too. I have been struggling with wanting to move from this house - I don't really want to face another winter with no heat. I wish I could just bottle up the crap that's happening outside and just release a gallon of it every couple of days when it's cold out. I have even thought about just buying one of those pentair heat pumps myself, and then taking it with us when we move. If we ever move. There is really nothing any better to rent in this town. An apartment I guess. But I love my neighbors, love my yard, and holy cow do I have a ton of junk to move when I do. Six years of life - not looking forward to packing that up......

Such random things that run through my head at 4 am.... missing my Dad. The butterflies are here, and it's almost been 2 years now since he's been gone. I wish I could tell him all this stuff - on the porch, watching the sun come up, with coffee. Like the good ol' days....

SUMMER.....

2011-08-30T05:04:00.002-05:00

This is a photo I took at the recent "Bullmania" event I attended this weekend....

This summer, I have taken my children to two rodeo events. The first one - well it was our first real one ever. Both were a lot of fun, very exciting, and I have never seen so much horse equipment in my life!! I would have to say the same about the poor broken cowboys. I don't believe I have ever seen that many beat up people all gathered in the same place before. While the show was mostly entertaining, there were a couple of times I found myself gripping the bottom of my chair in complete anxiety. The first time, one of the bullfighters got mangled and knocked out by a bull, and the second time, a cowboy got thrown off his bull, trampled by it, and knocked around some more. He lie there, perfectly still on the ground, for far too long. I honestly thought he was dead. That - was distressing to me, not entertaining.
On the ride home, I found myself wondering why these boys do this kind of thing. I guess it's mostly for the money, but I can't believe anyone would find risking your life for a few bucks to be a good thing. I mean, we all want money, but I don't want it bad enough to put my life in jeopardy. I'd still rather be poor - and just alive!

LIKE THE WIND....

2011-08-19T05:09:00.004-05:00

...... The summer is just gone......

The kids start back to school today. Grade 6 for the boy, grade 4 for the girl. My granddaughter is almost 3 months old. And a cutie for sure. Time just flies by doesn't it? The song "Remember When" by Alan Jackson, woke me up out of a dead sleep. (I keep the TV on at night because I can't stand the silence.) The lawn needs mowed and the house needs cleaned. The laundry is piled high and the cat needs a good brushing. So much to do, but all I want to do is play in the rain....

SUNDAY NEWS.....

2011-07-17T06:32:00.002-05:00

I just found out this morning that I am a brand new AUNTIE!! I have a new little Aussie Niece, who also shares the name Isabella. (Middle name that is...) So very cool!! Lots of girls arriving lately in this family! LOL! Time to start thinking about medical school graduation gift ideas. You know all of them will blow all of us out of the water! I fully expect to see some educations happening at M.I.T and Harvard in the not so distant future. Hopefully these colleges offer scholarships! LOL!
And.... the heat continues here in Kansas. Same ol' thing for at least the next week. I think the kids and I will be experimenting with some car cooking today. We'll see how fast we can bake some muffins in there. Gag. Bacon and eggs anyone?? Lemme grab the frying pan and put it on the sidewalk. This heat is just that rediculous!!
Back to work for me tomorrow, but I do love the job. I got to taste about 10 different kinds of new liquors the other night. And I got paid. INSANE!! (I just took a sip of each one - no DUI's for me!!)
The back to school shopping has begun again. I started with some school supplies, and next week we will be working on clothes. Luckily most of the summer stuff is on sale or clearance, and we will pick stuff up as we go along. The list for both kids this year includes flash drives and ear buds. Stupid. Let's just stick to crayons ok??
Anyhow, it's time for me to get some laundry on the line before it gets too nasty out there. Have a great Sunday ya'll!!

DID I MENTION THAT IT'S HOT HERE??

2011-07-16T16:25:00.000-05:00

Good god. It's hotter than I can ever remember it being in forever. Even hotter than the summer the Canadians came to town and had to seek shelter at the mall! The grass is brown and on the verge of total evaporation. I just pulled the towels off the line and they feel hotter than when I pull them straight from the dryer. Hot. Hot. Hot. And of course that's the forecast for the whole next week. No rain. Not a thing but more heat. I don't know how much longer I can take it. The pool is now a hot tub. The steel building out back could actually be used as an oven. If there were chiKeNs in it - they would be ready to eat - and boiled eggs to boot!!! GAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!

ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE DAYS....

2011-07-16T06:22:00.003-05:00

I thought that the weekends were supposed to be relaxing. Um no. Since no one can seem to pick up after themselves all week long - I get to deep clean the house today. This includes about 57 loads of laundry - all which must be hung out on the clothesline to dry - because my electric bill is ungodly. Thank you mother nature. At least the heat is free and will dry my clothes - but I refuse to put underwear outside. Far too much traffic by my house.
This evening I get to babysit my granddaughter - which will be fun. I have no idea what the lovely couple will be doing, but lets hope its shopping for Reeds diamond engagement rings. Or should I say - window shopping. Or better yet - looking for a new place to live. Or cleaning the place they already live in. By all means - please god don't let them get pregnant again!!

IT'S HOooooooooT IN TooPEeeekAA!!

2011-06-30T05:08:00.002-05:00

Ok, we can be done with this heat now. It's not just regular hot - it's steaming hot. My car said 118 when I left work yesterday. It went down to 111 by the time I got home. I'm guessing it was close to the right temp on the lower end, but holy cow it felt like I was standing inside a hot blowdryer!! I know as soon as I did get home, off went the work clothes and on went the shorts and tank top! Unfortunately, the heat is supposed to be this bad all the way through the weekend. Of course I get a 3 day weekend, and going to the lake is just out of the question. Too hot to be sleeping in a tent!! Or fishing. Or anything else really. I will stay home and run back and forth to the BBQ grill and call it good! We will probably only grab a handful of fireworks this year too. I only get paid every two weeks, and this week is not one of them. It's been so dry here though that I really don't think it's all that safe to be shooting them off anyways. I have to wonder how many house fires we will see when the season opens. That said, I hope everyone has a safe and happy July 4th!!

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY - I MISS YOU.

2011-06-19T07:14:00.002-05:00

I still can't believe you aren't really here. So much has happened since you have been gone. The new baby, the new job, the kids growing up. It just doesn't seem fair that you have to miss it all. I must have picked up the phone to call you a thousand times, only to realize it wouldn't do me any good. Judy called once, and your name came up on the call identify. Stopped my heart for a minute. Today I would have cooked your breakfast in bed, made a nice supper for all of us, and ended the day with a macanudo on the porch - just you and me, talking and watching the cars go by. I hear you in my head every day - I ask or complain or cry about something, and I can hear you - plain as day - with the answers. But it's not the same. People say that time makes things better, but it's not true. I guess you going away doesn't consume every minute of the days now, but every day - every single day - I wish you were here. I know that days like today are meant for celebrating the ones who are here, but for me, it's just another reminder that you are gone. More tears, more sadness, and a very heavy heart. I miss you so much Daddy.....

LET ME JUST BITCH A MINUTE....

2011-06-04T08:48:00.002-05:00

Bryan. The "Bio-Dad" and new "Grampa" if you can call him that - just pisses me off. He has made no effort to even CALL his daughter, much less go see his new Granddaughter, but has the balls to call her "His little cub" on Facebook. Hello loser. You suck.
He came into the liquor store on my last day (Yesterday) running his mouth about how crappy his other ex-wife treats him and blah blah blah, then tells me that the stupid slut he's been screwing for the last umpteen years is just so happy about being a gramma. Hello again. That woman - is not a gramma to this child. She's nothing but your slut. Always has been and always will be. And YOU, are not a very nice person. You need to grow up and stop blaming everyone else in your life for all of your problems. All I ever hear out of you is how everyone else is stupid and Ohhhh everyone in the whole wide world has fucked you over. Shut up. You - have brought every ounce of misery in your life - on yourself. As far as I am concerned, you should just stay the hell out of everyone's life and stick with the slut. Before you go running your mouth about everyone else - you need to take a good look in the mirror and look at all the misery and heartache you have caused everyone who has every been a part of your life. You have no right to call yourself a father, much less a grandfather. You make me sick....

Yep. I feel better now.

THIS = IS WORSE THAN CHRISTMAS!

2011-05-28T15:11:00.002-05:00

This is the view from my back yard. I want to live there. Sort of.

Since I can't write about my new grand baby and how beautiful and awesome she is because she just ISN'T HERE YET - I guess I have nothing better to do than dream about something else. I can't go camping either - the weather is too iffy. I don't drink really - so can't get drunk and forget about it. I could bake, but I probably don't need cakes and cookies lying around the house either. I want to go wander around the lot and look at some park model trailers. I could stick one right out there in the green grass and be happy forever. Well, as long as I could have my garden. I have already been out there working today too, and now it seems like the only thing left to do is just go take a dang nap. Halie is busy and hopefully walking (Or JOGGING) at this point. Ohhh but I forgot I do have one little thing to complain about at least.....

When she went to the hospital the other night for the big false alarm, the nurse started asking her all these questions. Like - "Are you financially stable?" Uhhhhh..... And "Are all of your bills paid in full for the month?" WTF???? Really? OH AND they told her the "They are testing both she and the baby for drugs, and if either of them came up dirty they would not let her take the baby home...." So. First of all - is anyone financially stable right now? And whose business is it if all her bills are paid? The drug thing I could understand if they had any suspicions - but hello?? It's like she's being accused with no proof! And it's mandatory! Of course she isn't on anything not even a damn tylenol so whatever - but come on already......

OPPORTUNITY KNOCKED.....

2011-05-22T06:37:00.002-05:00

The day before my birthday, I got a phone call that is going to change my life. In a matter of only a few hours, I had a telephone conversation, a job interview, and a job offer. Full time, Monday through Friday, NICE starting wage, and benefits. Oh and the job involves my graphic design degree. Yeah. So all that college education will be used. Finally.
Before my Daddy passed, he was so appalled that I had spent so much time in school, only to graduate with two degrees and take a job as a clerk in a liquor store. I wish he were here now, so I could tease him. Had I not worked where I am, I would not have this opportunity now. I truly believe that though we may not see it in the moment, all things happen for a reason. I had to be where I was, to get to where I am going.....
I am so excited to get started at this new job. They are sending me for some classes, allowing and expecting me to make a few mistakes, and giving me my own "office" so to speak. I think it's more like my own department really, as eventually I will be responsible for it. Eeeee!! I will be in charge of the graphics department baby!! Did I say yet how excited I am!? Oh yeah.... So the company I am working for is a family. My bosses will know I exist, I already know most of the folks I will be working with, and everyone is very cool. I do need to invest a few bucks in some dress style clothes, but now I actually have a reason to put make-up on, and maybe even look into some cellulite treatments!! (Slacks my friends.... slacks.)
Soooo, this is something I have been dreaming about for so many years. I am totally nervous, a little anxious, and most of all so thankful that these folks are willing to give me a chance. I have so much to be thankful for right now. And... still no baby! LOL! Oh but what a happy week it has truly been!!

THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY....

2011-05-18T06:24:00.002-05:00

Little bits and pieces of thoughts that live in my head.....

Men - are stupid. Most of them anyways. I should just be a lesbian....

My daughter - is going to have to learn the hard way I guess. She bought a "new" used vehicle. One that sucks gas and already has over a hundred thousand miles on it. She thought the tags and property taxes were included in the payment. Good luck with that. Hope you got a good emergency road service plan with it, and all I can say is it's a good thing your man is a mechanic. Jeebus.

If I have to hear one more meth-head smacking their lips and chewing on their own teeth - I think I might actually scream. It's so flipping gross and annoying. Also - take a dang shower already. No human should smell like that. ICK!

And STILL we have NO BABY. How long can this possibly take?

My cat - has lost his freaking mind. I think he's in love with my flip-flops. He waits till I take them off at the door, then sits on them and sniffs them. Gag.

I have two days off. Now what?

TIME IS FLYING BY....

2011-05-09T04:59:00.002-05:00

I can't believe it is already the second week in May!! This week has been so incredibly busy, that I haven't had much time to do anything else but work. If it hasn't been at my work work, it's been work around the house and in the garden. Then of course we are also still waiting on this baby!!
The kids only have about 2 1/2 weeks of school left, and I am so ready for that to be over. Kind of. Now it's rush time though, with all the field trips and fun days and such, and it sucks because I won't be able to attend much of it with them. Gotta work.
The garden is finally almost finished, with only a few things left to plant. I had finally gotten my zucchini in, but we have had a sudden heat wave, and they didn't like it very much. I am thinking I may have to resort to using seed. It's been in the 90's here already, and of course no rain to help things along either. It's hard to win - no rain, lots of heat and wind, or too much rain and lots of heat and wind, or just too cold and lots of wind. Ughh!! One way or the other, I will get me some garden veggies though! I actually do have 4 beautiful broccoli crowns that are doing marvelously!!
Halie is miserable and still waiting for this baby to arrive. She's been having some contractions that have been pretty painful, and even fairly close together, but they just don't seem to want to keep going. It doesn't look like there is a whole lot of room left for that little one to be living in, in there, but I suppose things will happen when they happen! It's just so hard to wait. While we are waiting however, it would be nice to be able to watch TV. You can't do that anymore unless you buy cable, and the kids can't afford it. I've been looking into the antennas for digital tv that you have to have now just to be able to get a few measly channels. She wasn't out on her own when the whole conversion to digital happened, so we never thought about it before. I couldn't afford Cable at her age either, but at least I could get public TV channels for free!
Mother's Day yesterday was pretty nice. The kids made me cards, and Halie came over for supper, as did my own Mommy. We had wanted to BBQ, but the wind was just too strong to try lighting the grill. No sense in burning down the house just to grill some ribs!
I hope everyone has a great week. I will be back at work, and waiting for my phone to ring telling me it's time to go!
Come on Izzy!! The world is waiting to meet you!!!

Happy Monday!

OSAMA WHO?

2011-05-02T06:34:00.003-05:00

Ummm ok. Let me get this straight.... Our military FINALLY went in and killed the guy who supposedly held responsibility for the 9-11 terror attacks. And a few other people. The U.S. says they HAD the body, took DNA samples and photos, then threw the body out into the ocean.

AND we are supposed to believe all this why? Because the President said so? Because all the news stations are reporting it?

People were killed because BUSH said ONE guy was wanted dead or alive? No trial. No proof that this guy was even guilty, other than his "organization" took credit for it. But HE HIMSELF was not HERE doing physical harm. So we killed him for saying he gave the orders....

With DNA - don't you have to have something to match it to? Did we have possession of his DNA prior to his death? Ohhhh they are matching his dead body DNA to that of his relatives.... Uh huh....

If Osama Bin Laden was guilty of what BUSH accuses, this should have been done years ago. Come on.

Doesn't anyone else find it more than just a little ironic that just when it seems the whole country is going to shit - something big happens to "UNITE" us all?? Good or bad, it seems to bring people together right? Look at all the people that spontaneously gathered to wave the flag and sing the national anthem. All over the country.

WOW - OIL PRICES JUST FELL..... no really - they did - look it up....

Even if anyone reads here - I'm sure it will be just another case of the crazy chic and her conspiracy theories. Yep - don't mind me folks - after all - I'm a little off right? I don't care, I think this is all a little too weird, a little too "right on time", and why in the hell should I believe any of it?

Question Everything.

Just my two cents....

Oh yeah - since the big bad guy is dead now - bring home our troops.

That is all.

JUST GRRRRR......

2011-04-29T06:41:00.002-05:00

I always knew that at some point I would have to deal with "in-laws" in some manner or another. I really never had a bad time with my own, as I loved my first husbands' mother, and my second husbands' mom lived two States away. But oh my gawd. My daughters' fiance and his family. Hello. This boy better shape up and get things together. And his family needs to quit. I sit here typing, dark circles under eyes and only one cup of coffee down the gullet. My stomach is in knots, and I have been trying my best to bite my tongue, but it's about to get ugly....
My family has purchased almost EVERYTHING that this baby needs. Right down to the diapers and wipes. WE have had to scrimp and save and work to do it. Her FATHER was successful in getting her back on his insurance, so almost the ENTIRE medical bill for this whole thing is being paid for by HIM. What has this boy bought for his own daughter? A diaper bag, a few outfits, and uh.... well not a whole hell of a lot more. He's not actively looking for a real job, not getting anywhere in getting her out of that gawd awful apartment, and yet - they always seem to be going out to eat. Last weekend he had her out 4 WHEELING in a truck. Wow. So flippin smart. Take a girl who is 9 months pregnant out to go muddin. Jesus - why not put her on roller skates ya dumbass!! Supposedly they don't even have the money to mail out the damn Thank You cards from the baby shower. So guess who gets to pay for that?? Oh me.
Then we find out that her brother and sister won't even be allowed at the hospital to have a short visit after the baby is born. How retarded. I mean I halfway get it, but then again if the kids are well behaved and quiet and healthy.... ya know? Grrr....
I guess at this point the wallets on my side of the family have to close up shop. They are never going to learn to be responsible any other way. Besides, his family can pitch in just as well. So far I haven't seen anything of substance come from them - a walker which is completely useless for at least 6 months - wooo. Oh wait - his mother bought a crib frame - no mattress - to keep at her house. Inflippintelligent.

/RANT OVER/

For now......

STILL WAITING ON THE BABY!!

2011-04-28T06:42:00.002-05:00

This is my dear Halie and her belly photo at 36 weeks. Today she has a doctor appointment where they will check her out to see if she has dilated. She and her fiance will also get to tour the hospital facilities and see the environment in which she will be giving birth. I am so excited!! It has been decided that of all the kabillion people that want to visit with her while she is in labor, when it comes down to the actual birth, only her fiance and myself will be allowed to stay in the room. I am so happy she is allowing me the ability to take part in this miracle....
Every single piece of baby furniture has been purchased, they have enough diapers and wipes to last at least a couple of months, and we even have a stock of formula, just in case the breast feeding doesn't go as planned. And the clothes - oh my gosh the clothes!! This kid will not need new clothes for a while to say the least! The only thing left to really purchase is a back pack for daddy to carry the baby around in when they go places. We have looked at this ergo baby carrier, and it seems to fit the bill. It's not all girly like the sling, and I think it would take a while for the baby to outgrow as well. Other than this, all the essentials are ready and waiting!! (I totally have a highchair stashed in my garage.....) Of course that kind of stuff won't be needed for a little while!
I am really amazed at the fact that so many people have gathered around my girl to show their support. It just shows how much she is loved, how much this baby is loved, and that she truly does have a village to help her on her journey down motherhood lane. At any time, if she needs any help, there will always be someone for her to go to. I think it mostly comes down to someone to talk to, no matter what time of day or night. I know I will always be there. I just can't wait to start this chapter of my own life!! A gramma!! It's soooo on it's way!!!

I FEEL OLD....

2011-04-23T06:10:00.002-05:00

And a little worn out at this point. For the last three days, I have been spring cleaning. I have come to a stopping point in the house, as I need room in the garage. The garage is full up, so there needs to be a run to the burn pile. I hate it when this happens. The garage has to be sorted through before a burn run can be made, which brings up all kinds of icky for me.

Daddy's stuff is still in there.

I have not had the courage to go through all of it yet. There are massive amounts of his old paperwork, general knicky knacky things, and old medical equipment. I don't know what to do with most of it. My brother hasn't come to claim any of it either, but I think it's just been too hard to deal with for him too. I suppose it is an "out of sight out of mind" kind of thing.....

So anyhow, the house is now smoke free once again, and it really does smell nicer. I have noticed how hard it is to get the odors out though. All the clothes in my closet will have to be washed again. I bought some special laundry soap that says it is for getting out smoke, but of course it really doesn't work all that well. I can still smell it. I guess I will just keep washing until it's gone. You know - I have lived my entire life in a smoke filled environment, so I could never really notice it. What I did notice was when I would go to other peoples' homes, and they smelled really good. I want that....

Today is another long day of work for me. First it's work work at my work, then more work when I get home. I have my back garden all put in, a much smaller one this year, and today I have to work on the front section. I worked until the sun was gone last night, and I will probably do the same tonight. Only this evening I have to add the coloring of the Easter eggs to the list. Another one of the holiday traditions that get very difficult to handle without Daddy here. It has really lost it's sparkle for me, and I am doing the best I can to keep it alive for my kids. It affects them too though. Just keep swimming......

SPRING CLEANING...... AGAIN

2011-04-20T06:48:00.002-05:00

And here comes yet another round of the whole quit smoking thing. Of course I relapsed completely, started smoking in the house again, and now it's got to stop again too. Halie let me know in no uncertain terms that she would not be bringing the baby over if I continued to smoke in the house. (I am so proud of her for that...) I don't blame her one bit. I know it's gross. I know it stinks, and I know it's unhealthy. So once again, everything will be moved outside, the walls and curtains will be washed, and I may even try to obtain some paint as well. Recently, my brother bought an electronic cig, and he seems to be doing pretty good. I have heard about them, but I had my doubts as I have been a smoker since I was 15 years old. It might be worth a try after all. I don't really know. We aren't allowed to smoke at work anymore, which has actually been a blessing. My boss even quit completely, and that is just awesome. So here I am again, right back at the starting line, wondering if I will EVER be able to let this go from my life. GAH!!

WAITING.....

2011-04-15T07:10:00.002-05:00

I swear these last few weeks are gonna kill me. We have had the baby shower, I've been over to the house to play with all the baby things.... Now gimmee the baby!! My logical side says of course I have to wait because she's not done cookin' yet. My heart says this is going to be the longest few weeks of my life!! Yesterday, her father and I both went with her to the doctor appointment, and her daddy got to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. He cried a little. It's funny how something so tiny can turn a grown man into mush. Then again, it is the most beautiful sound in the world...... So now we wait.

Nuhhh Uhhh...

2011-04-10T21:12:00.002-05:00

I read a lot of weird stuff. Weird. Stuff. But earlier this week I was reading up on nutritional stuff, and I found out that there are certain foods that increase testosterone. Ummm ok. So no more steak and eggs for me. Now I know why my eyebrows keep growing back so fast!! Being diabetic, the high protein foods are good for me to eat, as long as I keep track of the cholesterol. Apparently it can produce all that as well. Scary.

I also read that someone has started making BACON scented perfume!! WHY????? Ok - now that is just weird and a little gross. I had heard of the bacon bandaids and even the bacon lip-gloss.... but ewwww.

A friend at work introduced me to something called "Real or Fake" - which I still don't understand. On his cell phone, he showed me a short video of a "date gone wrong" so to speak. The dude blew this girls head right off with a shot gun. My co-worker asked me if I thought it was real or fake, to which I replied that it had to be fake. Right???
AGAIN - WHY????

SHAME ON ALL OF THEM

2011-04-07T06:01:00.003-05:00

Another early morning of news watching. Seems our Congress can't get it together and agree on a budget, so there is something like 40 hours until the government shuts down all-together. I say - shame on all of them. The news says they worked into the night.... waaaa. They should have stayed up all night long and into today and not slept until something got accomplished. Seems to me that there is far more than just budget balancing being argued about anyhow. The President should have been sitting in the session the entire night as well - no sleep for any of them until the job is done. You know none of them will lose any paychecks if this shutdown happens, and even if they did, it wouldn't affect them anyways. Yet we have soldiers who won't be paid. Really? If my job told me I wouldn't be getting a paycheck - I'd stop working. Screw that - if I were one of those soldiers - I would demand to go home or be paid. Yeah - I know it doesn't work that way blah blah blah. But you know a lot of them probably feel that way. I mean -let's face it - most folks don't join the military out of some noble love of country. They do it to provide income for their families. They do it to establish a career. So tell me how these jokers in Congress think it would be ok not to pay them? How is any of this ok?

AND - since I am in the questioning and ranting mood - why the hell IS the price of gas so high??

AND WHY can't we model our healthcare system after that of Canada's?? WHY NOT?

Gah.

WHAT'S UP WITH THAT??

2011-04-05T06:25:00.002-05:00

So I was watching the news this morning. Bad idea I guess. I hear that the President wants to raise ONE BILLION dollars for his campaign for re-election. WHA?? Good lord! When we are talking about cutting money out of our schools and everything else - how can this really be justified?? And it's not like it's just our President doing it. The republicans will do it too. You know what I would like to see? A candidate who can raise that much money, spend it all on something worthwhile, and get all the free press they need to win the election. Wouldn't that be great? Yeah - never gonna happen.

Why are we still in Iraq? Really?

What in the world is really going on with all this radiation?? I have heard it is all the way to Colorado. What does this mean? Why has it taken so long to get this under control? One would think when building something like a nuclear power plant, all these things would have been considered in the planning. How does this make any sense?

Since we are cutting so much money from our education budgets - why not make some of these schools more "green" so to speak. Why not use solar energy to heat and cool and light up the place? Yes I know it would be an investment at first, but wouldn't it pay off in the long run? Why not have the schools that have the room teach the kids how to garden? Maybe get the kids involved this spring in the planning and planting, set up a volunteer crew for caring for it in the summer, and when they come back in the fall, there could be a bountiful harvest. It would teach kids the obvious gardening skills, home ec skills, science, math, social studies and even a little bit of art could be incorporated. Not to mention the health benefits of exercise and healthy eating habits. Why not?

If the government shuts down, do all the politicians still get paid?

COMPLAINTS OF THE DAY.....

2011-04-01T08:30:00.002-05:00

First of all - I hate my cell phone. It's confusing number one, I don't "get" the whole texting thing, and I hate that I am now expected to answer my phone no matter where I am or what I am doing. Blah. Texting to me just seems pointless and stupid. Why spend all that time trying to type out a dang message when it would be much easier to actually CALL and SPEAK to the person you need to?? Really? Day four of having a cell phone brought a 7:30 am text from my boss asking me to work on my day off. I couldn't believe it. So I texted my "Sorry already have plans..." statement right back. I don't get paid to be on call. Actually I am not on call, so stop it. I mean I do feel the need to be able to communicate with the outside world - but not on a constant basis. Yak.

I have serious issues with another group of people as well. It's those parents who allow their young children unsupervised access to the internet and cell phones. At the moment I have my eleven year old boy coming home from school to tell me how much he has learned about boobies and vaginas from another kid at school. His mother (A TEACHER WHO SHOULD KNOW BETTER) apparently lets him go online in his room with no parental blocks or supervision whatsoever. This boy tells my boy that he now has an online boyfriend. Yes BOYfriend. At age 11. WHAT THE???? Two other boys that are so obsessed with looking up the words porn, fucking, and boobs - have also shared their extensive sexual knowledge with my innocent little son. (Ok so not totally innocent - but at least he knows the proper words for the female anatomy...) Granted - some curiosity at this age is normal - but who are these people that expose their children to this kind of shit this young? Or at all? I didn't know what porn was until I was in high school!! Why do these kids know this word?? I also think that it is completely retarded to give a flippin 6 year old a cell phone. FOR WHAT would a 6 year old need a damn cell phone?? To call home and let mommy know they just pissed their pants at the playdough table??? Good God. Technology can be great - really it can - but I think people better start thinking twice before just handing it over without limits to the little children......

I HATE THIS THING....

2011-03-29T07:16:00.002-05:00

I hate my new laptop. I also hate Windows 7. I was quite comfortable with my Windows XP, my antiquated computer, and my dull life that contained no texting. Now, I have upgraded my entire life in one day. I hate that I feel so technologically retarded that I have to ask my 11 year old how to answer my phone.....

As some may know, I went out of town to visit relatives for 3 days, and when I came back, I found that my home had gotten a little shock of lightning, and all my communication things were broken. No phone, no internet, and worst of all, my computer was fried. The best fat burners in the world could not save me from the ice cream binge I had to go on for the days that I was out of the loop. What else was there to do? I couldn't talk on the phone, couldn't get online, couldn't communicate with anyone in any way. I wanted to call my mommy and tell her all about the crazy things that happened on our trip. Nope. Couldn't talk to Mar either. At least work couldn't call and ask me to come in LOL!!

Today I have to call the insurance company and see if my renters' insurance will even cover this. I am sure I have a deductible, but to replace my desktop will not be cheap. I payed a pretty penny for my old one when it was new, so I dunno. I just hope they will do something, and I hope that things will settle down around here now. I can not take any more stress. Or ice cream.....

VERY COOL AT SCHOOL!!

2011-03-23T07:28:00.005-05:00

My children have been coming home with the belly laughs from school lately! These photos are the result of all the children in school reaching a reading goal - with the prize being the principal spending the ENTIRE day on the roof!! LOL! It was a little chilly - and a LOT windy that day too. I am sure the view from the school playground was a lot more interesting at recess, that's for sure! Both my kids came home giggling and talking about how the principal used Skype to talk to them in the classroom that day. How fun is that!!

Riley, my youngest, had us all in tears at the dinner table as well. Tears of complete sobbing laughter however, as she relayed the story of her teacher making peanut butter sandwiches. The teacher told the kids to give her instructions on how to make the sandwiches, and then she followed those instructions.... These are 3rd graders. Their instructions - well you know!! Rye told us how the teacher used her hands to dip into the PB&J - how it was all over the table and floor and the poor teacher - all while laughing so hard I thought she might pee her pants! I wish my teachers would have done funny stuff like that!!
It really has been such a great year, and stuff like this just shows how lucky we are to have such awesome educators. They don't have to be fun, or funny, or really care like they do. But they do.

WE DON'T WANT THIS!!!

2011-03-04T05:57:00.002-06:00

This mornings' news paper has me up in a tizzy. Apparently, some un-named leaders of our Kansas Legislature have been in Washington asking congress to fund the building of a new bio-lab here. They want to put it right next to one of our biggest colleges. It would replace that old one in New York and cost around $650 MILLION bucks. Hello. Why on earth would we want this here in Kansas?? It's not like it's really going to bring permanent jobs. Maybe for some builders, for a short time, but the folks who run a place like that will probably come from the old one right? So I don't see the benefits. All I see are the dangers. I mean - it's not like they are going to be Storing Chocolate Covered Strawberries in there!!! This place will be the home to more diseases and contagious things than you can shake a stick at! Things that if they were accidentally released - well what better place than the middle of the country to end up infecting everyone else!! Geez Kansas - wake up!! We don't want this here!! I find it a bit disturbing that the names of the people pushing for this were not included in the newspaper article. I want to talk to them - or at them, and let them know that this is NOT a good idea in my opinion. Day after day I just keep getting more and more reasons to actually move out of this State! Would YOU want to live in close proximity to a lab that stores smallpox and other biological dangers?

Yeah No.

IN A FEW MORE WEEKS....

2011-03-03T06:32:00.002-06:00

I will be a gramma. A GRAMMA!! Up to this point it's really been more like a hazy kind of dream for me, as it's not my body that is being affected - just my brain. But yesterday, Halie showed me a video that they took of her belly. Yes - her belly - with all kinds of kicking and moving going on. They had put the remote control to the television on her tummy, and Baby Izzy kept kicking it really hard! You can see the whole remote just about falling off her stomach! Of course at this point, now I can feel the baby kicking from my side of the world too. SOOO cool! I've really only known what it was like to be on the other side of this miracle - so I am entranced. And a little emotional as well. The tears are coming too easily these days, and it's always when I am thinking about this baby. Such joy she will bring, but sadness comes in knowing that my Daddy will not be here to see her. I know Halie is sad about that too....
On the other side of things, we have been doing everything we can to prepare for the baby coming home. I am now a regular purchaser of diapers, which is kind of weird, and I have even wondered about buying some cigars samplers so this childs' father can have some to give away upon her arrival. We have been gathering lots of clothes of all sizes, new from the clearance racks and used as well. No matter what store I am in, or why I went there in the first place - my body tends to gravitate towards the baby isle now. Especially the clearance racks. My newest mission is to hopefully find this child a super cute outfit to come home in. Like a fru-fru frilly-bottomed pink little dress complete with a head bow kind of thing. Probably not the most comfortable - but way cute for photos!! At least the photo thing is something that the kids will never have to pay for - as I - THE GRAMMA - will be taking all the pictures. I don't know that another baby will ever be so photographed as this one! So the excitement is started to build, and I can't stop thinking about the future. Gramma. Me. Yay!!

GIVE IT BACK!!

2011-02-26T06:01:00.003-06:00

I want to be seventeen again! Ok, so maybe without the larger than life hair, and I could also do without all the troubles that were going on as well - but the me - I want her back! I have read about a billion articles, looked at a trillion weight loss plans, and I am making some headway - it's just too darn slow. It leave me asking myself, "what is the best diet pill on the market for me?" I can't have a bunch of caffeine because of my kidneys, and I don't want to risk my health to be pretty. Then there is the whole diabetic thing - so I have to be even more careful about what I take. It sure would be nice if they would come up with something for someone like me. It's not like I expect to look exactly the same as I did when I was 17, but something close to it would be nice. Unless I win the lottery and can afford a ton of plastic surgery - then it's on!

JUST WOW....

2011-02-25T08:46:00.002-06:00

Toooo much going on in this world. Too much. Does it scare anyone else? Or am I all alone in my paranoia again? It feels like something is one it's way, bad or good I just can't tell. I hate watching the news, but I can't stop doing it. It just keeps getting worse and worse. Insaner people than I are running the world - and that is scary. It's pretty bad when work is an escape. At this point - I am willing to read a 499 page book on acne scar removal, just to keep my eyeballs from seeing all the crap going on these days. I hate it. I feel helpless. Hopeless. Powerless. A little bit broken. What can I do? The same four words are running through my head all day long, and the same answer just keeps popping in after it. Nothing......

LIFE IS FUNNY

2011-02-24T04:32:00.002-06:00

Sometimes I just don't know whether to laugh or cry. I guess everyone must feel that way once in a while too. Lately, so much has been going on that even if I could write about it all, I wouldn't know where to start. It's like one minute - life is so boring. It's all just a comfortable routine, the most I have to worry about is an acne treatment for my giant new chin issue. Nothing really of note to speak of ya know? And then...........
Dear lord - we have a puker. It's 4:30 in the morning, and Rye just interrupted my peaceful blogging with vomit. Apparently the pepperoni sandwich for supper last night just didn't agree with her. Great. So I'm back again from cleaning up that mess. See what I mean. Life is boring - then POOF!! Not so boring anymore.... I didn't say that good and fun things were what always interrupted the boring things....
So now where was I? Well the sounds of the thunder are amazing right now. I wonder if it's snowing out there too. I'm not brave enough to open the door. Anyhow, I seem to be at this big crossroad in my life. I just don't know what to do about it. Do I jump? Keep swimming? Life at this point is most definitely NOT boring. There is so much that needs to be done that I don't have the time to do it all. I'm tired, and I just need a way to sort it all out.....

KANSAS LIQUOR LAWS

2011-02-23T05:57:00.002-06:00

To say that I am a little more than stressed out is an understatement. Kansas is trying to change the laws regarding the sale of liquor and beer. Right now, you can only buy 3.2 beer in grocery and convenience stores, and you have to go to the liquor store to buy the good stuff. If the new law passes, you could go to Walmart or the grocery store and pick up your bottle of Jack Daniels right along with your milk. They claim this will create jobs and such. I don't think so. I think - my job will disappear and my place of employment will close. As if the economy isn't already having an impact on small business - now this. I think their claims of more jobs and better opportunity for consumers is about as goofy as the claims that hgh human growth hormone can make you taller. Since everyone in the liquor business has to pay the same price for the booze before it goes to customers, I don't see how they say it will lessen the price if Walmart gets to sell it. Maybe those big stores will save you a quarter off your liquor - woo. In the meantime, 10 people at my store will no longer have a job. How is this a good thing?

SOMETHING HAPPENED

2011-02-22T08:26:00.004-06:00

Yesterday at work - something happened. (Besides that one guy stealing two bottles of whiskey...) I was standing at the register helping a customer, when in walks an old boyfriend. My very first "real" boyfriend to be exact. I hadn't seen him since I was 16 years old, but he still had that crooked amazing smile on his face. He only stayed for a minute, just enough time to say "Hi and how the heck have you been" but it was so awesome to see him again.... And then I realized that I had absolutely NO makeup on. My chin has the biggest zit in the world on it. (Ran out of Acneticin.) My hair was all over the place, with every gray little sob sticking out the top, and my boobs haven't seen anything but the floor in years. I got so nervous that I dropped the customers' change on the floor. I must have looked like the worlds biggest idiot at that point. Dear lord....

GETTING CLOSER!!

2011-02-20T09:01:00.000-06:00

We only have about 13 weeks left until the baby gets here!!!! I am getting more and more excited every single day!! I went out and bought the little bathtub the other day, along with some bath products and the little q-tips and such. I think all we need now to bathe the baby are towels and washcloths, though I suppose no special ones are really needed if you think about it. The crib and car seat and stroller and such have all been purchased, and my girl is taking the best best prenatal vitamins money can buy. I am so proud of her - she is taking the most wonderful care of herself and our little granddaughter! I hope her labor and delivery will be easy on her, though she has opted for a natural birth without drugs. I am proud of her for that too, but if she changes her mind - I would totally understand!! Right now the kids are looking for a new place to live, suitable to bring a baby home to. That is not an easy task when you are renting in this town. He has a job interview as well coming up, and Halie should not have to work for a while if he gets it. THAT makes me incredibly happy, because then she can actually stay home and raise her baby. Not everyone is lucky enough to get to do that. So all in all, things are looking up, and getting very exciting. I actually got to feel the baby move the other day, and it almost brought me to tears. I just can't wait to hold my little grand baby in my arms!!!

IF IT COULD GO WRONG.....

2011-02-14T06:19:00.004-06:00

It did.
The last week and a half has been a total hell-storm. First - I got the flu. Full blown fever havin' flu with all the fixins. I haven't had a fever in YEARS! Then of course Rye followed suit, then Shane Michael as usual - he got the worst of it. Both kids missed a week of school, and I missed a week and a half of work. Not good on the household budget. Thankfully for the kids, at least one day of school missed turned out to be a snow day for them, because of the 19 inches of snow and -20 degree temperatures outside. That -20. Yeah that caused my water pipes to freeze up. It was only in the kitchen, but still a pain nonetheless. I tried everything I could to thaw them myself, but gave up and ended up calling the landlord. Of course he sent fat-drunk guy over, and he said I would need my kitchen faucet replaced. But he couldn't do it that day because there is no way to turn off the water in the house. He would have to go outside and dig in the snow to turn it off, and he just couldn't do that. So now I have water, but it falls out underneath the sink into a bucket. He told me to just keep emptying it out until spring. Ok then.
So after all that - I tried to use the phone on Friday - no go. Phones were down, internet was down. I went out to the box to test it - nothing. Then it worked. Then it didn't. I finally got a call in to the phone company and they said that the weather had caused a power outage that then caused a big mess with the lines. So yay. It took them all day, but it finally did get fixed. Obviously. At that point I also had to try and go back to work - so I did. I ended up dropping my purse and all it's contents on the cement outside - which resulted in my purse camera getting busted into a thousand pieces. Yesterday I replaced it with one of the newer canon digital cameras - which turned out to be ok because my old one was a Kodak, and I am a Canon kind of girl anyhow. BUT - if anything else gets broken this week - I am going to pull all of my hair out!!!

On the upside - I finally made it out to do the shopping. I bought Halie a bathtub for the baby. It's the cutest one I have ever ever seen, and way better than anything I ever had for my babies!! I also picked up some baby lotion and baby bath and all the supplies needed for bathing. Even the funny shaped q-tips for the belly button cord! I am so excited!! Even on bad days, there is always something good to keep the spirit elevated!!

I'TS A FLU STORM!!!

2011-02-08T15:00:00.002-06:00

Ugggggggggggg! I have been down in bed since last Thursday night, and now we get a blizzard. They canceled school 2 hours early today, but my kids were already home - with the flu too - so oh well. I think I will be ok, as Halie went to the grocery store for me yesterday, and I already have the medicines - I think there is enough. The only thing I might need is milk, but I don't think anyone here wants any at this point. I haven't been this sick in years. I can't stand it!!
I had to roll up an old bath towel to stick in the back door to keep the stupid snow out, and I pray my water pipes don't freeze up in this sub-zero weather. Gahhhhhhhh.
I'm hungry. But there's no one here who has the strength to cook. *sniffle*

WHATTA WEEK.....

2011-01-31T05:04:00.004-06:00

I'm not looking for a repeat of it any time soon either. Gah. Between dealing with the head lice with the kids, and the apartment issues with Halie - I am fried.
Then there is the "him" thing. What I want to know is - why bother trying to put something back together if you know you are just going to muck it all up? Seriously. Stop wasting my time and please stop acting like I am stupid. I've played all the games, been played, and I really don't have the time or the energy to keep re-living this crap over and over again.
I feel like I am just stuck. Things can never go back to the way they were, for obvious reasons, and as long as the lies keep rolling out - they can never move forward either. I'm so tired of playing nice, when I all want to do is kick him in the not-nice-place. I have a life to live, with or without him in it, and it really makes me angry when I realize how much energy I have wasted on this "relationship". You just can't have your cake and eat it too. Why do men not realize this? Derrrrr......
It's 5 in the morning, and I am ready for a beer, a karaoke bar, and the microphone - so I can scream it at the top of my lungs - via my new favorite song - "Turn On The Radio" by Reba. Listen to it buddy - cuz it's all yours.....

WE'LL KEEP YOUR APP ON FILE

2011-01-20T05:43:00.002-06:00

Soooo apparently knowing how to use crayons isn't a job skill. I didn't get the job. Or even an interview. I got a message that they had filled the position with someone who had more of the "skill set" they were looking for. I don't know how hard it would be to answer the phone and count money - totally part of my skill set - but ok. Maybe next time right? So I guess life made the decision for me - I'm stuck at the liquor store for the rest of my natural life. At least I got the raise - but I won't even know how much of a raise until Friday. I am going to keep looking around, but I admit I am feeling a lot discouraged. College was a complete waste of time and money I think. Everyone I know around here with a good job - never stepped foot into college. So what gives? Now I can't find a real job and owe thousands upon thousands of dollars for student loans. But hey - I'm a member of Phi Theta Kappa and had a 3.6 GPA. Worthless....

NOW WHAT DO I DO???

2011-01-18T06:07:00.002-06:00

Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrgh!! My boss came back to work on Monday. She was not very happy that I had put in my notice to quit. At all. Not angry with me, but sad with me. I felt bad too. I explained that it wasn't the people I work with that made me decide to quit. Not at all. It is the principle - that I should not make less than people who have been there less time than I have. That, however, is solely on the owner - not my boss. That said - my boss called the owner yesterday. I have no clue what she said to her, but that she asked her about me getting a raise, and I guess explained the dilemma. At the end of it, my boss told me she tried, but couldn't guarantee anything would change - something I already knew from past history.
Now, my boss, is my first ex-husbands' latest ex-wife. I know. Many people who find that out are just flabbergasted by it. They don't understand why we get along, much less work together. I don't understand what they don't understand really. I divorced and remarried before she married the ex, so the fact that we are friends isn't that weird is it? Anyway, we work really well together, and that part I love. I like a lot about this job, but some of the customers really really really chew on every last one of my nerves. I have a couple years now here - looks really good on a resume, and if I can ever afford to buy a house - that looks good too. So.
Last night I get a phone call from my boss saying that SHE got a phone call from the owner. The owner doesn't want me to quit, and said my raise will be on my very next pay check. How much of a raise I have no idea. I guess I will find out on Friday. So now I don't know what to do. Stay? Go? I haven't heard from the company I applied with yet, but I have called them once for a follow up, and plan to call them again today. If they ask me in for an interview, I still want to go. I just feel like if I do quit and get a different job, that I will be letting my boss down - not just work but personally too. She gave me a chance without even thinking I could really even do the job. I had gone so many years without one, and my health was pretty iffy too. You don't get a whole lot of people in your life like that. So I am torn. What do I do?

THE ONLY THING.....

2011-01-14T16:48:00.001-06:00

....... going through my mind right now..... "Can't be trusted." Don't trust them. They will only screw you in the end anyhow. Don't be so stupid as to think that people actually give two shits about you - wake up and smell reality dumbass .....

Gah.

WELL - I DID IT NOW.....

2011-01-13T15:47:00.004-06:00

Just got home from work. I put in my notice. One week and one day of notice that I quit. I have had it - done - toast - I can't take it anymore. I know this is not such a great thing to do before I have another job, but I am so sick and tired of being treated like a second class citizen. I have always done a good job, don't steal, don't do things I am not supposed to be doing at work, always get my work done, work on what should have been my days off (including today) and for what? All so people who have been there less time than I have can get raises and make more than me? I guess I just decided today that I am worth so much more than this. Even if I were to go to a fast food place flipping burgers I would make more than what I am here. Two and a half years with one 30 cent raise just aint gonna cut it anymore. Not to mention all the weekends with my kids I have given up. Gah. I honestly think I could make more money selling diet pills from home than I do at this job. Just makes me sick. But, ya know - it served its purpose I guess. It got me back out there in the real world job market, and now I am more than ready to move on. I put my resume out there on Monster, and I will continue putting in applications for jobs until I find a different one. Even if it's scrubbing toilets.....

ATTEMPTING TO DO BETTER

2011-01-13T08:10:00.002-06:00

Yesterday I applied for two different jobs. One was easy enough - I just sent my resume via email as requested by the employer. The other I had to dress up a bit and actually go to. I got the job lead from an individual, and it's not something the company has listed in the want ads. I am really hoping to get my foot in the door, and at least get an interview. It would be full time, Monday thru Friday - NO WEEKENDS!! Wow - actually getting to do things with my children would be GREAT!! And it's a receptionist position that would NOT require me to deal with drunks all day long.
I went to the back of my closet yesterday looking for my one pair of black slacks - and of course they were gone. I pulled out the one skirt I own - and it was about 3 sizes too big. I mean - I am glad about that - but I ended up having to wear a dark pair of jeans. Soo if I do end up getting an interview, I will have to at least go out and purchase a new pair of slacks. Or beg my mommy to take my skirt in. Hopefully I can find a decent pair for less than $10. I have too much on my shopping list at this point, and only so many allotted dollars to spend. But - if I do get this job - I will have the ability to buy a LOT of diapers and wipes and prenatal vitamins and a playpen for Gramma's house and.... yeah, I really wish I could do more baby shopping! I suppose for now I should just concentrate on actually getting the job, instead of what I want to do after I get it. Cross yer fingers for me!!

I THINK PEOPLE ARE FED UP....

2011-01-11T06:33:00.002-06:00

I've been watching and listening to all the news about the shootings in Arizona a lot lately. Seems to be all that is on the news right now besides the massive amounts of snow falling everywhere. So anyways, the finger pointing is out of control as always, and I am really just sick of hearing about all of it. It's big governments fault, it's small governments fault, it's everyone's fault, it's sickening. Obviously this guy was mental. Period. But maybe he was fed up. Granted - I am fed up too, but I wouldn't go off doing what he did. I do think though that most people have had enough. All you ever hear is republicans slamming democrats and democrats slamming republicans, when truth be told, neither one of them have any idea what they are doing anymore. It's all just a big shit talking festival, and the common folk like me have absolutely no idea what the hell they are even trying to accomplish anymore. We hear about the millions and millions of dollars spent on campaigning for offices - but how much of that money could have been put into a school, or health insurance, or food or housing? Sam Brownbacks' 2.6 million dollar campaign budget could have paid for a full year of health insurance for more than 500 people. Instead it was spent on ink, paper, and media. Oh and fancy dinners right? Gas. He's not the worst of them though. These politicians make all these laws everyday that slowly take our rights away - and for what? I'm grown - if I don't want to wear my seat belt - it should be up to me. I know what the consequences are. It's like all of their time is spent finding different ways to police all human beings. I don't like it. They say it's for our own protection, but I don't think so. All I see are more dollars piling up for a bunch of already rich bastards. One thing I really don't understand is all the fighting over health care. We need it. They already take our money in taxes, why can't they spend it on something like that? What is the big stinkin deal? It works in other countries - why can't it work here? Why? As a lower middle class earner - the only thing I gained from the new law was FINALLY being able to put my 19 year old daughter back on my insurance. I still have to pay for it - so why is everyone all pissy about that? I guess my belief is that these politicians have confused the public so much - that no one even knows what is going on anymore. I know I don't.....

But I am sick of all of it.

HERE COMES THE ...... NOT SUN.....

2011-01-09T17:28:00.003-06:00

Ewwww. It's snowing. It feels a little Kanadian around here this evening..... There is a ginormous murder death kill alert for the cold that is coming - minus 15 American by Tuesday night. Yay. That means as soon as you go outside - your boogers will freeze. I feel like I should be shopping for Polaris Sportsman ATV Parts. Or at the very least - a snow shovel. I put salt brine all over my sidewalks yesterday, and it seems to be working - for now. I am actually most worried about the water pipes freezing up and bursting all over the place. Looks like it's going to be at least 3 nights in a row of no sleep for me. Instead, I will be awake and baking cakes and cookies and whatever else I can think of to try and keep the house warm. Doing laundry seems to help to, as the washer and dryer are in my kitchen. It keeps the water running, plus the heat from the dryer seems to protect the bathroom as well.

I had to laugh earlier while watching the reports on the weather channel. Apparently Mississippi doesn't usually get a lot of snow - and the city dude said "Well we put this stuff on the road - it's called salt - liquid salt...." LOL!! Yeah no kidding!!

MOVING ON

2011-01-09T04:20:00.002-06:00

What a week. So many good things going on, and yet the bad things always seem to find a way to overshadow all of it....
On Friday, my co-workers' dads' house burned down, and I think the news said he lost 8 or 9 cats and dogs in the fire. Very very sad. My heart goes out to the family, but I wish I could do something to help.
Speaking of work. I am so done. I really used to care about the job, used to have the desire to be the best little beer girl ever, used to really care about making the business succeed in whatever small way I could. I set them up on facebook, set up a website, really gave it my all as far as the store went. Now, I just don't care anymore. I found out on Friday that most everyone except the new people all got raises. But not me. The excuse was that I just got one about 6 months ago. I have been there for 2 and a half years and have only had one 30 cent raise. When minimum wage went up - she counted that as my raise back then - having already worked there for a year. Now my co-worker who has been there a year and a half less time that I, makes more than I do. I don't see that as being very fair. My co-worker totally deserved a raise - don't get me wrong, but being deprived of one myself makes me see how unappreciated and expendable I am to the owner. I have thought about calling her myself, but I don't see it doing any good. I can't just walk away either, because I can't do that to my boss. And I need the money. I'm not working this job just to pay my network cable bill - I need it for food and electricity and rent and all the things that everyone else goes to work to pay every month. I just feel like I do a great job at work, and I deserve to be compensated accordingly.
I have to wonder if the owner knows what kind of crap we all put up with on a daily basis either. Rude and nasty people who get all mad if we don't have what they want, or they think the price is too high. I get hit on constantly. I don't want to be. I count more change in a day that has come from god knows where - just so a stinky, filthy person can get their fix. I get coughed on, farted by, my hair pulled, and I have to listen to people who don't do anything but drink all day and all night every day of their lives - complain about everything. I get stuck there by myself all the time, worrying that the place will get robbed. Yeah. It's time for something else.....

EXCITING THINGS COMING!!

2011-01-02T17:16:00.002-06:00

I've been thinking about the baby all day.... there is so much to do before the big day gets here! On Thursday, we will hopefully get to find out what we are having as far as a girl or boy, but if this child is a girl, and she is anything like her mother - we won't know until the minute she is born! Halie never would let us have a look at her girly parts, so we just had to be surprised! Both my girls were like that. The boys on the other hand - they let us know as soon as the sono scan was on my belly that they were all boy!
Sooo then there is the baby shower to plan. And I have no clue if my son in law to be is any kind of religious. Should I be looking for christening gifts bracelets style or something more of the non-traditional kind of celebratory gift? We never did any of that with our kids, so I have no clue what to expect. No christenings or baptizing - you know I really don't know what religion all those things happen in, but it just wasn't how I was raised, so not something I did with my kids either. I actually went to so many different kinds of churches as a kid it was unreal. I went to a Mormon place, a LOT of Baptist churches, Nazarene churches, a Catholic one a few times, and the one I grew up in attending the most was called a Wesleyan church. All that experience and I really have no clue what any of them meant. Like what the core values were. I remember tea, coffee, and tobacco being big No-No's at the Mormon place. I dunno why though. And the Nazarene folks don't dance. I dunno why for that either. They did send me to church camp though and THAT was a blast. There was a lot of singing. And sermons. My mother grew up Catholic, but she didn't pass that along to us. I guess it wasn't all that great for her. Daddy was brought up in the Wesleyan church, and it was a lot of "Brothers" and "Sisters" and singing and guitars and pianos and organs and Bible School. Oh yeah and "Fellowship". Man that was some awesome food. I remember numerous jello salads all in one meal. In the basement of the Pastors' house. And getting my knees squeezed during "big church" if I acted up too much. So anyhow, I have no idea what the kids will choose to do. So I don't know about that kind of gift. Maybe I should just stick to diapers and wipes......

LOOKY WHAT I FOUND!!!

2010-12-30T08:06:00.003-06:00

Ok. SO my new years plans include a baby shower for Halie some time in April. She has a TON of family on both sides, so this is going to take a little bit of planning. I have been checking things out, trying to figure out exactly what we are going to do, and where. I found these baby shower thank you cards, which also have matching address labels and birth announcements to go with them - toooo cute!! That's a start. It's been so long since my own baby showers, that I am going to have to get suggestions on games. The only one I can really remember was using toilet paper to guestimate the "roundness of the belly". Then there is the cake, the little minty-peanut mix - which thankfully I can make myself, and party favors. I hope to give her a great shower, but I am really not sure where to have it. My house is entirely tooo small, and I think there will be at least 30 to 40 people there. I wonder if it would be too tacky to have it at the Pizza Hut? LOL! On the other hand though - free pizza always brings in a crowd right?

NO RESOLUTIONS

2010-12-29T18:10:00.003-06:00

I have decided to resolve not to resolve to do anything new this year. I do it every year, only to go back on it all later. Soooo, this coming new years I am just going to do things backwards, and maybe it will take me forwards?? ;P
I paid off all my payday advance loans, canceled my membership to the YMCA, and bought another pack of smokes. That should get the ball rolling! I did refill my diabetic meds, but threw out the blood pressure pills, because really - they give me a horrific headache. I might go back to the doctor at some point for something different, but right now I just think it will have to wait. Oh and I chewed off all my fingernails. Gross.
Last year I swore I wouldn't watch the news anymore, but I can't help it so today I watched CNN for a solid hour. I'm ready for a drink. A big drink.

So.

That is that.

IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE!!!!!!!!!!

2010-12-24T05:51:00.004-06:00

Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyy I am so excited!! The kids are excited! I have pies to make and a turkey to prepare and I think this Christmas is going to be full of HAPPY!!!!! I can not wait to be finished with work today, and get to come home and get started! And Santa - if you are reading this - I would like a trip to North Carolina please! I have some people to hug! (And some North Carolina health insurance to pay for the heart attacks and general feelings of giddyness and..... ) And when I am done there I need tickets to Florida. More hugs, more heart attacks, and lots of love!!

I hope everyone out there has a beautiful holiday, a Merry Christmas, and a very very Happy New Year!! It sure is full of good things to come, and I can hardly wait! It has been a rough year all the way around, and I am so ready for a new beginning. Even if it is just on a calendar, there is nothing like a fresh start. I have my first Grandbaby on the way, and the beginning of a whole new chapter in my life. Complete with the new title - "Grandma"!! Now what can top that!? I wish everyone Peace and Love in their lives, and a fantabulous Holiday Weekend!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

OFF TO WORK......

2010-12-23T06:59:00.002-06:00

I am not looking forward to these next two days at work. Not at all. It's going to be insane, and busy beyond belief, and I have too much stuff to do at home yet. I can't believe tomorrow is Christmas Eve either!! Someone stop time please! Just for a minute or two. I still have to bake sugar cookies for our traditional family cookie decorating, still have to get some pie baking done.... I need little kitchen elves!! LOL! Work just gets in the way. Geesh! And it's supposed to start icing and snowing this afternoon too, which could make driving a whole lot harder. I hate driving on ice. And I hate it being this cold. But it is what it is I guess. Too many good things going on to worry about it all that much. I want a pair of marine binoculars. Random. I do though. It would be cool. So next year, for Christmas, I will have a high chair at my table with a little pudgy baby stuffed in it. I can't wait!! It's been so long since we have had a baby in this house, and Rye has never even held a real baby before. She's very excited about it too! I never thought I would be a gramma while still being a mommy to little ones. I always thought I would be old and wrinkly first! Overall, I am so happy. It's odd to feel so happy while still having little gripes here and there. I almost just don't know what to do with myself! The kids are out of school for the next couple of weeks, which means no fighting in the mornings for a while, no getting up cuz I have to so early, and lots of quality time after work! Which I should go get ready for..... yuck!!

CHRISTMAS SMELLS

2010-12-22T07:25:00.004-06:00

I don't know if many folks bake much anymore, but if you do make your own cinnamon rolls - you have to try these!!! They were seriously the best batch I ever made in my entire life, and all because of a few cups of vanilla pudding!! You just add it to your dough. Simple! Mmmmm! I have been baking and baking, trying to get everyone their goodies before Christmas. The house is warm, and it smells like the holidays for sure! I have the day off work today, so after house cleaning I think I might try a batch of peanut brittle. I have never ever made a batch that actually worked right, but I figure after a couple of years I should hit the jackpot eventually!
The one thing I miss about Christmas this year, besides the obvious - the smell of a real tree. This little fake one just isn't cuttin' it. I mean it looks pretty and all, but there's no bark! I'm ready to go snag the neighbors cypress tree and stick little branches of it all into this fake thing! LOL! I don't think my parents ever had a fake tree until us kids were older. The smell is just something you can't replicate. Oh to be a kid again. When things were so much simpler.....

UM WHA?

2010-12-17T17:30:00.002-06:00

My 11 year old son was tasked with writing a letter to a kindergarten student at his school, as if HE were Santa Clause, answering her letter. She wrote to Santa, and asked for the following items: an iPod, a psp, an X-box 360, and a cell phone. REALLY?? A 6 year old really expects Santa Clause to bring her all this stuff? What I want to know - is where do her parents work? Would they really even consider this? And WHY would a 6 year old want a CELL PHONE?? I don't get it! What happened to a good old fashioned baby doll or tea set? GAH!! So my poor son is like "What am I supposed to tell her?" If I were that child's mother, I would hope to shout that "Santa" would say noooooo way - but then I guess some parents would be totally fine with it. Good gravy!

JUST WHY REALLY??

2010-12-16T13:56:00.002-06:00

I just found out that PPHead has to work on Christmas. He won't be here until after 9 O'clock in the morning on Christmas morning. So that means he has to go to work at midnight on Christmas Eve, and I will have to make the kids wait to see what Santa brought until then. WHAT a bummer. Then of course he has to turn around and go BACK to work at midnight on Christmas night. Really? Can a company this big NOT afford to close for ONE stinkin day? He had to go to work on Thanksgiving night too, had to work on Black Friday and he will have to work on New Years Eve as well. Ok fine. But CHRISTMAS?? Why? Just Why? It's not like he's a policeman or firefighter - he makes SALT for crying out loud! Grr. He says he's thankful to just have a job. I get it. But it's Christmas.

Then he tells me, "I know, and I know the kids don't understand it, but just think about the guys clear across the world right now, fighting a war so we can even have a Christmas."

So. I think I won't complain. At least he gets to be here with his children. Man.

OH I NEED ONE....

2010-12-13T17:35:00.003-06:00

I feel icky. Really really really icky. I woke up this morning with a horrible migraine headache, and it's been a fight all day long just to keep moving. I totally need one of these custom laptops for my bathroom, just so I can get some work done today. I did step out for a while to go to my out-of-the-house job, but ended up coming home early after all. I think I must have a bug of some kind, or my medicines might be messing with me. The blood pressure meds are the worst, but I haven't had this kind of trouble with them for a while. I think it might be time to ask for something without so many side effects. Yuck. Thankfully the children still seem to be healthy (knock on wood) so I dunno what's up with me. I suppose it is the season for the yucks to go around.... ewwww.

JUST A GOOD DAY

2010-12-10T15:49:00.003-06:00

I wish it were Saturday today, but other than that it's been an awesome day! Just when you think that most of the people in this world just don't care about each other anymore, something happens to make you think again.... It started for me at 5 in the morning! Then it just kept coming!
At work we keep a little change cup hidden away so that if someone is a dime or so short - we can help them out a bit. It's been happening a lot more than usual, and today our cup was empty. A lady came in and was 7 cents short - I couldn't help her. The lady behind her gave her the change. That NEVER happens. I know it's not a lot, but for the majority of my customers, it is.
Then I get home to find a gift card has come for Riley - for $25!! She won an art contest sponsored by her Daddy's job. I told her to hang on to it because after Christmas - all the toys would be on sale and she could probably pick up a few things she wanted. She said "MOM - I have to go Christmas shopping for Bubby and Halie!!" I love it!! She amazes me that kid!
Oh yeah - and - I lost an entire size in pants again. I am now down further than I have been since before getting prego with my first kid. Still just eating differently, and I have tried a sample of Lipofuze, and the carnation breakfast shakes. I like those best because I don't have a lot of time in the mornings, but I know I am getting all my vitamins in. And anything chocolate is always good too!
So today has just been awesome, and instead of whining, I just wanted to say that! I don't understand a lot of things in this life, but sometimes people are just amazing. In a good way!!

$70,000 WHA? REALLY?

2010-12-08T17:36:00.002-06:00

OMG. My landlord came by last week and let me know that an appraiser was coming over to the house. Landlord wants to buy more property, and is using my house as collateral. Ok. So the appraiser and my landlord came over, looked in EVERY room of my house, EVERY CLOSET, every nook and cranny. (Feeling a little raped like....) I'm a pretty good housekeeper so not too big a deal - but still. So afterward, the landlord offers to sell me the house if I want it. I have been here going on the 6th year now so I guess he figures I like it enough. He said he just wanted the fair value of it - not trying to rip anyone off - just wants to make a living ya know. They appraised it at $70,000. Because the homes all around me are worth $125,000 for the most part. Um. The central heat and air is broken. All of it. It needs a whole new bathroom/water heater. It needs a new roof and guttering. It needs a new kitchen. Did the guy seriously NOT SEE the bathroom floor caving in? Or the sides of the bathtub FALLING OFF??? DID he NOT SEE that the only thing heating my house was TWO SPACE HEATERS???? REALLY??? I am scared for the snow and rain to start up this winter - I am seriously going to need a pair of redfeather snowshoes just to trollop through my kitchen if the roof patch doesn't hold. And he wants to sell me the house for $70,000 as is. In this economy. I am no contractor, but I think the needed repairs for this place are going to cost at LEAST $40,000. Oh yeah - it also needs new plumbing. And geesh the list goes on. I'm really glad that he's not trying to rip me off though - totally restores my faith in humanity.....

FOURTEEN WEEKS

2010-11-30T18:56:00.002-06:00

So there she is! My preggo little girl with her 14 week little baby bump! Thursday we go to the doctor again, and I get the honor of taking her. I'm so freakin excited! Last night I scored some diaper wipes for just a couple bucks, and I have tucked them away safely in what I now call my "baby drawer" in my dresser. All the little treasures I have picked up so far are in there, and I figure on throwing her the baby shower sometime in April, so I will give it all to her then! I have got clothes and toys and formula just to name a few, so I am thinking I will make her up a super cute gift basket out of it all. I have used almost my entire ball of yarn on the blanket now, and I guess I will have to get some more to finish it. Granted, if it's not a girl, I will just have to start a new one! LOL! MAN I can't wait till Christmas!!!

SCREW BLACK FRIDAY!!

2010-11-27T06:56:00.002-06:00

I went at four in the morning. Oh. My. Gawd. I forgot to eat breakfast, and I had to stop and get coffee. I should have gotten some of that protein powder whey drink stuff that weight lifters use before a workout. It was horrendous here! I was able to get a set of towels for Halie. That was about the extent of it. People were so rude and nasty, I don't think I will ever go out in that again. Lines were three hours long, and man, the people - I just can't believe how many fights there were! To see grown folks fighting over TV's and video games..... There is so much I don't understand about this world.
Do you have a Christmas tree up yet? I don't. I haven't sent cards yet either. I guess compared to a lot of people, I am late. I want to take my kids to a place where they can cut down their own little tree. Just a small one. I don't have decorations for a ginormous one, and the ceiling is too low for one that big anyhow. I had a fake tree, but I let Halie use it this year, or she wouldn't have had a tree at all. My first Christmas out on my own - I had gotten a used fake tree, but when I got it out of the box, it was only the bottom half! LOL! So I had a Christmas BUSH!! I didn't have any lights or decorations except for some tiny little red bows. That was funny! It's kind of been a running joke since then - me and my Christmas bush......

NOoooooooooooo!!

2010-11-22T04:48:00.002-06:00

While I was watching the AMA's last night, I saw a very disturbing commercial. It was for the new show "Skating With The Stars." Vince Neal. My Motley Crew lead singer is going to be on this show. It just isn't right. First he had all this plastic surgery junk, and now THIS? Really Vince? How does a dude go from an awesome rock and roller, to rolling around on ice? Now I don't think I will ever be able to listen to any of their music and feel the same. Now I am half expecting him to show up at the bar to sing karaoke songs with the rest of the Wednesday night drunks! GAH!!
So Pink is gonna be a momma - they announced that too - and that is cool. I love her latest song. The rest of the show this year was kind of boring and depressing really. Seems like too many of the performances were slow songs. Oh well. I guess there's always next year.....

NOT SO MONDAYISH NOW

2010-11-19T06:15:00.002-06:00

Well, the roof got patched in the nick of time, just before the rain and snow hit really hard. My refrigerator works, and the electrical issues are fixed too. Well at least that one. When I showed the repair drunk the bathroom floor (Fixed the last time in Feb. last year....) He said I would just have to hold on till the spring. Of course. Hopefully my toilet doesn't fall into the ground before then.
Now to tackle the Christmas issues. Ugh. My son wants a wii, my daughter wants a Nintendo DSI, and I can't afford either of them. They still believe in Santa Clause, and last year they asked for the same things, and were very disappointed that Santa didn't come through. AND IF I were able to spend that kind of money on gifts, it would be on a full drum set for the boy, and a years worth of piano lessons for the girl. I don't want them glued to video games any more than they already are. We replaced the PS2 last year, got the Guitar Hero, and now the new GH is only for PS3 or the Wii or the XBox. Grrrr..... That is a good game if I were to buy any of them. At least they are being musical when they play that one. Plus - I love those drums. LOL!
I just really hate that Christmas has to have presents. As an adult - I am good with simply spending time with family and friends. The kids - well they don't get it yet, and I do want the magic to stay with them for a while. They will have gifts under the tree, just not the ones they expect Santa to bring.....

IS IT GOING TO BE MONDAY FOREVER??

2010-11-17T06:10:00.002-06:00

So yesterday, the school nurse calls. My son can't see anything. Not blind, just needs glasses. He did have some, but broke them the day he got them. The eye doctor had said he could wear them if he wanted, but it was really not a big change if he didn't. Well now that's not an option. We dug out the old glasses, and had them repaired. Ok done. Now we have a new appointment next week for an eye exam.
Let's see, today is Wednesday, and the roof/ceiling still have not been repaired. The landlord finally answered his phone, but said he's just been too busy. Well - it's going to rain today. So I guess if he doesn't make it out here before the rain starts, I am going to have even more troubles. To top THAT off, my refrigerator quit working AGAIN last night. I can't win, and I feel like vomiting. I pay out the ass for rent here, and yet nothing works. There is nothing I can do about it, nothing nothing nothing!! I can't move because I don't have the money. Even if I did - where would I move to? There are nothing but crappy houses here, or the rent is so outrageous that it would take my entire months income just to pay the rent. If I complain to the city, I will end up homeless so WTF?? It is just one of those days where I have to ask myself why me? Really - what have I ever done to deserve all this crap in my life? Why can't I get a break? I know it just sounds pitiful. So gawd Beck - just pick yourself up and be thankful you have a roof (Holes and all) over your head. Right? Ok.

ANOTHER MONDAY AGAIN

2010-11-15T06:27:00.003-06:00

So. This is what I woke up to on Friday morning. My ceiling was dripping a steady stream of water from the light fixture. Both light bulbs were full of water, and turned on of course. I turned off the lights, then waited for a while to remove the bulbs, put my towels down on the floor, and stuck a bowl under the drip. Then I called the landlord. Duh. I should have known. He said there was nothing he could do about it until Monday. One because it was still raining, and two - he doesn't work on Saturday or Sunday. Jeez. So I am hoping someone get's over here today to fix this. I was told that having this light fixture all wet could possibly burn my house down. Great. Speaking from experience though, I know he will send his big fat son over, who might repair the roof, but will leave my ceiling looking like crap. (It's just cosmetic right?) As it is, that a-hole needs a little something to reduce belly fat before he even attempts to climb the ladder - I don't see how it would hold him!! Not to mention the whole get up on the roof thing! You can see by the light fixture that this house has always had problems with a leak right there, and yet they never just fix it - they just patch it. So having a sloth on my roof - I dunno. I think it may just fall in. I do know that an insurance adjuster had come out a few years ago after a big storm, so I know the landlord got paid the money it would have taken to replace the roof. I think he's just wanting it to burn down. What a lovely day......

SWEET RELIEF!!

2010-11-11T12:32:00.003-06:00

We still have a baby!! Yesterday I went with Halie to her Dr. Appointment, and we heard the babies' heartbeat for the very first time!! (Or I did should I say!) We both cried. Joyous tears! The doctor said her bleeding was probably just from implantation, and everything is ok! I am so happy and I can not wait to share life with this little person! Being a granny is going to be so much fun! I already have a high chair in the garage, thanks to my Mommy, and a couple of really cute Halloween outfits for next year. I've also started stocking up on formula (Just in case...) and will soon begin couponing for diapers and wipes! These kids are going to need all the help they can get! Now if we could get them out of their current apartment, and find them some cheap auto insurance, things would get that much easier for them. We got good news from the college yesterday too, and they agreed to waive the charges from last semester, so that is an even bigger relief! Now to try and take care of this huge hospital bill they accumulated with the lapse of health insurance. This one is not going to be easy. So all in all, things are looking up, and life is going to get much busier, and oh so much more full of fun!!

NOT NOT NOT

2010-11-04T06:21:00.002-05:00

My son is turning 11 tomorrow. I am feeling my age. Yesterday I covered up all my gramma hairs, and it just looks kind of funny. I think this was my natural hair color back in the day. Or at least pretty close. It sure does take a lot to cover up that much gray hair!
My oldest is always on my heart. I had so much fun with her on Halloween, and I miss just talking with her all the time. It's funny how we used to dream of her wedding, the gown, the bridesmaid dresses, the flowers.... now we are dreaming of the day we get to meet the baby. At her next exam, they should be able to hear a heartbeat with the doppler. I want to go soooo bad, but I don't want to be the buttinski mom and just go without being invited. Although I am sure at some point I will be. I have been hoarding the diaper coupons, and looking for deals whenever I go shopping. I even have a can of formula already. Just in case. :) My goal for Christmas is to save up enough to get her/him a digital camera for their gift. Just a small one, but they will need one for all those photos of the baby! Of course Gramma will be taking tons too, but you know - it's always nice to have one for every little thing they do!
The fires from yesterday are still burning a little bit. Hot spots they call them. It makes me worry because they are so close to the kids' school. And my childhood home. I hope the winds die down today....
So I'm going to enjoy another day off work, and see what else I can get accomplished around here. I have to go back to the store and pick up a bag of groceries they forgot to put in my cart - so annoying.....

A DAY OFF IS NOT....

2010-11-03T13:43:00.003-05:00

Today is supposed to be my day off. I don't know why I would even call it that. I have so far done 12 or 57 loads of laundry, the pile of dishes from last nights supper, and cleaned and dusted and scrubbed and blah blah blah. Ramen noodles for lunch. Oh yay. Now I am taking a break and dyeing my hair. Myself. At home. Let's just say the bathroom needs to be scrubbed again. I don't care what it says on the box - there is no such thing as no-drip liquids. I still have to clean the kids' bedrooms, but I am waiting for them to get home first. If they can dirty it up, they can help clean it up too. After this hair dye thing, I have got to shower and go get the kids from school, go to the grocery store, come home, cook dinner, clean that mess up, make one kid practice drums, the other kid start memorizing her part for the school play, and then hopefully be able to relax at 8 for my TV show. I love "Criminal Minds" - I wish I would have been able to have a job like that. I have loved a good mystery since I was like 9 years old. Solving them has always been a lot of fun too. Fun. What's that like anymore? Oh and. I tried to balance my checkbook. It's not agreeing with me..... Sheesh.

CHRISTMAS CASH

2010-10-29T06:16:00.002-05:00

I am hoping that a LOT of people are thinking about great gift ideas for Christmas by now. Of course I am hoping that a LOT of people will also consider giving artwork prints as those gifts as well. I have a ton of my art - photographs and such - out there for sale, and now is the biggest season for selling it. If you care to, you can check out my portfolio blog and see tons of work, plus a few links to get you on the path to purchasing my work. Or just drop by my RedBubble and check it out! I think I even have a few artist proofs of my linoleum prints stashed around here somewhere. I have had a case of the "been meaning too" do so much with all my artwork, but I just haven't found the time. Heck - I haven't pulled out the big camera in a while now. This weekend is going to be insane, with Halloween and work, and blah blah blah. I was supposed to be off Saturday, but now I have to go in. Such is life I guess.

I hope everyone has a safe and Happy Halloween!!

FOUND ITEMS

2010-10-28T05:25:00.004-05:00

My boss at work found one of these in the cash drawer the other day. It's a $5 silver certificate. We tried and tried to figure out if it was worth more than just $5, but we came up with every answer from just $5 all the way to outrageous amounts. We find some odd things where we work on occasion, but this has been the neatest. Why anyone would give it up to buy a bottle of booze is beyond me. I wish they would bring in some silver bars next time, as I would gladly trade them for their beloved whiskey! We have had all kinds of unusual coins in the past as well - some of which were pretty old. Even if they weren't worth anything more than face value, they sure are neat to look at. Another co-worker found a red dotted $2 bill on the same night as the Silver $5 bill. Funny she missed the latter. I get excited about foreign money, so it's all really neat to me. What can I say? I am easily amused.....

WHAT TO DO WHAT TO DO?

2010-10-27T06:54:00.002-05:00

I just found out yesterday that my student loans are now due. I don't make enough cash to pay that high of payments. They want almost $400 bucks a month - for the rest of my life I think. I don't know if they have noticed, but there aren't any jobs out there. Certainly nothing in my degree area. For my town, if you don't work in a health care career, or something requiring more education than what I have - you are doomed to do what I do - minimum wage bull hockey. I have used up all my deferment time, and am now looking at default. They say they can only help me further if I make less than $573 a month. ??? Wha? Even if I went out and got another job - I still wouldn't be able to come up with the cash. Because I would have to pay a daycare to watch my kids, and the myriad of other things that would then be affected. You just can't win....

WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?

2010-10-26T08:27:00.000-05:00

Do you ever look at something in your life, and ask yourself - "when did this happen?"
I was pouring my second cup of coffee at 5 am, and just started wondering - when the hell did I start drinking coffee every day? When did it go from a nice treat, to a daily necessity? When did I start waking up at 4 in the morning and staying up? Where did all this gray hair come from, and when did I start buying wrinkle cream? It's all a bunch of habits now, but I can't remember ever NOT doing these things! Well almost - the coffee habit started shortly after I brought my second child home from the hospital. All those sleepless nights..... and when did these kids get so BIG by the way??

ANOTHER MONDAY

2010-10-25T16:39:00.002-05:00

Went to work. Seems as though the liquor store down the street is finally going under. I heard the owner got a DUI this weekend, and the doors were all closed up on Saturday. Needless to say, our business is picking up - quickly! Now if only I could get a raise....

Someone asked me if I was pregnant today. Time to check into nutrisystem I guess. Usually no one asks me questions like that. My pants still fit. Lord.

Tomorrow night will be busy. Shane Michael is volunteering at a dinner honoring community volunteers. I think it's great to let the kids do some community service work. Rye has cheerleading, which she now hates, and I have a full day of work too. I don't know how some of these hard working Mom's out there do it! Much respect though - it is difficult for me to keep up with just the little I do, I can't even imagine trying to work a full time job and deal with 3 kids and ALL of their activities too. *Whew*

DEAR SANTA....

2010-10-24T07:55:00.002-05:00

All I want for Christmas is....
World Peace.

Oh who am I kidding?!
I really want a diamond tennis bracelet. So I can SELL it and buy a Playstation 3 with Guitar Hero Warriors of Rock complete game kit!! LOL! I think they cost about the same. I thought it would be a nice gift for my son, (The Playstation 3) until I saw the price. I miss playing the drums. The ones I broke on accident. Trying to be cool. Now this new Guitar Hero is only being made for the PS3 - which we don't have. Whyyyyyy? (Insert Huge Whine)

Who has that kind of money to spend on one Christmas gift? Jeesh! So - I am guessing that none of the above will be under the tree this year. But a girl can wish right?!

ONE OF THOSE DAYS

2010-10-21T03:18:00.002-05:00

Oh. My. Gawd.

It's 3 am and I am still wide awake. Gee golly go diet pills!! My mind is going ninety to nothing, gotta do this and this and that and please shut up already!! Thank God I have the day off tomorrow. I do have things to do, so it's not like I can just sleep all day. I have to get the house cleaned - it's a complete disaster - again. Laundry. Gag. Go pay the bills that I am already late on - oops - sorry cable - but you are always last on my list....
I can't find one of the stupid Netflix movies I had. Now I can't remember if I mailed it back or what the deal is. Don't you hate it when little stupid things like this keep you awake at night? Even if I actually could close my eyes and get to sleep, at this point I would get maybe 2 hours before I would just have to get up again and get the kids ready for school.
Sometimes - I really hate my brain.....

CORN COB PART DUEX

2010-10-17T08:23:00.003-05:00

Actually, not so much. What is it in my own heart and my own brain that makes me feel like I should apologize for things that I haven't even done? I hate more than anything, walking around not knowing what in the world I said or did that caused issues with people. I hate questioning myself everyday. At what point did things go from that to this? So even though I complain about certain family members complaining about me, at least they just came out and said what they were thinking - real or imagined. This is why I spent so many years away from people. It's easier to not care. I think that it's another reason I stay at my job. I only have to deal with people on a surface level. I don't have to care, and for the most part - I really don't. It makes me sad, but I don't think there is anything I can do or say to change it. I wish it were so easy to just walk away and say "Oh well - who cares." Problem is - I do.

On another interesting note, I had the circumstance to find the absolute best diet pills on the planet. Well, not so much in pill form - but a "shake" kind of thing. I didn't have time to eat breakfast on Friday morning, and I had to go to work, so I stopped in at the convenience store next door to look for something breakfast like to drink. I was hoping for a Carnation Instant Breakfast shake - you know - the ones in cans? No luck, so I found this thing called Muscle Milk. I read the bottle and it said it was a chocolate protein shake - so close enough right? Uhhhh. I am not sure what those things are for, but I have been paying for it for almost 3 days now. It says something about promoting something good - but that is soooooo not what it promoted for me!! LOL! I will say - my pants are looser today. Gawd! On the upside - I totally was not hungry for - well - the rest of the day!!

CORN COB MUCH??

2010-10-16T16:20:00.002-05:00

I have heard it said before that we fight the most with the ones we love. I can see the point, but I am actually getting sick of it. There is so much going on within the family dynamic that I don't know who to bitch about first. Let's just say my main complaint is only related to me by marital situation. Yeah. That sounds good. I am sure that I would be better off to quit typing, and just go and read a dozen acne product reviews, but I am to bewildered and angry to do so. This person has lost his or her flipping mind. At one point in time, this person had the gall to say I couldn't be around the other family members because I was too unstable, and no one knew what I was going to do next. They made it sound like I was so off kilter that I may at any moment become an ax murderer. Now this person has got their panties all in a bunch because of something she said happened, that didn't, and is accusing me of things I didn't do. Kooookooooo! I have no idea where she/he came up with this, but I think it's time to get off some of those drugs my dear!! She and or he has also made the statement that my "diabetic condition" is fake. Um. Dear god how I wish that were true, though I have no idea what the point would be. Yeah - cuz I like to poke myself and stuff, just for fun - cuz I am nutso like that. It's not the first time that this person has given me grief, though it is going to be the last. I've had enough.

ONE YEAR

2010-10-13T07:30:00.000-05:00

I miss you Daddy.

IF TODAY WAS YOUR LAST DAY

2010-10-12T06:01:00.002-05:00

One year ago today, was Daddys' last day on this earth. The LAST day of his life. No more. Poof. Gone. Done. Over. The last day. I wonder what he thought about. I wonder if he saw the great white light that everyone talks about. I wonder if some great gate opened up and all of our long passed family members were really there to greet him and take him "home."

I wonder what I would do if I knew that today was my very last day.

What would you do? If you knew it too?

I can't imagine how frightened I would be. I would want to grab up all of my family and hold them in my arms so closely, tell them all how very much I loved them - more than any words could ever describe. Nothing else would even matter one single bit. Nothing.

So why does everything else seem to matter so much while we are living?

What if when we go - we just go - and there is nowhere after life? What if all the white light and angel stories are just our own brains, creating what it wants to believe? I know that awareness is the only thing that separates us from animals, but what if that awareness simply goes out, and we just cease to be anything after death?

Last year during Daddy's stay in hospice, I kept seeing butterflies and I was thinking that it was a sign from God. I really thought it was so unusual to be seeing them at this time of the year. I thought in my heart it was a symbol of the transformation that was surely unfolding before my eyes. I guess in reality I had just never paid that much attention, because here we are in the same season, and the butterflies are everywhere....

What if God and the Bible are just really great stories, all made up by men to try and keep the peace on earth so to speak. What if it isn't? Science explains away religion, religion is just so mysterious with no clear answers. The same texts that say it is an abomination to murder, tell us to go out and murder those who don't believe the same. Doesn't make much sense to me. The universe seems too big to simply have produced one single life-bearing planet as well. If science says that we rose up from the stuff in the water..... well how many more earths could exist out there? Would all of those humanish beings be aware as well? Would they know a God? Death?

What if all things are, then simply are not?
Everything.
Everywhere.

........................................................

STRING ME UP DOTTY

2010-10-10T16:55:00.002-05:00

Lately it seems this blog must be decorated with a big ol' string of multi color led christmas lights with a big flashing sign that says "HEY!! Anonymous strangers! Please come here and leave nasty comments about my love and support or lack thereof of my children!!" Hmmm. Yeah last time I checked, I'm pretty sure it didn't have all that, but oh-kay then....

So maybe I should just open it all up for everyone to tell me what to do. What would YOU do? How would you feel? Would you feel strictly one way? Torn? What? The situation - my 19 year old daughter has left home, quit college, and gotten pregnant. She has no health insurance, had - but no longer has a crappy job (More about that one in a minute....) and is living with her fiance who makes $12 bucks an hour - which everyone knows is not enough to support a family on. She applied for help from the state and was very bluntly told to quit her job or they could not help her.

My feelings. I love my child. I am happy about being a gramma. I will support my daughter and her fiance in any way in which I am capable. If need be, I will buy furniture, diapers, clothes - whatever. My girl knows that if she is hungry, I will feed her. If she needs to talk, I will listen. If she needs ANYTHING at all - I will do everything in my power to help her.
I would RATHER she stayed at home and finished college.
I would RATHER she gotten a good job, then got married.
I would RATHER she had gotten married and had the means to support a child before getting pregnant.
In other words - I would RATHER she had not followed in my footsteps.
SEE???

Do I love her any less because she did things the way she chose to do them? NO!
Will I turn my back on her because I don't necessarily agree with her choices? NO!
Now, do I have the means to pay for her health care bills? No I don't. I have looked into everything out there. There are no options. Well at least there weren't any....

I was cooking dinner on Friday when I got a very panicked call my my soon to be son-in-law. My daughter had been at work on her feet all day long, and had gone to the restroom to find that she was bleeding. She had been to the emergency room the day before for the same reason, but the doctors told her that everything looked ok, and she even got to see the baby's heartbeat on a sonogram. The diagnoses was a "threatened miscarriage" - which means one could happen, but so far had not. She was told to do no heavy lifting and sent on her way. So my girl is at work still, bleeding again, and her boss would not let her leave. So I tell the fiance to meet me at my house, and I would be home soon with my daughter. I walk into the store - the manager is standing in my daughters line, waiting to make a purchase and leave the store. I told her to find someone else to work that night, as I was taking my daughter home. Needless to say - it was not a pretty exchange of words - but if you screw with my kid - you deal with me. After we got home, I talked with her about the entire situation, and we came to the conclusion that it was best if she just quit her job. So she did. At least now she will be able to get medical care. It's not going to be easy for them, but if they really pinch their pennies, they should be able to get by with a bit of help from family. Now we just hope and pray that this baby makes it. I never want her to feel that kind of pain, and she is so scared. Thankfully since she has gotten off her feet, the bleeding has stopped. I know that right now, we just have to be guarded, but some women do have some spotting in the first trimester, so hopefully that is all it is. Between both sets of us parents, his parents, and her grandparents, all of the big furniture items are already either bought, or planning to be purchased, so at least the big stuff is basically accounted for. I know that is a burden of her shoulders. So maybe what I really want to ask for at this point is that everyone just pray. Just pray.....

THIS DOESN'T MAKE ME HAPPY

2010-10-05T07:00:00.004-05:00

Soooo, Halie is pregnant. AND because she quit college, she lost being on her Daddy's health insurance. Dumb move. Now, since she is not married, she cannot even be put on her fiance's insurance. She makes too much money for State insurance of course, and at this point in time has absolutely no way to afford the cost of any on her own - and even if she could - the pregnancy would now be a pre-existing condition. And so begins the fun. Health care isn't free, so what in the world is she going to do for pre-natal care? I have no ideas or answers for her either. The only thing I could manange to get out of my mouth at dinner last night was "I guess you guys should have thought about this beforehand." Then of course my answer was that her fiance had better become her husband with a better job that offers benefits really really fast. This of course leads to talk about a pretty wedding and blah blah blah - and all I could think about was "Wedding?? Try courthouse ceremony and no honeymoon!!" So you see, there are some things that I definately am not happy about. No planning, no common sense, and no motivation to do anything different. On the other hand, when she was on her Daddy's insurance, (Aetna) they do not pay for any form of birth control - which I find absolutely offensive. Granted, $30 bucks a month for pills is a hell of a lot cheaper than raising a child, but for whatever reason, they didn't see it that way I guess. Today is one of those days when I am wondering just how in the hell she thinks she is going to survive out there! All I can say at this point is that both of them better get motivated with a quickness to step it up. Resumes need to be written and better jobs need to be applied for. Not to mention a new place to live - they had a shooting in the neighborhood last week! GAWD!!!

THANKS AGAIN FACEBOOK!!

2010-10-02T05:36:00.002-05:00

This giant slice of technology has again brought me great joy! Thanks to Facebook, I found my older brother again! All I had to do was type in his name and POOF! There he was! I actually found him about 13 years ago while he was living in London. I had hoped to be able to meet him face to face, but life takes it's toll, and it did not happen. We lost touch and life went on. Now he is living in Australia, and I hope that someday on a visit back to the States, I will get the chance to finally see him. We have exchaged a few emails, and I know I want more than anything to get to know him! I FINALLY got to see a photo of him, and it's amazing how much we look alike! We only share the same mother, but it feels like a piece of my puzzle is being completed. I hope that at some point I can facilitate some conversation between the two of them as well. She was a 16 year old girl from a strict catholic family when she had him. I don't think I really need to say any more. Though I would love to share photos and names and the like, I feel like I should not do that, to protect his privacy. I can say that it made my day to see that response in my inbox - from someone I love but have yet to meet. I found out that I also have a sister-in-law, and a beautiful little neice! Now how happy is that?!
So today I float around on the clouds, and I am up having my coffee, getting ready to go to work. I wish I could have taken the day off, as The Hospice House is having their memorial to those who passed this morning. They are letting balloons go into the sky..... so fitting. I have to go to work though, cuz as Daddy always said - "Money don't grow on trees ya know!"
Tomorrow I am hoping to be able to take the kids out to the pumpkin patch in Lindsborg. We have never been to this one, but it looks absolutely fun filled. They have a couple different corn mazes, and we can even get our lunch there. Mmmmm hot apple cider and cinnamon rolls!! Probably not so great if you are looking for some quick weight loss, but hey - it can just be a treat kind of day! They do have a coupon for a buck off each admission posted online, so it only costs $5 to get in. That is way cheaper for more activities than the other pumpkin patches around here. The only thing missing will be Halie - she has to work - but it just feels weird doing family things without her. On the flip side - next year I will be able to take my GRANDBABY to the pumpkin patch!!!

Have a great weekend ya'll!!

SOME ANSWERS

2010-09-21T16:19:00.002-05:00

To Anonymous:
I'll admit I did feel like you were being judgemental. It is impossible to gauge the feelings or the tone of a typed out comment - you know? I am also the first to admit that at times I can be quite overly sensitive - it just comes with the territory I guess.

Now, about the mom thing... My mom had me at 19, and I had my daughter at 19. If my daughter has a child - I will be happy if it makes her happy. Though getting pregnant myself with her was an "accident" so to speak, I can't say she was a mistake. In fact, getting pregnant with her saved my life. I was on a path of self destruction, and I really didn't care about anyone or anything at that point in my life. I could have taken life or left it. The moment I found out that I was pregnant with her, my life changed forever. I could no longer be the selfish little girl I had been, it was time for me to grow up and realize that I did have a path that I was meant to travel - no matter how rocky it might be. Of course, I don't want my children to make the same mistakes that I have, and I feel like I have had a LOT of success in that area. She at least waited until she was 18 to... well yeah. She hasn't done drugs, or smoked or become an alcoholic.... you know what I mean? Then there are those mistakes she made, just like mine, that all I can do is sigh and wish she hadn't. Dropping out of high school, then dropping out of college. It's funny, because I feel like education is sometimes so wasted on the young.... But what do I do? I can't force her to go to school. Can't force her to take the pill. And believe me - I have talked to her and talked and talked to her, and she has lived through and seen all of the struggles, and still she must and will no matter what I say, make her own choices. I suppose that is why they say that being a parent is the absolute most difficult, most heartbreaking job in the world. Sometimes I just shake my head and wonder how in the hell she is ever going to get by out there. Sometimes I have a good cry. In my heart though - I know her path may look very similar to mine at the moment - but it is so very different. For one thing, she is going to be married to a man who actually loves her, and will stand beside her through whatever may happen. The engagement became official last week, ring and all, and the wedding is being planned for next October. Granted, I may need to start shopping around for some of the best hair loss products I can find before all is said and done, but it is what it is. If she gets pregnant before then, well, I am going to be happy with her. I am going to be happy to be a gramma. I am going to spend all the free time I have with my little grandbaby, and I will babysit, and help in any way I can. The only other option is to say "well - you made your bed - so now you can lie in it" and that's just not me. We are a family, and we will stick together. Mistakes, accidents, bad choices, bad times and all, the only way we can get by in this great big world, is to stick together, be there for one another, and do what we can to help each other. At the end of my life, I know that nothing will ever be as important as my family is to me. No amount of money, or things, or education, or social status, can even come close to comparing! :)

LOOKING IN

2010-09-20T17:02:00.005-05:00

This blog. It's kind of like a song. The folks that have these heavy things on their souls - they write it down, then sing it out loud. I'm not that talented, so instead of singing - I write. It's therapy, it lightens my load, it makes me feel less alone, and I like that. If you read here, you should know that. Maybe you don't agree with the way I live my life, or raise my children, or deal with my disorders. Maybe you are just curious about people like me and that curiosity is what brings you here. Maybe you know what my shoes are like to walk in. Regardless, it's ok to ask me questions. I'll answer as honestly as I can. Don't be shocked by the answers, and above all, you should know that just because you may live your life differently than I do - it doesn't make you better than me. Please don't be condescending here. If you have lived a life of privilege and education and opportunity and health - there is no way you could ever begin to know what life has been like or is like for me. I do not seek your pity either. This is just my life, the way it is. Sometimes it's good, sometimes not so good, sometimes it's hard to wake up in the morning, and other times it's as perfect as I could ever hope.
If you read this little piece of virtual journal paper - you might find a bad day. You might find a small triumph, a good recipe, or a family photo. You might find a similarity, a new medication, or a good place to buy wrinkle creams. You might find a different person to connect with, or a new blog to read, or maybe a new work of art that my goofy brain has come up with. You might find a completely insane conversation that makes no sense to anyone but me, or a poem, that just might hit you in your guts.
I guess I know that I have opened myself up for off comments, criticism, and the like, but even still - you shouldn't judge. You never know what's to come in your own life - and someday you might find yourself in a similar position.
So Doctor Utah - what is it that brings you back here all the time? To be able to sit in judgement? To study? Learn? I'd love to know. As I said before - ask anything - I'll answer....

I'M SAVING IT FOR LATER....

2010-09-19T21:47:00.003-05:00

So my brain is working overtime at the moment, and I have so much I want to say out loud, but can't. Not today. I need to gather my thoughts into a coherent string of sentences, which at this point of exhaustion is just not possible. I just came home from the fair a while ago, after walking and standing in line, walking some more, and lugging all of my entries and ribbons and stuff home - I am pooped. And of course for the icing on the cake and stuffed in the middle - we had to stop and get one last bushel of greasy, but oh so yummy carnival food. Definitely NOT how to lose belly fat fast! With that said, I am feeling like I might be part of some weird science experiment, and can't quite tell if I am just being overly sensitive, paranoid, or just dumb, so I am going to shut up and go to bed.....

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

2010-09-18T06:59:00.004-05:00

As most people know, I am a type 2 diabetic. It's been pretty hard to find healthy foods that TASTE really good, especially when I want something like cake or cookies or muffins in the morning. A while back I did some research on the benefits of flaxseed for my special dietary needs, and I do have to say that there are many. I can have one of these muffins for breakfast with a glass of skim milk and a yogurt, and I get absolutely NO spike in my blood sugars for the morning. They stay right where they are supposed to be, and by lunch time, if I don't eat again on time, I actually end up being a bit on the low side. Of course I still take my medications, but if I were to indulge in a regular blueberry muffin instead, I would get a spiked blood sugar and it would still be too high at lunch time. It's all about balance I guess, and these actually curb the cravings for cake, so I thought I would share the recipe! Happy Baking!

FLAX SEED MUFFINS

1 & 1/2 CUPS WHOLE WHEAT FLOUR
1 & 1/2 CUPS GROUND FLAX SEED
3/4 CUP BROWN SUGAR
1 TBLSP BAKING POWDER
2 TSP APPLE OR PUMPKIN PIE SPICE
1 CUP MILK
1 CUP UNSWEETENED APPLESAUCE
2 BANANAS, MASHED
1 EGG - BEATEN
1 TSP PURE VANILLA EXTRACT

MIX WELL 1ST 5 DRY INGREDIENTS. IN SEPARATE BOWL, BEAT EGG. ADD MILK, APPLESAUCE, BANANA AND VANILLA - MIX WELL. ADD THE WET INGREDIENTS TO THE DRY AND MIX UNTIL MOISTENED. LINE MUFFIN TIN WITH PAPER LINERS. ADD 2 ROUNDED TABLESPOONS OF MIXTURE TO EACH. (TRY TOPPING UNCOOKED MUFFINS WITH QUICK OATS OR OTHER FAVORITE IF DESIRED) BAKE AT 350 FOR 20 - 25 MINUTES, OR UNTIL BROWNED ON TOP AND SIDES. SERVE WITH REAL BUTTER WHILE WARM, OR SAVE IN REFRIGERATOR FOR UP TO 2 DAYS, OR FREEZE!

AMAZING TECHNOLOGY

2010-09-14T06:30:00.002-05:00

Sometimes, the technology filled world that we live in now just amazes me. Now I don't own a cell phone, have no clue how to text, but I don't know what I would do these days without my computer and internet. That said, I don't know how we would have gotten along without my daughters' cell phone on our trip to the fair. It made it easy to find her when we got seperated, as we borrowed her phone, and she had her boyfriends phone. Lost? Not for long!
Now I am sure that everyone has heard of these "Apps" created for the phones, and some of them are just really cool, but now I see that Samsung has come out with "Apps" for your TELEVISION!!! It's all kind of cool and freaky and leaves me to wonder what in the world they will come up with next. Although - I still wish we could have a "Smell-O-Vision" TV. Now THAT would be extra awesome!!

I MISS MY GIRL

2010-09-02T07:59:00.001-05:00

Oh my little Halie. I miss her so much. It's busy here, but quiet all at the same time. I wonder about her every day. I don't get to see her every day, or even talk to her on the phone. I worry about every car wreck I hear on the scanner. I cringe every time I see an ambulance headed towards her work. I wonder if she is really happy, or just pretending to be. I wish she hadn't dropped out of college. I got a letter in the mail yesterday saying because she did, she has been dropped from our health insurance. Now if she gets sick, she has nothing. What if she does end up pregnant. I'm just waiting for the day I get to hand out the cigars, but in the back of my mind, all I can think about is "she has NO insurance"...... Things will be so tough for her. Sometimes when I do get to talk to her, I find it hard to find anything to say. I don't want to be a buttinski all the time, but I am her mother for pete's sake. What is one supposed to do? I can't tell her how to live her life anymore, but I am worried about the choices she is making. It's all about the choices. Every one of them she makes now, will affect the rest of her life. Lord help me.....

MISSIN HIM TODAY

2010-08-31T07:35:00.003-05:00

Actually, it happens a lot that I miss him. I want to call him up and tell him about the kids and life and ask him questions. But I can't.... This was our very last fishing trip together. I miss those too. It's funny how something as simple as going to buy a can of worms can make you miss a loved one. Or a butterfly. Or a fake mustache. Or a pair of shorts. *Sigh*
I wanted to complain to him about life, and get his answers. What to do about this and that. Simple things. I have videos I watch over and over again, just to hear his voice, his laugh....

So my life. I think I have had my fill of customer service jobs. At least the one I am in now. People - are annoying. I just don't get how a person pays in cash for liquor, then has the balls to wave their foodstamp card around in the air like it's golden......

IT'S GOING TO BE GREAT!!

2010-08-23T10:13:00.005-05:00

"Peekaboo!"
(That's my kitteh. Looking for a birdeh.)

It's Monday again, and the start of the first full week of school for the kids! Yeah! I also get to start working more hours at my job, which means I basically go back to my old schedule! This means more money, which also means I can breathe a little more! Ahhhhh.....
Now that Halie has moved out, it's so quiet here. The little kids are learning to do more things for themselves, and learning how to be more responsible. They are really digging having their own rooms, and it is coming in very handy for when the boy is practicing on his bell kit! We still have a few things left to tie up for Halie - like all of her insurances. I'm not sure what will happen with the health insurance since she's not at home, and she's skipping the semester at school. We should hear something about that in the next day or so. I hope for her sake that she can stay on it - otherwise she's really on her own! For her car, we need to get a new insurance quote, as she could only stay on mine while she was still at home AND in school. We knew that would happen, so it's all good. Part of being a grown up! I think she has also acquired most everything she needed for her place, minus the toaster. I will probably pick one up for her on payday, as they are only like $7, so then she should be all set. Her place looks so cute, and I am just so proud of her! Now I am just waiting on the very big announcement: "You are going to be a GRAMMA!" I know it's coming, I just don't know how soon! LOL! It's going to be so much fun having a baby in the house again! Though it has been a bit of a struggle embracing all of these huge life changes, I am doing it, one day at a time, and actually looking forward to what the future has to offer. So many exciting things to come! It's a good day, and I hope everyone else has a good one too!

BOYCOTT KWIK SHOP!

2010-08-12T19:57:00.003-05:00

I have decided to avoid all Kwik Shops. No more cheap gas, no more no more. They treat their employees like slaves, and I think it is abhorrent. They seriously expect an employee to work a NINE hour shift without a break. No lunch, no sitting down for five minutes to rest - nothing. Just work all day straight and shut up. Apparently they don't "have to" give breaks or lunch to employees because Kansas is a "right to work" state. I find it absurd. I have never in my life had a job that didn't at least give you a break every four hours, and at least a bit of time to eat something if you had to work eight hours. AND THEN - the lady my daughter works under, happens to think she must be god or something. She changes the schedule every day - so my kid can't even plan her own life. She gets called in on every day off she has, and was informed the other day that she was going to be moved to full time. Ok - but she only wanted part time. How stupid. She told the manager when she interviewed that she was a full time student, and would be attending classes when school started. Helloooo? Anyone in there? It's taking everything I have NOT to run down there and tell that stupid woman where to shove her three-for-a-dollar candy bars......

OMG REALLY??? JUST REALLY???

2010-08-09T16:57:00.002-05:00

First of all - it's Monday - so I am having an obvious one ok?!

I found out today that NO ONE makes shoes big or wide enough to fit my 10 year old Sasquatch of a son. Seriously, if he really does ever grow into those feet - OMG...... Yes of course there are bigger ones, but he's still just a boy. The man ones are still TOO big, and the boy ones are all too small. Come on NIKE - step up to the plate already and make some decent big foot shoes!

My 8 year old girl child. I think she will end up going to school and everywhere else naked for the rest of her life. NOTHING fits right, everything is either "like waaay ugly" or "Omg Mom this is just WRONG" or "Um - NO" - someone please shoot me. She is too fat in the belly and too short in the legs to find pants. HELLO already!!! Haven't the clothing companies realized by NOW that there is no MOLD for the human being??? Can we get a little variety here without having to pay eight thousand dollars for one pair of jeans???

The 19 year old - is moving out. Finally. Oh God. She's leaving the nest and I don't know what to do but oh my lord hallelujah!! She and her boyfriend are signing lease papers tonight and moving into it this week. (I assume.) Oh sweet justice is about to come around the corner and smack her so hard she might fall over. She thinks she is ENTITLED to RECEIVE gifts and all the wonderful things for her apartment like brand new modern dining tables and chairs and sofas and beds and washers and dryers and on and on and blahhhhhhh. HAAHAA! She was 2 years old before I got my first washer and dryer. I have yet to get a new dining table, and I have still never had brand new furniture. Of course we all know what will really be the case, considering he works at a minimally paying job, and she only works part time. They will be lucky to eat once a day, and they will be begging to do their laundry at my house. Shoot me.

And of course last but not least - my truck is broken. Shit.

OPPRESSIVE, WITH A TWIST

2010-08-05T08:58:00.005-05:00

I don't know if any of my fellow Kansans have noticed, but it's been really hot here. We saw in the paper where the guys baked cookies in a car, so we decided to try it ourselves yesterday. Here you see the raw and ready to go cookie dough. (Packaged sugar cookie with no raw eggs....)

We put the sheet of cookies in the car at about 1:00....

This is what they looked like by around 3:00..... They rose up and started cooking.

By 5:00 - they were almost done. Yeah DONE. They were crispy around the edges, and you can see how they started to "cake" up. I wouldn't say they were completely finished, still a little doughy, but holy cow!! If we had done this the day before, I bet we could have eaten them straight out of the car!!

I don't know if it will heat back up here, or if the temps are supposed to stay lower, but the next super heated day we get, we are going to try to bake a loaf of bread in the little metal building out back. It is so hot in there it's ungodly. Needless to say, the kids have not been using it as the playhouse lately - more like avoiding it completely until the weather cools down. It's even been too hot to go swimming. They have been waiting until almost 6:00 at night before even attempting getting into the pool! So yes. Oppressive.

YOU KNOW WHAT???

2010-08-04T18:51:00.001-05:00

I hate the top of this blog.

I hate bills.

I hate that it's so hot outside that I baked a dozen cookies IN the CAR today. (Although - who knew?)

I hate cigarrettes and that I never learned to spell that word.

I hate that all the sand hill plums I picked spoiled before I could make jelly out of them.

I guess I just have some weird discontentment going on. Everything sucks today.

DEAR YOU KNOW WHO

2010-07-26T07:58:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I just don't understand you. You think you don't have to have a job, or work for what you want, or do anything really. You expect everyone else to take care of you and all of your emergencies, yet you do nothing to even try to help anyone else. I am angry that you asked her to pay for your "strandedness" like she owed it to you. AND that you demanded she pay for your car to come out of the shop, and god knows all the other things you have demanded over the years. You had a house and all it's contents handed to you for free, and you completely destroyed it. You have no clue what it is like to work hard, to work for everything you have, and yet you sit up in someone elses' house rent free, watching your big ol LCD HDTV, playing video games on your WII and Playstation, eating steaks and the best of everything, doing your drugs and mooching off everyone else. It actually makes me sick. Your kids don't have ADHD by the way - they have no discipline. They act like asses because you have taught them to. There have been so many times I have kept my mouth shut when all I wanted to do was scream at you, for the sake of keeping our family together - but you really have taken the cake this time. Get a damn job and take care of your family. Seriously.

TODAY........

2010-07-22T12:47:00.003-05:00

........is my last day of smoking. I quit. I am so done. I am tired of a little stick of yuck tying my life up and down so completely that I can't get what I want to do done! I have 10 cigarettes left. In the morning, I am going to crawl out of my bed and NOT smoke a cigarette. I am going to have my coffee without one, I am going to go to work without one. I am going to do this. I am ready as I will ever be. Thanks in part to Dr. Oz - who gave his schpeel about smoking and diabetes, and who generally scared the crap out of me. Thanks in part to the spirometer that indicated my lungs have the capacity of an 80 year old emphysema patient. For more than 20 years I have let this rule my life. My friends have had to suffer, my kids, basically everyone around me. I suppose the money issue helps too. I could save over $300 bucks a month by NOT smoking. I could be free. I can feel better, sneeze less, and stop smelling like - well there is no good way to describe the stench. I AM GOING TO DO THIS.

Warning: Probably some seriously INSANE blogging to follow.... Carry on.

LIKE CLOCKWORK

2010-07-15T17:57:00.004-05:00

For the past few years, my dill and parsley have been taken over by monarch and swallowtail butterflies, respectively. I came outside the other morning to discover this newborn swallowtail, drying himself on the top of the parsley. So beautiful. Of course I don't get any use out of the herbs, as the caterpillars eat them all up, but I can't bring myself to change that. I find contentment in providing them food, as I get to see how glorious they look after their transformation. It just reminds me of the wonderful cycle of life, sad as it is sometimes, and now especially, I can't look at a butterfly without being reminded of Daddy....

JUST NINE

2010-07-13T07:21:00.002-05:00

It's Tuesday the 13th. It's 7:30 am.

Nine months.

Still hurts.

BLEH....

2010-07-11T16:26:00.003-05:00

Do you ever have one of those days where you just can't motivate yourself to do ANYTHING at all? Today has been like that for me. I haven't done a thing except make some tea. No shower, no house cleaning, no working in the garden, just nothing. I would love to take a nap, but my body just won't let me. Probably the fat burners doing their thing. I didn't think caffeine was that big of a deal, and so far - I don't have any super power energy, I just can't sleep. Yay what a bang!

I did manage a few nice fireworks shots last night. Our town had to postpone them because of all the rains we had on the 4th, so we had ours late. It was fun, but a bit lackluster. Guess I should work on some of them, and try to get some up on the photo blog after a bit....

Speaking of blogs, I have been trying to work on this one a bit, but so far something just isn't looking quite right for me. I like to change things up once in a while, but I can't seem to pull this one together. Whaddaya think???

DOUBLE RAINBOW

2010-07-09T06:45:00.002-05:00

I snapped this photo the other night while it was still raining and the sun was just about to go down. You can see right above the big one where another one was trying to get going too. So pretty!

Talked to my doctor about the apidexin - he said no way I could take it with all the other meds, so I am back to square one. I keep thinking that if it is a hormone that is responsible for weight loss or gain, shouldn't they be able to come up with something that really really works and is safe for people to use? I hate the cycle that diabetes seems to create in my life really. Lately I get such low blood sugars - like between 60 and 46 - that I HAVE to eat to bring it back up so I don't just DIE on the spot. Usually I have to use a rescue glucose - which tastes like crap and has 1 point worth of calories (75) - then I have to eat a "snack." That will consist of nuts or crackers or milk and peanut butter, all high fat and calories. It's just mean!

HAPPY 4TH YA'LL!!!

2010-07-03T06:07:00.003-05:00

What will you be doing to celebrate the 4th??

Of course anyone who knows me even a little, knows I will be blowing up the back yard!! When shopping for my explosives this year, I found firecrackers that look like they have had a dose or five of enzyte!! They are a foot tall, and look like dynamite sticks! This makes me very very happy to say the least! LOL!! Another set of very LARGE new crackers this year are the 3 foot tall roman candles, and fountains - they look to be quite awesome, but I saved them for tonight's big picnic. My future son-in-law went out last night and got some HUGENORMOUS 500 gram cakes to shoot off too - those are always super cool. I can't wait!!! I have to work till noon, come home and slap the ribs in the oven, and get to cooking. Hopefully the kids will pitch in while I am at work and get some cleaning done. On Sunday, the plans are to head over to the State Fair Grounds and watch the town fireworks, also for me to photograph them for the paper. Should be fun all the way around! I would have loved to go to the lake this year, but there are just way too many people doing the same thing for my taste - I hate trouble, and usually when you get that many people together - that is what you find. I hope everyone has a safe and happy 4th!!